life, or something like it

My heart is saying no, I can't handle another cut,
My mind and body are screaming yes...
The inner turmoil is ruining me, I want to stay, yet I want to run
Deep down, I know I should run, as fast as I can, out of here,
Everything I don't need is staring right at me,
Yet, it's everything I have ever wanted,
It's healing and wounding all wrapped up in one

Should I choose to stay, I will surrender everything I have worked so hard to achieve,
But in return I will gain everything I have ever desired,..a counterfeit version of it
A part of me wants to give up, give in, be sucked into this dangerous world again, a world where I can just be me, where I don't have to worry about my past, or my present or even my future
Where everyday is an adrenalin ride..and nothing matters
because in his world, nothing is real
maybe that's what i need, a world where I KNOW nothing is real as opposed to one where i am constantly trying to prove how REAL everything is
and constantly being proven wrong by those around me

Yet another part of me, is saying, you're almost at the end, keep going, you can't come back here
You're too independent, too strong, you've come too far, you've fought to hard, to just give up and go back there,
This isn't the future God had planned for you
But isn't it?
Why am I so tempted by it?
My insides are in turmoil
What if? That what if question plagues me again and suddenly, i am 15 again
I am faced with the same decision i was then, then I chose to stay and it almost ruined me
But it's safe and familiar and almost like home
This here, holds so much more power than the past, there's more to lose,
but so much more to gain...
This time, Will I stay or will I go..
i get up and walk to the door, God, please help me - I whisper -  I don't have the strength to resist
The blood rushes through my body, I want to slap myself, why am i even contemplating this....this dungeon of hell
suddenly I feel like a hypocrite, Everything i have ever sworn I'd never do again...I am contemplating doing just that.....
I hold out my hand, i see the key, I close my hand and hold it close to my chest,
my destiny.....

It's well past 8pm and I am looking for a bottle shop. Dressed in floral Peter Alexander Pyjmaa bottoms, a blue jumper which still has the tag attached to it, I cannot be bothered tearing it off right now, and yesterday's make up. I am tired. I am sure I haven't eaten in a few days. Well, that's a blatant lie. I have eaten. I have had mouthfulls of food from the fridge throughout the last few days, that's been whenever I've stopped crying long enough and my mouth has been free enough to chew something down.

Where am i? How did i get here? I had plans this year. Plans of going to New York. Plans of working for a production house in the united states.....and alternative plans to go to university part time in Sydney where i had an apartment overlooking the city skyline in leafy Woollahra. I have a good job, well somedays i love it and am so grateful for it, other days I want to run away and work in a library where I don't get to hear or speak to anyone, because I am an introvert. Well...again, some days i am, some days I am not.  I also had a very full on social life and spent most nights in bars, at lavish parties and never was there a night that I wasn't doing something. And, now here I am .... at 8pm....looking for a bottleshop in the deserted empty streets of a small little country town.

again, how did i end up here?

Never in a million years did I ever think I would myself back in this town. Here. The place I once called home. I am twenty something....ok, maybe I just left my twenties a year ago, but still....thirty is just a scary number. And, I prefer to say twenty.and maybe even stay in my twenties. And, I am single. And, living back at home. With my dad. Who has cancer.
There. I said. It. that horrible six letter word that i wish didnt exit. Maybe if i don't say it, it will mean it's not true and he doesn't have it and it's all just a made up world and this all just a nightmare. And, I can leave and go back to my lavish life, knowing when I come back here on the weekends, he will still be here, happy and healthy.

Why am I writing about all of this? I like to write. I also like to process things through the written word, and because this is going to be quite a journey and maybe reality is sometimes stranger and more interesting than fiction. I am writing to keep track of my life as it unfolds over the next few months, years.....hopefully years, i would like a few more years with my father. Considering i have only had a good relationship with him for the last five years. (another post, another time)

Follow me on this journey. As I delve into the past. Press towards the future, be pushed, pulled and confronted with things i never even knew existed. Welcome to my life.
I may even find things about myself I never knew existed. I may even grow to like this little town  -  although I doubt that very much. Maybe I will learn things about myself on this journey and maybe i can help someone else along the way, because what is life is we don't serve a purpose of helping others.

I was walking along the streets the other day, after rmy manager pulled me into a meeting to ask 'why I have had so many absences of late?" I am not sure what part of the only man in my world is ill and i am trying to adjust to living with other people as well as commenting two hours to work everyday along side dealing with this sickness...and yet, you ask why I have been late? I can't deal with this. I stormed out. What was going on? My head was spinning and I couldn't speak. All I could do was sob uncontrollably. I suddenly felt like the entire office had turned against me. The one friend i had there, suddenly wanted nothing to do with me, my boss who had three months ago sung praises about how good i was at my job was now questioning why I had so many 'explained' absences all whilst the rest of my team conspired behind my back and towards my downfall.

tears streaming down my face, i walked and walked and walked. I couldn't go back in there, not just yet. I need to gain some clarity. I just wanted to board a plane and runaway from this. All of this. Everything. I wanted to not be adjusting to a new life in the countryside, I wanted my old life back. I wanted my dad to no longer be sick. Just last week I had been flying through life, enjoying lattes, books and nights out but yet I wasn't content and needed something to change. I guess I got my change alright.

I noticed ahomeless person talking to nonone in particular and it was then that it hit me. I needed to get my head right. My shit together. I risked losing the little that i had left of my life if I didn't sort myself out asap. As I walked along the path, I imagined that these people who are strung out on drugs and homeless, some were born into this world homeless, others ...they weren't. At one time or another perhaps they too had plans and hopes of a future. Perhaps they too wanted to make something of their lives. But then life got a hold of them, as they stood there trying to walk towards their goals, the enemy came in and targeted them with arrow after arrow after arrow until they knocked them flat on their skull and they cracked something, they cracked it so hard, they never got back up again. That is what i risked happening to me if i didn't desensitise myself and just get on with this season. I needed to become numb to get through these next few months of uncertainty and try and make the very best of this situation I was now being faced with. In whichever which way i knew how.

The Darkest Fairytale

I don't know if I could ever love anyone
but I like you enough, that I would like to try
I'm not safe, Im unpredictable and irrational
And often turbulent'
I am a risk - not a safe bet - A gamble
I am terrified of my own hearts of it constant need for whatever it wants
I tend to run from whatever it is that makes me feeling like I'm risking it all,
but I am prepared to try and stay

I could be

You better hurry up because
I'm about to fall in love
with someone else
Love can't be orchestrated - I know that all too well
God, I wish it could
I would pick the perfect human
But it can't
You have my heart wholely
You're occupying you're own space
Rent free
But if you don't act soon
This new one
He's got more potential
Than. ....Anyone I've known - ....
since you
And he's getting a free shot at my heart tomorrow
If you don't act fast
And that arrow hits the target
It's his
I'll
Fall and we both know when I fall
It's hard to get up
So here's your chance
You had me first
Sweep me up and say I'm forever yours
Or this may be your last chance
Unknown I haven't been clear about it all
But I'm
Yours
Take me
Now or
Give me
Up
I can't live in between

Love is not enough

Whoever said' love is all you ever need - love alone is enough' I think They lied. Love alone is never enough.  

It wasn't enough to restore the betrayal - he betrayed me and no amount of love can erase the betrayal. Call it what you may, but love wasn't enough to stop betrayal and love for me wasn't enough to stay. - Self respect was worth more than the love I had for him. The love alone simply wasn't enough.  

Going on like this, constantly questioning why his morals didn't line up with mine, why I wasn't enough he had to look elsewhere. Even if he said it had stopped, and I loved him so much..... I didn't feel safe. And there's enough uncertainty in this world - your partner shouldn't be that also.live wasn't enough. Love was all we had left when everything else fell apart. But it wasn't enough. 

And then there was him, His love for his inheritance was greater than his love for me- those things made him who he was... Love added joy but it didn't change the reality he 'enjoyed' expensive toys and lots of them. Why would I (me, who finds the greatest joy walking around barefoot and wearing flowers in my hair, who prefers bicycles to porsches, bare feet to louboutins, a warehouse to a glass mansion) why would i fall for someone who treasured these things?  

Believe me I've asked myself this question since the second I realized I loved him, more than loved him, was head over bare feet in love with him, and was even prepared to 'think' about sacrificing everything i had for this love- I asked myself why? I don't know, all I know was I loved him,  And i believe he loved me but it also wasn't enough. Not for him to trade in all his toys.  And not for i. I couldn't sacrifice my core beliefs and values - not even in the name of love. Even if he had sacrificed all his expensive toys - It wasn't a fair trade. Again LOVE alone - wasn't enough.  

She loved him more than life itself, she said her vows and he said his,I'll support and encourage you till I die, but when times got tough he crumbled under the pressure and she got no support, love or encouragement - she too crumbled. But they were in love, they still are, but it's not enough to keep them together because life isn't just sitting in bed reading books and singing sweet lullabies to one another - there's children and families and hobbies and friends and jobs to factor in... And once you add all this to love, it makes it messy and complicated and stressful and the love you initially had fades into the background as you disagree on schools, friends, and values and beliefs.. Love alone never is never enough. The dizziness eventually fades, the butterflies, they disappear and love, if it's not rooted on core values that align, common interests and the ability to accept someone as they are -not part of them, BUT all of them and not hope to change them, that too eventually fades out and you're left knowing and wondering why love itself wasn't enough! Even bitter and cold and angry at love when all along it wasn't him or you or the lack of love, it simply was that it wasn't enough alone....that four letter word, LOVE, it just wasn't enough.

Lights flickering

I thought better than staying home tonight and feeling sorry for myself and my little heart. So instead I decided to take a chance on life and go to a deep house music party with a lovely kid called Max.

He was a boy I had just met at a birthday hours earlier. A boy who had bought two tickets for this gig, in the hope that he may find someone o go with him when the time and day came.

Max is a beautiful boy. Sparkling blue eyes and long healthy hair like Mick Jagger had in the 60's. He wore hyper coloured bright pants, and awkwardly told me, I was gorgeous. Several times. Despite me being bloated feeling really gross in my current low state of mind.

He is sweet and incredibly intelligent, he owns an old school nokia phone with the snake game on it....One of those flip phones, no social media, no selfless, no scrolling to distract you from the moment in front of you. He is genuine, and also recommended several books I should read, all written by incredible authors in the 60's.

We danced, we talked, we sipped on vodka lime and sodas. Several times throughout the night, I thought about how wonderful he was but how he was not you, and you and I, we have this ridiculously amazing connection, it's rather special and not much can compare to that. But by the end of the night, I had kind of grew to like max. And, how genuine he was. he had nowhere to go, no one else to see, just happy to be here with me, present in the moment. Girls kept trying to hit on him, because he's a total babe, but he'd innocently look over and point to me as to say  -  My attention is taken tonight.

When I was tired, he reached out his hand, and walked me to the car stand. He paid the driver to take me home, we smiled and exchanged a hug along with our numbers. I waved goodbye as I drove off for home.....I thought I think i'll see him again, he's rather lovely.

He's still not you, but I guess that will take time....

words

The last few months have been very challenging….I have abandoned my words…my mind and the outside world…it is time I start writing again….bear with me dear ones…I shall return.

Ghost of the past

I saw your ghost again last night. It was standing there, shining like a bright light in the dark sea of people in a dimly lit room, there you were. Smiling, talking,laughing like it was 1965 again. 

This time though, it was different from the last, i didn't want to runaway as fast as my fragile and worn little feet could take me. This time, I wanted to stay. To reach out to you, hold your hand, and transport myself to a time when I was able to be in the same room as you. unashamed. unafraid. 

I wanted to transport myself to an era when you existed, when my life was.... Simple. Maybe it was the familiar face of yours amidst a room full of strangers, the loud music, the smoke, it was all too much, maybe I was seeking comfort. Seeking someone that understood me, someone that I didn't have to make small talk with about my job, my love life, the weather, the industry, who I knew. I just wanted to talk about ......About ..... Life. But, the words - I'm a model, 
An ack-tor, I'm an act-ress were penetrating the smoke filled air and cutting through the music. Everyone stressing their self importance, who they were, who they knew. I just wanted to escape. To runaway to a time when none of that mattered. When people were just.... People. Young and free....and your face represented a time of freedom. A time when nothing mattered but love and music. Everyone was equal. Love was real. I stared at your ghost for a long time last night. But the more I looked, the more I realized, life has changed, the years have gone, it won't ever be that time again. It is now a time long gone and holding into the past - hoping to conform the future to it..... It won't happen. It's gone. I need to open my heart and let it go. I need to move on. 

Inspired by Y.o.U

It's sad that some people will never ever get to experience the true privilege of having their heart broken. They'll never know what it feels like to be truly alive in unity with another. 

 Heres why, they took the safe road. They settled for someone they knew could never break their heart.... Someone who was incapable of such things because they could never own their heart to start with. 

They knew no matter how hard they tried, or how much money was thrown their way - love can't be bought or forged - it's real and like living and dying it doesn't let you chose who and where and especially when. but if you go against the gravity of life and allow yourself to choose - instead of letting the magical unseen force that makes unchartered worlds collide and hearts tremble choose for you - it means you chose safety. You chose comfortable. And comfortable however safe is boring.  

 I want to live in a world where you hold my heart in your hands. My life depends on it - and if you dropped it, I'd never be the same again. That's passion. That's fire. That's all encompassing, fiery, raging, risky love. Because really, nothing is certain in this world, not even life, it can be taken in an instance and that's the beauty of living.... It's like Russian roulette. Ever changing, uncertain, one moment you're winning the next you're taking your last breath and exiting. Why chose to die before your wheel has stopped spinning?

Live as much as you can - while you can - feeling like everything is always at risk and everything including your heart can be shattered in an instant.  

If its loss doesn't break you, break it and walk away into the terrifying unchartered rough waters. And let your heart beat wildly in the dangers of the unfamiliar.  

 Are you brave enough? 

 Ps. I'd let you break my heart all over again...... 

 A broken heart still feels

Survival by Disassociation

"Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxietyand stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is "not entirely present", making them sometimes appear preoccupied or distracted. "

As I am thrown into the tsunami of my life, i have lost my will to write. I have lost my will process emotions for i have subconsciously blocked every emotion in my body and mind in order to survive this season and come out alive. I wonder why I do that? Shut down entirely. I am my own zoloft. I put a lid on happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and anything in between. I just want to be able to feel again, but strength is winning, and in that i am finding it difficult to write about anything Not humorous, not painful not even joyful. Out of everything I am missing about myself, i miss my relationship with words the most.