I am ME.

And then you realise, that’s not who you are.

Whilst you were trying to be someome else, you actually became, yourself

You discovered exactly who you are and who God created you to be

The past year, was the hardest year of my life

I plunged off the highest building in the upper east side and fell flat on my face

I tore more ligaments and fractured more of my skull than even MY overflowing cabinet full of painkillers and prescription drugs could heal.

I cried a bath full of tears

EVERY.DAY.

And today I woke up and I looked at him, the boy I thought I liked

and suddenly I realised, I don’t like him at all

or his life

or the person I become when I am around him

I am not her

I am not the girl that changes in order to please someone else, or fit into their lifestyle,not even for…

LOVE 

Not even for someone who would tick all of my boxes and look pretty on my arm or even...sitting on my balcony one hand holding a cigarette, the other hand clutching a rum & coke, and coke and possibly more coke

glued to the substances that make him happier than i ever could, so I should just stop trying. I can't be someone else. I can't be powder or plant or chemical.

And life, well life isn’t about boxes or looks, it’s about freedom, freedom to be yourself and be accepted just as you are, not changed, not willing to change, not refining……just because it suits someone else

Today I found her again,

the girl YOU (the boy on the blacklist-the one I didn’t chose or change for, the one who doesn’t even tick ONE box, but every box at the same time)  fell in love with

He fell in love with the fun, funny carefree one.

The one who actually doesn’t care what people think of her

unlike him

and today, i am taking back that girl because it’s the only one that makes me happy, and really the only one i know how to be, without trying. She is me - being me. I make myself happy. 

They say your eyes are the window to your soul
They were responsible for letting you in,
for letting your near my tender, sacred, secure ...soul
I saw you with my eyes and opened my heart
Now I 'am done, it hurts to see
It hurts to feel, it hurts to think
Numbness has again rained on my parade
Close the blinds
put on the glasses
its time to keep my soul to myself

We sit on my balcony overlooking the city skyline. Me with my wine, you with your vodka lime and soda, it isn't Gin, but it's close enough and it will have to do. I wasn't expecting you, and I am out of Gin at the moment. Vodka will have to do. Even though I know Gin is your favourite drink.

Wine, I purposely chose white wine, it makes me feel careless and slightly vulnerable. It's a quarter past eight in the evening and you've been here for an hour.  We're laughing and chatting about everything that has happened in our lives in the time that we have been apart. We haven't stopped talking and yet we still have so much to say. I can't wait to tell you about the time when.....and you're interrupting as you always do, telling me i am mad, and asking those ridiculous, useless yet purposeful questions like you always do.  

'Nice place' you say. 'I like it better than the last'. you add.

'Glad you like it' I respond. 'You should visit more often' I add. And I with that last sentence I realise I have overstepped my own boundaries. I promised myself no flirting, no show of emotion tonight. I take a sip out of my wine glass and pick up my phone. It's a good distraction, and it keeps my eyes away from him.
Away from temptation. Away from desire.

'Maybe i will' I hear him say. He is sitting a meter away from me but I've blocked his existence, his voice now mere background noise. Barely audible. I finish my wine and rise to my feet, clutching my empty glass. Walking toward the entry door of my home. 

'Refill for me' - I say. And I know if I have this glass, I will overstep my boundary. Wine makes me vulnerable. It doesn't reason.

'Another? Already?'  He asks.

'Darling, you know wine makes you crazy' he adds

'No that's tequila' I say.' You forget easily'. I walk away. He stays still. He doesn't follow me into the kitchen or the bedroom where I go to fetch a coat, it's cold, I feel cold.  Maybe I'm just shivering because I'm nervous. 

Fast forward three hours, I'm my room, I am laying in my bed, the cotton sheets ruffled around me, I look around the room, avoiding the bright rays of the sun steaming through the windows. I look down at my clothes.  I'm wearing my usual bed attire; my libertines t-shirt. .The bed feels huge, I scan the room with my eyes, the sun hurting my sight. Where's the empty wine glass from last night, the empty bottle of below 42vodka, his empty packet of smokes, he always leaves them on the bedside table. They're gone. Everything is gone. So is he. When did he go? The last I remember, I left him on the balcony. I was getting another wine.

Rewind three hours.

I remember now. I have awoken from another one of my Valium induced sleeps. 

I draw the curtains shut, reach over to the bedside table, the one that was supposed to have his smokes resting on it, but instead, it contains my half empty packet of Valium and it's only two weeks into the month, I crack open the packaging and take out another pill, I use whatever is left in the water bottle on my floor to wash it down.Emptying the plastic bottle and throwing it back on the floor. 

The Valium, yes it will help, it will help when dealing with the knowledge that only moments ago you were here with me, and I felt, I was happy, but that was whilst I was sedated the the Valiums had control of my mind it took me to the place that I wanted to go. Dreams do that you know, but now reality has this way of waking you up from your dreams without warning and I quickly realise you were never really here and this, it was just one of my fantasies, turned into a dream which felt so real when I shut my eyes and went to sleep.

January 1 2012

And when the truth is unfathomable
You just want to lay there
Encapsulated in your own imaginary universe
Escaping reality;                                                                                    
Chasing your thoughts, unable to catch them
They’re running away from you                                                                         
sending your mind in a spin, round and round, like a clown at a fare, bopping around, stop, stop, stop, you just want it all to stop, you want stillness,
where are you my bed?
pop, silence - all is quiet
pop, awake - I am functional
pop, pain subsides - I forget, I am still
pop, peace - sleep is now near                                                                      
life is anything but normal now

Where’s my bed? I want to sleep. I want to forget. I want it to be normal again.

Happy 2012

I decided to be a girl for a change. It was a nice feeling. 

Freedom

The colour of the blue sky against the crystal clear waters
The scent of freedom in the air
Here today now, I am perplexed at my own freedom
The ability to make choices without the fear of repercussions
My life, finally my own
Today the day, many days before were spent praying about
Today here in 2011 in the last week of November
an announcement made that proclaimed my freedom
I am free to go out into the world, free to make choices
free to not camouflage my steps
Freedom tastes so sweet, for I have forgotten the taste and scent
trapped in bitterness and regret for almost a lifetime,
Bitterness no more, forgiveness reigns, I am free to proceeed

Vintage Shopping...O'Fun Times

Until you bring home so many items your rooms starts to resemble a vintage store. Cramped, overloaded, precious pieces, that look better on hangers than you.

Dance Under The Stars

   

Darkness has yet again descended upon me

my own thoughts evade me
 and all that's left is 

thoughts of you

It is impossible to navigate through the day

when my emotions are trapped in you.

I wish I could see what everyone else sees

yet all i see is inner beauty, penetrating through to the outskirts

Generous and kind

You took the time to understand

You gave me your hand

Together escaping to a faraway land

We danced under the stars

Drank wine under by the seaside

Shared secrets on long train rides

Talked about yesterday and many tomorrow's

All been and gone
Today there's nothing left to share
No wine, no music, not even a lone star
I look to yesterday in the hope that I may find it there

(to.be.continued, when things oxycotin is readily available)

WHAT IF????

I am sitting in a narrow light brown bricked laneway. Outside a nightclub, not just any nightclub but the nightclub I first laid eyes on you. This time it’s different though, it’s 10am on a Sunday morning. The only noise I can hear is that of the mild breeze rustling the leaves on the branches above me, the noise is soothing, it’s filling my soul with peace and reminding me that I am indeed alive.

The sun is up and shining brightly, I can feel its warmth on my skin. It’s a very different scene here today, outside this club from the night I met you. There’s no one around. No loud music, no friends, no drunken street kids, no young girls in skimpy clothing exposing more than the eye cares to see, there’s no musicians.  Just me, the wind, the trees and the empty shell of a club. There’s a stillness in the air. As I sit here I am taken back to that night, and I can’t help but play out the thought that plagues my mind from time to time; what would my life would look today if I had walked away that night ?If after what I had seen, I had run away and  never looked back. The answer shouldn’t matter, because I didn’t run away. I stayed. And I shouldn’t be thinking about the ‘what ifs’ yet my circumstances force me to ask those questions. To examine the past, in order to help me understand the present.

So I sit here clutching my strong skim cap in one hand and my keys in the other. I should continue walking through the narrow laneway until I reach my car and go home, yet, for some reason today I choose to stop, to give those two very important words ‘what if’ some thought. What if I never met you, would I still be who I am today? Would I be happier? More trusting? More loving? Would I be married with two kids living in that white picket fenced house that I had envisioned years before my eyes met yours. Would I even be divorced, having known what I know now and having discovered it so late in life? or would I be unhappily settled and married, too scared to leave, trapped in a loveless marriage for the sake of my children. Would I still be who I am today if my past was different? Would I be a better person or someone far worse? Or most importantly would I be living my dream? Would my dream look different to the one I have now, here, today?  or would I have taken a completely different path if I had a choice? Would I be a mother? A wife? 

I know life has no room for regrets or 'what ifs', it is a case of sliding doors and sometimes we miss that train. Sometimes for the better, other times for worse, but we can never really know until we completely live out our lives and see where the path of life leads us.

We need to accept, grow, change and learn from our mistakes, but today, when this beautiful sunny Sunday  seems so gloomy and the future seems so far away and hope seems to have escaped me, my dreams seem like they belong to someone else, and I am alone,  it is here, today, now that I am forced to ask myself ‘WHAT IF?”

Escape With Me

Photo: Misma Andrews,

I need to get away. For a day, a week, a month. Or maybe just a weekend.

I want to have my senses awakened - every single one of them filled with something unfamiliar, an unfamailiar land, a new scent, perhaps a scent of fresh lavender living amongst the soft green grass, sedating me, invading my soul leaving behind a sweet peacefulness.

I want to taste the rough texture of the raspberries as I reach up and pick them off the branches, I want them to leave their pretty purple stains all over my un-manicured nails, I want to pick strawberries grown in cemented bath tubs, I want to  touch the side of your face, hold it in my palms and tell you how beautiful you are and how much your presence means to me.

I want to escape to another universe. One with no boundaries, one that has no walls and everyone is free to be themselves, say what they want without judgment, love who they want without fear, I want to pick pretty flowers and make daisy chains, I want to skip through the rice fields, covered with nothingness for miles and miles, I want climb the highest ice mountain and allow the cold, crisp air to fill my lungs as I breathe in life, and realise how precious it is to be alive in this second,  I want to see the entire world stretched out before me as I breathe out and feel its stillness.

I want to be surrounded with white ice, mist and blue clouds and even whiter skies. I am alive. I am still.

I want to ride a bike through the Austrian alps at a leisurely pace, listening to the birds above me, hearing nothing but birds, trees and stillness. I want to then fly down the graveled hill, feeling the branches of the trees and the leaves attached to them brush against me as I accelerate past them at full speed. I want to feel the wind pull back my hair and make my eyes water. I want to feel that water, stream down the side of my face. I want to feel the rush of fear as I come down that hill. I want to feel the relief as I stop and feel the stillness of the planet as my feet touch the ground. I want to hear the birds chirping in the trees above me. I want to sip port from the bottle whilst i lay in a hammock as I escape into a fantasy novel with fairies and miracles and goblins and love. I want to stay awake until the sun comes up. I want to watch it rise as I drift off to sleep, in your arms, surrounded by your love.

I find I am wasting time on nothing. Time goes so quickly, and it's ticking. I have so many unwritten dreams, so many visions, so many plans and even more desires. I have books I want to read, so many stories I want to write, I have so many unfulfilled romantic fairytales I want to live out, yet...I am afraid and feel numb. I want to run barefoot through endless fields of lillies, I want to feel that grass between my toes and under the souls of my feet. I want to fly to Italy and then catch a train to Russia just to know what it feels like to be alone in an unfamiliar, unpredictable and foreign land again, I want to feel you.

I want to build sandcastles on a beach in Cinque Terre, just like I did five years ago, but this time, I have a whole lot more heart, this time it will be different. I want to take pretty pictures there, be open to meeting the most interesting and diverse characters our universe has occupying it, I want to hear their stories, I want to write about their stories, about our encounters, about our lives on this planet and how we came to be at this very place at this very time. I want to live for I am alive.

Photo: Misma Andrews