A Silent Language

As I arrived at the train station this morning I noticed an adorable couple engaging in some mild PDA. I instantly took two steps back in some astonishment as the male and female looked like a couple i once knew but would rather forget. I was rather startled. I took a few deep breaths and drifted off watching this couple thinking, oh how adorable, one day.........

As I continued to stare, I felt a presence near me, I turned around to see it was a girl about my age, she too was watching this couple engaging in a romantic display of love and affection for one another. Completely oblivious to the other communters and the world around them, completely oblivious to our stares. Captivated by each other, in their own land, their own universe, their own moment. Even though they were on a train platform with many other people, they were alone - just the two of them.

As I looked over at her, she caught my stare, and turned around to face me. As she did, I noticed her eyes were filled with pain and teary, her face filled with an emotion I could read all too well. I think she could see the same in me. In that moment we both exchanged a faint smile and with our pain filled eyes silently said.

I understand - You're not alone - I feel your pain.

I don't know whether she has been single forever, mourns the loss of a lover or has just had her heart trampled and seeing that couple reminded her of another time and another place, a kiss she had once shared on the platform of a train station, a world today so foreign. Whether it brought back memories of what once was and now no longer is. Whether it made her miss that person she had once kissed and embraced intimately or whether she had spent her whole life like Cinderella waiting someone to share this journey with....someone to love. Seeing this couple made her teary. But whatever her reason, in that moment she knew she wasn't alone with these feelings and somehow there was a mutual understanding between us. An unspoken language. A comfort. Not even a word was spoken but we both knew that we could relate and we weren't alone in this big world struggling with the very thing we were created for ....LOVE.

In a fraction of a second we both understood everything and everything was clear and unwritten, somehow for the both of us there was comfort in the knowledge that someone else knew how you felt.
A silent language - sometimes we don't need to speak. We don't need to tell someone it will get better - becasue we don't know that it will. We don't need to tell them to get over it and move on. Chin up love, it's all ok. Becuase its not fucking ok and it's ok not to be ok.

Sometimes life plain and simply sux. Isn't there a scripture in the bible about job's friends, shouldn't have they just sat there with him and remained silent. We can all learn from this. SILENCE. UNDERSTANDING.
Sometimes we just need to relate to the human species and tell them they are not alone. To say you know what - we understand. I feel it too. You are not alone in this big world. That in itslef can bring a greater comfort than any word ever could.

In future, let's just be silent, hold that person in your arms and try to understand them for a moment. Try very hard to think about the road they have travelled on and just try to empathise with them. We can never know what it's like to walk in someone elses shoes or live in their bound mind, but the least we can do is try.
And the worst we can do is try and brush it off, and tell them to get up and get out. People aren't looking for advice, or words. They are looking for love and acceptance and understanding. Let's try be that for someone shall we.

There will come a time when healing will come and they will be ok. But until then...can we just try and understand and be still.

Understanding THE silent language.
One we should all learn.

I sat at my local cafe this morning, pushing the food around on my plate, unable to eat. Unable to move. Unable to think beyond the cloud of darkness that had descended upon my world - yet again.

I had been doing this for the past thirty minutes, when the man next to me must have noticed this girl sitting in the big green jumper, stained make up and leggings, struggling with her meal.

 It was like he instantly knew something was not right. We were sharing a table and he could probably feel the sighs each time I went to try and eat and would put the spoon down instead - defeated.

'How is your day?' he said 

'Not good' I replied. 

'Ahh it's expected, it's been raining' he said

'True', I said, 'although it's been raining for a while in my world'

I don't know why i felt like sharing that with a complete stranger who was just trying to have his breakfast and make light conversation. But I figured he could see there was nothing light about me this morning. So he probably knew the answer he was going to get even before he asked the question.

'I am going home to try some baking - I have never baked before' he said.

'Oh nice' I replied. 

'Do you cook' he asked?

'I try' I said, when I can be bothered, which isn't always. 

'This juice tastes awful' he said 'I think I will go home and try that cooking'

Well try and have a nice day he said and left.

There was something precious about that moment. Maybe it was the fact that a random  stranger who does not know me could see the pain and strain behind my tear stained eyes and he thought, what can i say to take this girl out of her mind, even just for a second. He spoke about cooking, but somehow it was enough to break me out of my state of self loathe and think about something else for a minute. Cooking.....

We never realise the impact our words have on other people. I wish that I had the courage to speak to a stranger like this man did to me. He didn't ask why I wasn't able to eat my meal, nor did he ask why it had been raining for so long in my world, he simply spoke about cooking and somehow that seemed to be enough.

He cheered me up and suddenly i felt connected to this world again, I didn't feel alone, in a cafe with couples and families everywhere, wondering why I had chosen to sit here alone, 

even if just for a moment, someone had connected with me. And for the rest of my meal, I sat there with a smile on my face, treasuring that very moment, I had a connection with a complete stranger.

I CANT TAKE BACK THE WORDS I NEVER SAID

I should have said YES - I should have but i didn't think it would make a difference so i said no. Now I sit here and I realise how much more life would be if i had taken that chance. Said yes all those times i said no, spoke when i wanted to be silent, Stayed when I wanted to leave, went when I wanted to stay, nothing can bring back that moment, that hour, that day, and maybe IF I had said YES at the least I would have come home with a memory and experience, instead I said no to every opportunity that came my way.....and the thought of the lost opportunities, haunts me more then messing them up and doing just what my heart wanted.....

There is something to learn from every experience and we will not grow if we sit at home and watch the world go by because we are too afraid of the outcome. DO IT. DO IT afraid, if it all goes to shit, well at least you know you gave it your all and you tried. Another note in your book of experiences, another page in your journal another tick on the to-do list.

You can never take that moment back so just do it.

Photo:  SuzanneLouise 

THe Tailor - Continued Part two - The Date

I have a date with the tailor tomorrow. So awkward but true. Rosie set it up. i am just to turn up to the coffee shop - with Rosie of course, I wouldn't go this shit alone. Dear God, give me confidence and strength. So nervous right now. A coffee with a male. Yep I can do this. Yep, he's actually quite cute and Rosie said thinner than me and her - that's not a good thing but in truth he may be my new thinspiration since Nicole Richie is no longer anorexic.
1030 - he said he is going to wear his good shirt - he has a good shirt??? I am confused. everything he wears looks like its been basking under a steamer for over a month its so fresh and crisp.

And he asked how I like my coffee - I like this guy already.

I wonder why  he asked that question, is he planning on pre-ordering my coffee? or is he trying to figure me out by the coffee i drink.
If he is trying to figure me out, Forget it buddy. if figuring me out came down to a coffee, i would have saved thousands on therapists.

FYI - The date didn't occur. I went to the coffee stop and had one of my anxious outbursts - yes I am not normal. And then the tailor was like a terrified cat, he became really flustered and excuse himself within a minute. Yep another opportunity I missed by being an absolute freak. I am precious indeed.

The Tailor - Continued

So today i walked past fictional boyfriend number two - The Tailor. He is well aware of my crush and this is starting to sound more like reality than a fiction I chose to create in my mind. He gave me a cheeky smile. I attempted to smile, text and walk at the same time, instead breaking out in a laughter, a - because I tripped and B- because i couldn't hold a straight face. I don't do men, I don't know how to flirt, So I just laughed at myself - Like a looney / crazy woman. and...tripped.
Telling Rosie she said.
'Wow, Suz, he must think you're literally falling head over heels in love with him. Well to be honest either that or.
That BITCH can't walk properly she keeps tripping over, she really needa buy herself a pair of new shoes.
Thanks Rose.
Being as neat, clean and crisp as he appears, I think the latter. peace.x

FYI - The tailor looks like a malnutritioned 12 year old who has been polishing his crisp suit and silver jewellery since 1992 *ok so maybe i stare if i have noticed those tiny details _ shit!!* and I would probably crush him if I even as leaned on him since he would weight a whole 30kgs on a fat day, and delicate as he is, my  unwashed hair would probably make him puke all over his pristine suit. I am not being mean, just merely pointing out how unsuitable he is, yet how much time he takes up in my brain - ten minutes of gawking and ten minutes of blogging about him and three minutes laughing about him with Rose. aHH NOT that much. He deserves his 45minutes of air time. Probably a quarter of the time he spends in the mirror of a morning. Stark comparison to the whole three I spend in mine.

He of course is not a suitable candidate but then again they never are. This is what makes this fictional world of mine so exciting, should it ever creep into reality and I mean even merely, I know i would run a mile. Something i excel in. cheers. Goodnight, it's midnight I really should sleep.

Fallen Angel

I thought you were perfect, but I was misguided, mislead, deceived 

your thoughts, your words, your sentences, oh how they sounded so perfect and rang so true, 

they were everything my heart had waited for and more

suddenly it was real.

Every word, ever so true, ever so real, even more so a contradiction to the last, 
for you mean what you say and say what you mean but even you dont know what that is..

to be inside your head, is it all clear in there with a map and directions of where to go - are you aware of your game?

or are you struggling, lying to yourself, trying to figure it out ....
bringing the world in with you, into your little world and game.

or are you just fighting what you really want

just like the rest of us

trying to heal the pain

or are you the one that is completely aware of your game

built a foundation of deceit and lies, known all too well

living each moment 

hurting more than the last

you enter their world

and take what's not yours

in the hope that you may mask the pain 

each day something new to gain, something that is not yours 

you awake empty 

searching, hunting, for a moment of gratitude

another moment of admirantion and praise

its not enough to replace a lifetime of hurt, rejection and pain

you abuse whats not yours and leave

another victim, you search to find

another life you choose to destroy

Leaving behind a string of broken hearts, shattered lives,

they trusted you, they let you in, open hearted

They didn't see your own hidden agenda, they trusted you, they let you in, they loved you, they nurtured you, they let you in

You are blinded to your own needs, another hit you desired, another step up the platform of gains, another score

in order to mask your own pain with this very little evil game

A pain that will only grow stronger with the more you destory

Outside is all smiles and beautiful piercing eyes

Inside lies a rotten weed growing with greed, envy and lust

for what is not yours

Willing to destory anything and anyone

in order to get yourself to a place you could never alone go

I wish you all the best,

I pray that you will look deep inside

and see the rotten heart that you hide,

hidden beneath the smile and the golden locks

lays a ship, stranded at the docks,

anchored deep within, a soul of lies and bitterness

seeking to find and destroy

so for a moment you will feel that gratitude and praise

the high of being wanted, needed and desired,

for a moment you feel like you have won,

and uplifted and high once again

until that too will die and you leave in search

of another life to destroy.

BE STILL

I talk an awful lot, when I am not talking, my mind is talking. My mouth may not be moving but thoughts are churning through my brain at a million per second. I can't even count the number of thoughts that pass through my mind daily. There's plans, ideas, thoughts, everything I do whether it be drink a tea or water, is evaluated in this brain of mine.

I met someone a few months ago who managed to get me to be still for a whole four hours - give or take an hour or two - I wasn't exactly counting. or maybe longer. Like I said - I wasn't counting. My brain wasn't moving.I wasn't thinking.

By be still  - I mean, not speaking, brain not moving, thoughts not going through my head, pure stillness. I even managed to fall asleep without medication for a whole hour (approximates here)- i do not sleep without some form of sedative, be it natural - be it chemical. Those thoughts do NOT leave me alone for even a moment. I didn't realise it at the time. My mind was still for the first time ever  -  well let's be real, since longer than I can actually remember. I had no thoughts.

And that I kind of enjoyed - the stillness. Entering an unknown land without waving my caution flag around? I didn't think about what I was doing there, why I was there? Why I had put my guard down and allowed myself to walk into this persons world as brief as it was - I usually don't leave my own tower  -  but somehow this evening I ventured beyond the confines of my dark walls and it wasn't deliberate, I didn't plan it, and I didn't know it, until I looked around and suddenly I was in unfamiliar territory. And that can be dangerous but surprisingly there was something that I liked about the unknown land.

Why had this person had managed to captivate me? How and why did I end up here? Interesting questions, I now ask myself. Again, those thoughts.  I am surprised it managed to stir something within me, which is great, because I tend to live life quite numb to reality and especially other humans, but not this one. Strange that. There's always one that slips through the cracks. The one minute you are not paying attention....you find yourself captivated and by then, it's too late. The thoughts have formed and you're trying to stop them, but you can't. Especially if you are as insanely senstive as I am. I can't just leave things where i found them. This time, I must. again.

Dear Neighbour

Please put something friggen clothes on when sitting by your window (no headphones do not count as clothes) I almost tripped gawking into your window today and now I look like a pervert. Kthanks.bye.until tomorrow morning.

Silence

So I remained there…. silent. Distant. He has no idea who I really am behind the mask of coolness, and I am too scared to tell him, behind the carelessness, the silence and the banter, lays a broken girl who wants to know him but is afraid, afraid that just like the first and last time, I opened up, I told someone how precious the moment was to me, with those words I placed a piece of heart right in their palm,I gave away my shelter.

I trusted him, I warned him, but he took it anyway because I made the choice of giving him that heart with those very words.

I like you more than words! I do but I will always be too scared to tell you. Words are my vice, my weapon, my everything – With them I give away more than I ever could physically. So I REMAIN silent……