Courtney Love - There is no one quite like her in this world

Imagine this: you’re peaking. You’re in your youth. At the prime of your life. The last thing you want to be is a symbol for heroin use. You’ve finally met someone of the opposite sex you can finally write with. That’s never happened in your life. The only other person you could ever write with wasn’t as good a writer as you, and this person’s a better writer than you. And you’re in love, you have a best friend, you have a soul-fucking-mate, and you can’t even believe it’s happening in your lifetime. And as a bonus he’s beautiful. And he’s the best fuck that ever walked. And he wants to have babies, and what you want is babies. You’ve wanted to have babies forever. And he understands everything you say. And he completes your sentences. And he’s lazy, but he is spiritual, and he’s not embarrassed about praying, and he’s not embarrassed about chanting, he’s not embarrassed about God, Jesus, none of it. He fucking thinks it’s really cool. He wants to fucking learn the path. He wants to be enlightened. Everything. And there’s even room for you to fix him, which you like, cause you’re a fixer. He’s perfect in almost every fucking way. The only fucking happiness I ever had. And then it all gets taken away…”
— Courtney Love, 1995."
I know many disagree, but Courtney LOVE in my eyes is sublime.

Photos: Unknown / various sources.

I got to love, I rode the rails

You came with me because you cared

I was broken, I was scared

You held my hands and took away my fear

We knew it couldn't last

And that was hard

"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. 

Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their 

feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings 

puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection 

even if it kills them slowly within."

  Sigmund Freud

Heidi Slimmane - Inspire ME.

 Freedom

 Pens, Paper, Art, Craft, Words

 Ageless - Limitless - Neverland is my fantasyland and my home

 Books and Words make up my life

Masculinity

Days Gone By

I stared at the screen, was this true?  had he really come back to New York?  and was he really working in the next block? Was he really now a mere five minutes away from me. Whoa! Excitement rushed through my body, my heart racing.  I grabbed my keys, sung out to my boss that I was going to Starbucks and begun to happily skip down the street, down the same street I had walked down each and everyday for the past year, on that very street where the building he was now working in was sitting.

As I walked past, I looked up at the skyscraper building stretching towards the  bright blue sky and thought, you’re in there - You’re so close.– realizing in that moment that I sounded rather mad. Stalkerish even. But no, it was ok, I wasn’t mad, just in love. Suddenly it made my heart skip again. You are so close to me again, the universe has brought our paths together again.

 Thoughts started to fill my brain, I started to feel alive again for the first time in a very long time, excitement rushed through me as  thoughts started to bounce in my brain,  maybe we could have lunch together…. maybe we could be friends again…..maybe we could do lunch a few times a week, and maybe I could tell you about my new crush and we could laugh about how I had finally found my Peter. Maybe you could even tell me what to do about it, you always knew I was a nervous wreck around men,  you always knew what to say. Maybe we could even stretch lunch to dinner, and even share a wine again, or even … what was that drink you liked- I am surprised I can’t remember it actually, oh Gin and Dry with lime. That’s it.  Maybe we could share a bottle of gin even. Together…. just like before.

 With those very thoughts racing through my mind at a rapid speed, I suddenly felt happier than I had all year, A huge smile now covering my face, I felt inspired again, as I passed people in the street I smiled, I wanted to talk to them all, ask them how their day was, was it as good as mine had just become. I wanted to take photos, all those encouraging words you had spoken into me, and they came flooding back. Every sense now awake and alive, I could smell the fresh air, I could feel the blood running through my veins, the icy cold air now a warm breeze against my face, I could see the sun shining from behind the clouds, the sky was so blue, why hadn’t I noticed this gorgeous blue colour of the sky before? suddenly I could see clearly again, everything fresh and new, I wanted to buy a new dress, I wanted to take photos again, a pretty dress, that’s it, I’ll buy a pretty dress , and dress up again, and feel pretty again, I remember the way you would look at me when I had a new dress on, That’s it, I’ll go shopping tonight and buy a whole new work wardrobe. Yes yes yes…..Ideas flooding through…ten at a time, …excitement filling my brain and body, thoughts of outfits to wear to our lunches,  I was now no longer strolling along that same street the way I had yesterday, I was NOW skipping along,  a leap in my step, hopeful and excited for the future ahead, vibrant, I was the happiest I had been all year, the thought of having you near, brightened my day like nothing had managed to before….when suddenly it dawned on me…

You’re NOT MINE,

you belong to someone else now, you’re theirs, and despite what we shared, all that is now gone, done, burnt to ashes. No longer. YOU’RE NOT MINE.

NO SUZI, the voice said. Let it go, Let him go.

Suddenly I remembered the way you walked out of my door, out of my life, not looking back, the phone call that never came, the text that never arrived, the 'you have mail button' that didn't show up. The nothingness.

The silence, it echoed, getting louder and louder as each day went by. The disappointment growing like a weed strangling every ounce of hope.

Suddenly those wounds felt so fresh again, the blood pulsing through my veins now felt like a sharp knife tearing away at my skin, ripping apart the flesh that was holding me together, exposing my bare and broken bones for the world to see.

The warm breeze turned into a cold splash of ice against my fragile face - awakening me, my eyes suddenly heavy welling up with tears needing to escape, I was no longer able to suppress the pain, the emotions, the hurt, the memories of what once was but no longer is, the tears, they splashed down my cheeks like torrential unexpected rain, I was saturated, mascara running down my face, falling off my lips, those same lips you had once kissed, those same lips now drenched with salty tears of heartache. Of memories.  I felt like a dark storm had just invaded my entire body, darkness, hopelessness, my body and feet getting heavier and heavier with each step, unable to go back, unwilling to go forward, how was I even going to make it back to the office before I had even made it to Starbucks. My body aching and heavy, my mind dull and dark.

Let it go Suzi, I heard the voice again. Let him go Suzi.  It’s over Suzi, It’s over. He’s not yours.

Heavy sighs, tears flowing, I COULD no longer contain them, that hope that had just elevated my mood like a huge wave had come crashing to the shore like a tsunami, leaving behind a mass destruction. Despair filled my entire being. I missed him, but in

In that moment I also hated him, I hated him because I knew how much I actually loved him and I knew how alive I was at the time when I had loved.

I knew how happy he had once made me, how he came into my life at a time I had not been able to love. He introduced me to love and life again, to men. To people. I recalled all the conversations we had once had, the looks he gave me, the way he wrapped his arms around me and said  stop sheltering yourself, I am not going to hurt you.

But.you.did.

All those spoken words now seemed forged. STOLEN. Like I didn’t deserve them, like he shouldn’t have given them to me, like I had taken them without asking for permission. I didn’t’ deserve them, have them back. And take the memories with you. I no longer want it. Just knowing what  I had once experienced and lived, hurts too much to remember. Why did I even bother with hope,  that time, that once upon a time now feels like something I had concocted in my heavily medicated brain just to feel alive, even if just for a moment. To escape from the grim reality that had formed my …life.

 I reached for my nurofen in my bag, my pains now physical, I needed to stop this, to stop the pain, the disappointment, the numbness that had now taken over my entire mind and body. Maybe the chemicals would stop the pain, maybe even just for a few hours. Maybe even just to get me through the day so I could at least get through and do my job the way I needed to.

Photo: SuzanneLouise

Kay Redfield Jamison - An Unquiet Mind - excerpt

'There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality." Kay Redfield Jamison - An Unquiet Mind.

We can scrub those walls down until our fingers bleed and sometimes we find there's still marks we missed.

HIGHS AND LOWS

It's starting to show through the cracks

The fake smile had faded

Hope has slipped from beneath me

I am losing my mind

Everything feels blank and void

Struggles seem so NEAR - like they are all about to cave in on me

one at a time, its knocking me down, unable to hold on anymore

I've held on too long already, one too many years too long

The heaviness just builds, as arrows come flying at you

one at a time, and with each one, you get weaker and weaker

until it feels like you can no longer stand

and the ground beneath you is about to cave in

and swollow you up, or had is already - i can't tell anymore

my body can't contain it anymore, it's held on long enough

It's frail - damaged, tormented, scarred......

A mess i have spent so many years cleaning, scrubbing, mopping but the stains won't come off

Enough is enough - another day like this is another day too many

ZOLOFT.

As I sat and listented to the pharmacist, I could feel my head spinning. ‘you might feel a little light headed after taking this medication, she said. So its best not to take it at work’ maybe have your first one on the weekend’.

I nodded and said – Do you have anymore information on this drug?

What she didn’t realise was that my head was already spinning. Spinning so much I could barely stand there and look at her withiout swaying. A little like an addict of some description. Except I didn’t look like an addict, I was well dressed, polite, well spoken and was on the good side of town. There was no way I was struggling with anything more than a bit of a chemical imbalance.

As she spoke, I was trying to figure out why I felt to light headed, was it because I had only had five hours sleep? Was it because I hadn’t had breakfast? Or lunch and dinner the night before? Or was it all the valium I took last night to go to sleep. Suddenly I realised how much I just wanted to curl up on the counter of the pharmacy and just go to sleep. I was tired, I needed rest. I had bags under my eyes, I could barely construct a proper sentence. What had I become? Who was this person? I had gotten through endless years of struggle and now I was losing my grip on reality. Suddenly I couldn’t fight anymore, I could bear another day of struggle, so I numbed them, uppers, downers. They were all legal so technically I wasn’t doing my body any damage. The pills I was taking were all made in legal labs with proper ingredients, not some dodgy farm in Mexico like all the other drug addicts I knew. I was saving myself from damage, or was I destroying every cell in my body and not even realizing it? Was I hiding behind this addiction? If they just seen the addiction, they wouldn’t see me? The pain would somehow mysteriously disappear.

The thing is no drug can take it away. When the drug wears off, the pain resurfaces, it's there, it's reminding you, hey, the bandaid fell off idiot, I am still here, and now I am going to sting that little bit more, because I haven't seen the sun for a while.....and now that I do i may just ex-plode.

My Bestfriend Luke

Lukas,

This is my dear friend Lukas. I have convinced him that if i ever want to skip the country again that he has to pose as my fake boyfriend so that i may fool my parents and friends into letting me leave the country with a 'boyfriend' and they have nothing to worry about. Lets be real, after my stint in NYC, no one is prepared to let me travel alone AGAIN!!

Anyway, enough SUZI time but now it's Luke time.

He is consistent, he listens, he opens doors for me, actually we can fool people into looking like we are a couple, he makes me laugh and he is an absolute doll. His dry sense of humour cheers me up every time and he always tell me what I don't necessarily want to hear - (especially if it concerns men).  Actually probably the only male in my world. Males as we all know don't frequent my world. It's refreshing to have male perspective every now and then.

'You're too abrasive Suzi' He says. Just be nice.

I don't know how to Luke - I whinge.

Watch and learn - he says

I am yet to learn dear. But I know one thing I love and adore you to shreds.x

Thank you for for being there for me the past years, it's been a journey - that's for sure. :)

Thank You and Goodbye

A year has passed and memories still remain - I needed to write a post about you. You were such an important part of my life and in some ways, you still are.

But each time I go to write, I write 5 blog posts worth because I cannot condense our friendship into one. So I will try and break it down, but it somehow seems impossible to put into one.And perhaps it won't have a natural flow, because I am trying to deliberately be brief, but I think you earned this space. Bask in the glory - you deserve it. No pun intended. YOU were special.

I noticed last night I had a problem. Even though we joked about my 'addictions' I still recall you brushing the hair off my face and saying 'Suzi, this is not good, you need to do something about this' What are you going to do?  Spend the rest of your life at the doctors surgery?' I knew you weren't the 'caring / sensitive' type but you knew I had a problem and I didn't even have to tell you. 'PROMISE me you will get better' you said. Suzi, I am serious about this. Promise me. You can't your live your life like this'.

'I can't do that. I can't. But I will try.' I said.

Maybe the reason for the addiction was that I was running from something, maybe it was that I was trying to suppress all these feeling that I had for a man for the first time in ten years, maybe I was trying to run from the very thing that I wanted the most and I didn't know how to stop the emotions. Maybe I just wanted everything to stop. Maybe I had let go and these things were helping control me.

You would say that you were an insensitive soul, but beneath the facade, I could see how deeply sensitive you really were, and despite what you said about yourself, I knew deep down there was a beautiful soul, bursting at the seams, but had been afflicted, and that made me like you more than anyone I had ever met before.

You came into my life at a time I had given up hope. Love had laid dormant in me, I had isolated myself from the world I had once known, people I once loved were gone, I was alone, and about to give in, give up ...and as for men....well...I didn't even know men existed. I didn't want a bar of it.

But....you, you seen something in me, I had not seen in myself and you were determined to bring it out and let it shine. And I guess that is the reason, why I am writing my post, to remind myself that the very person I was in love with for so long, loved me back and they loved me back for being me. 

Thank YOU & Goodbye

Thank YOU & Goodbye

You stood on the other side of the wall, you kept knocking, I wouldn't break, but deep down, something was shifting, something was breaking, you didn't give up when I was awkward, you didn’t give in when you put your arm around me and said, 'men aren't that bad Suzi' - I pulled away shyly, looking at those beautiful eyes of yours and thinking the last time a man put his arm around me was....more than a decade ago and that is too painful to think about. You're standing too close. Go away. Your in my space. move back, you’re making me flustered. But that didn't stop you. I would take ten steps back and you would always take eleven forward, insisting, pursuing, knocking. something no one else had bothered to do before. But never going too far, always so delicate, always so careful, never overstepping your boundaries.

I would stop talking to you, because deep down I knew I was falling, but you didn't give up, you would stand in my way, and ask me questions you knew I didn't feel like answering, but instinctively you knew they would put a smile on my face. You would run over to me like an excited little child and say 'guess what i found out?" Want me to tell you a funny story - I bet I can make you smile Suzi...'
Make me smile, indeed you did. The thought of you still does. Although now with a minor sting and a drop of a tear.

Everything about us was fun. We were fun. We could be anywhere and have the time of our lives. Walking down the street suddenly was the most enjoyable exercise ever! People would look and ask how long we had been dating? You would pause, I would laugh and say, really? Dating? No we're just friends... and smile at you - like i knew something and so did you.

Together we were a laughing pair of idiots. You never told me to settle down, or stop being loud. You never walked away with embarassment when I tripped over or spilt something. You just shook your head and laughed. Oh  Suzi!!
I liked the way you cared, you cared and understood my struggles even though someone like you had never had to struggle in such a way, you always understood and never judged. You could see the pain behind the smile. You knew I had been hurt - even though I never told you. I never had to. Somehow you always instinctively knew.

You could tell I was hiding away my deep desire to love and be loved with a solid facade that no man could break. That was until you....you came in and knocked down every wall, every cell, every emotion alive again.  I didn't realise it at the time, but I was quietly examining your every move, waiting for you do to something wrong, something to quietly reassure me that I was right about men, and I had been all along, but no, you proved me wrong. Something again, no one has been able to do before.

You made me want to care about someone more than myself for the first time. You made me want to like love. It felt so real. I wanted to give you everything, and I wish I could have......But we both know that wasn't possible. I never had to think with you, I could just be myself, I wasn't even thinking of you as a potential love interest -  I mean I hated men, I didn't want them anywhere near me and you weren't going to be an exception, I had numbed that part of my soul years ago and heck you so weren't my type, all preppy and perfect and polished, so far from anyone I would ever be attracted to, but....after a whole year .......

I thought you were the most impeccable creature I had every laid eyes on.....

We came from completely different worlds but together we had everything in common. You understood, you didn't tell me to get over it, you just said, please be free, smile.You would say, 

'You're so strange, you know that right? but I absolutely love that about you. You're like NO ONE I have ever met before, and no day is the same with you. Don't ever change for anyone. Because what you have is so precious. If they don't like it, they didn't deserve it in the first place'

Thank you - thank you - thank you -  for your words, I will try and remember them on days like today when I feel like I have failed. When I feel like I have said too much or not enough. When I feel like I could have done things differently. When I want to suppress my personality and 'act normal' or settle down and just chill.

Everything hit home when I realised

........ I loved him. I didn't want to admit it to myself, because admitting it meant defeat, it meant I had failed to protect my heart and myself from man, one heartache in life left no room for more. So I continued held held down, pretending that I didn't feel a thing, until

I could no longer sleep because my heart was beating so fast,

I could no longer walk past him, my feet were walking towards him, one foot in front of another, before I could do anything to stop them, they had reached him.

My mouth opened, words came out, before my brain had a chance to stop them,

before it had a chance to say - Don't do it!!!!!
You're going to get hurt again,

Can you honestly go through all that pain again.

BUT I DID,

I Opened up.

I told you.

I took a chance

I let go

I walked in

We sat, we shared a wine, we shared a smoke, we shared a kiss, we laughed and we both treasured how rare that moment was and now I will always treasure that little piece of my heart I gave you....I have it back now, its no longer yours, but I wont forget those words you imparted in me nor the time we spent together over that past year. 

I only wish I had the sort of courage again, I only wish I could walk that way again, the next time someone knocked on my door, I wish I would open it and let them in - make them a warm tea. but instead I sit by that door, hear it, want to open it, but I just can't bring myself to it, to be honest, I don't even know where the key is. I will search until I find it again, or maybe wait for someone to smash that door down, - just like you did. never giving up on me.

Thank you for taking a chance on me.  and showing me how to love, How to love myself AND most importantly others again... you left, my love for you left, but my love for ME remains. so quietly I whisper

Thank You - and Goodbye. The Words you left behind I will keep with me forever.