I could be

You better hurry up because
I'm about to fall in love
with someone else
Love can't be orchestrated - I know that all too well
God, I wish it could
I would pick the perfect human
But it can't
You have my heart wholely
You're occupying you're own space
Rent free
But if you don't act soon
This new one
He's got more potential
Than. ....Anyone I've known - ....
since you
And he's getting a free shot at my heart tomorrow
If you don't act fast
And that arrow hits the target
It's his
I'll
Fall and we both know when I fall
It's hard to get up
So here's your chance
You had me first
Sweep me up and say I'm forever yours
Or this may be your last chance
Unknown I haven't been clear about it all
But I'm
Yours
Take me
Now or
Give me
Up
I can't live in between

Love is not enough

Whoever said' love is all you ever need - love alone is enough' I think They lied. Love alone is never enough.  

It wasn't enough to restore the betrayal - he betrayed me and no amount of love can erase the betrayal. Call it what you may, but love wasn't enough to stop betrayal and love for me wasn't enough to stay. - Self respect was worth more than the love I had for him. The love alone simply wasn't enough.  

Going on like this, constantly questioning why his morals didn't line up with mine, why I wasn't enough he had to look elsewhere. Even if he said it had stopped, and I loved him so much..... I didn't feel safe. And there's enough uncertainty in this world - your partner shouldn't be that also.live wasn't enough. Love was all we had left when everything else fell apart. But it wasn't enough. 

And then there was him, His love for his inheritance was greater than his love for me- those things made him who he was... Love added joy but it didn't change the reality he 'enjoyed' expensive toys and lots of them. Why would I (me, who finds the greatest joy walking around barefoot and wearing flowers in my hair, who prefers bicycles to porsches, bare feet to louboutins, a warehouse to a glass mansion) why would i fall for someone who treasured these things?  

Believe me I've asked myself this question since the second I realized I loved him, more than loved him, was head over bare feet in love with him, and was even prepared to 'think' about sacrificing everything i had for this love- I asked myself why? I don't know, all I know was I loved him,  And i believe he loved me but it also wasn't enough. Not for him to trade in all his toys.  And not for i. I couldn't sacrifice my core beliefs and values - not even in the name of love. Even if he had sacrificed all his expensive toys - It wasn't a fair trade. Again LOVE alone - wasn't enough.  

She loved him more than life itself, she said her vows and he said his,I'll support and encourage you till I die, but when times got tough he crumbled under the pressure and she got no support, love or encouragement - she too crumbled. But they were in love, they still are, but it's not enough to keep them together because life isn't just sitting in bed reading books and singing sweet lullabies to one another - there's children and families and hobbies and friends and jobs to factor in... And once you add all this to love, it makes it messy and complicated and stressful and the love you initially had fades into the background as you disagree on schools, friends, and values and beliefs.. Love alone never is never enough. The dizziness eventually fades, the butterflies, they disappear and love, if it's not rooted on core values that align, common interests and the ability to accept someone as they are -not part of them, BUT all of them and not hope to change them, that too eventually fades out and you're left knowing and wondering why love itself wasn't enough! Even bitter and cold and angry at love when all along it wasn't him or you or the lack of love, it simply was that it wasn't enough alone....that four letter word, LOVE, it just wasn't enough.

Lights flickering

I thought better than staying home tonight and feeling sorry for myself and my little heart. So instead I decided to take a chance on life and go to a deep house music party with a lovely kid called Max.

He was a boy I had just met at a birthday hours earlier. A boy who had bought two tickets for this gig, in the hope that he may find someone o go with him when the time and day came.

Max is a beautiful boy. Sparkling blue eyes and long healthy hair like Mick Jagger had in the 60's. He wore hyper coloured bright pants, and awkwardly told me, I was gorgeous. Several times. Despite me being bloated feeling really gross in my current low state of mind.

He is sweet and incredibly intelligent, he owns an old school nokia phone with the snake game on it....One of those flip phones, no social media, no selfless, no scrolling to distract you from the moment in front of you. He is genuine, and also recommended several books I should read, all written by incredible authors in the 60's.

We danced, we talked, we sipped on vodka lime and sodas. Several times throughout the night, I thought about how wonderful he was but how he was not you, and you and I, we have this ridiculously amazing connection, it's rather special and not much can compare to that. But by the end of the night, I had kind of grew to like max. And, how genuine he was. he had nowhere to go, no one else to see, just happy to be here with me, present in the moment. Girls kept trying to hit on him, because he's a total babe, but he'd innocently look over and point to me as to say  -  My attention is taken tonight.

When I was tired, he reached out his hand, and walked me to the car stand. He paid the driver to take me home, we smiled and exchanged a hug along with our numbers. I waved goodbye as I drove off for home.....I thought I think i'll see him again, he's rather lovely.

He's still not you, but I guess that will take time....

words

The last few months have been very challenging….I have abandoned my words…my mind and the outside world…it is time I start writing again….bear with me dear ones…I shall return.

Ghost of the past

I saw your ghost again last night. It was standing there, shining like a bright light in the dark sea of people in a dimly lit room, there you were. Smiling, talking,laughing like it was 1965 again. 

This time though, it was different from the last, i didn't want to runaway as fast as my fragile and worn little feet could take me. This time, I wanted to stay. To reach out to you, hold your hand, and transport myself to a time when I was able to be in the same room as you. unashamed. unafraid. 

I wanted to transport myself to an era when you existed, when my life was.... Simple. Maybe it was the familiar face of yours amidst a room full of strangers, the loud music, the smoke, it was all too much, maybe I was seeking comfort. Seeking someone that understood me, someone that I didn't have to make small talk with about my job, my love life, the weather, the industry, who I knew. I just wanted to talk about ......About ..... Life. But, the words - I'm a model, 
An ack-tor, I'm an act-ress were penetrating the smoke filled air and cutting through the music. Everyone stressing their self importance, who they were, who they knew. I just wanted to escape. To runaway to a time when none of that mattered. When people were just.... People. Young and free....and your face represented a time of freedom. A time when nothing mattered but love and music. Everyone was equal. Love was real. I stared at your ghost for a long time last night. But the more I looked, the more I realized, life has changed, the years have gone, it won't ever be that time again. It is now a time long gone and holding into the past - hoping to conform the future to it..... It won't happen. It's gone. I need to open my heart and let it go. I need to move on. 

Inspired by Y.o.U

It's sad that some people will never ever get to experience the true privilege of having their heart broken. They'll never know what it feels like to be truly alive in unity with another. 

 Heres why, they took the safe road. They settled for someone they knew could never break their heart.... Someone who was incapable of such things because they could never own their heart to start with. 

They knew no matter how hard they tried, or how much money was thrown their way - love can't be bought or forged - it's real and like living and dying it doesn't let you chose who and where and especially when. but if you go against the gravity of life and allow yourself to choose - instead of letting the magical unseen force that makes unchartered worlds collide and hearts tremble choose for you - it means you chose safety. You chose comfortable. And comfortable however safe is boring.  

 I want to live in a world where you hold my heart in your hands. My life depends on it - and if you dropped it, I'd never be the same again. That's passion. That's fire. That's all encompassing, fiery, raging, risky love. Because really, nothing is certain in this world, not even life, it can be taken in an instance and that's the beauty of living.... It's like Russian roulette. Ever changing, uncertain, one moment you're winning the next you're taking your last breath and exiting. Why chose to die before your wheel has stopped spinning?

Live as much as you can - while you can - feeling like everything is always at risk and everything including your heart can be shattered in an instant.  

If its loss doesn't break you, break it and walk away into the terrifying unchartered rough waters. And let your heart beat wildly in the dangers of the unfamiliar.  

 Are you brave enough? 

 Ps. I'd let you break my heart all over again...... 

 A broken heart still feels

Survival by Disassociation

"Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxietyand stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is "not entirely present", making them sometimes appear preoccupied or distracted. "

As I am thrown into the tsunami of my life, i have lost my will to write. I have lost my will process emotions for i have subconsciously blocked every emotion in my body and mind in order to survive this season and come out alive. I wonder why I do that? Shut down entirely. I am my own zoloft. I put a lid on happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and anything in between. I just want to be able to feel again, but strength is winning, and in that i am finding it difficult to write about anything Not humorous, not painful not even joyful. Out of everything I am missing about myself, i miss my relationship with words the most.

You only regret the chances you didn't take

You stood in the doorway, your hands by your side 'don't leave' you said

Please stay...

But she was afraid, afraid of hat staying meant, but I was afraid... Afraid of you, of me, of the situation how it reminded me so much of the last... Afraid that staying means opening up - possibly hurting myself again... So I ran, I ran as fast and far away as I possibly could, a place where I could collect my thoughts and maybe come back one day, with an empty head, an empty heart and a clean memory.... but, time... It doesn't wait for you and sometimes, just sometimes .... It's a little too late. 
Goodbye my friend. I wish I would have stayed. 

We only regret the chances, we didn't take.

Runaway with me

I want to escape with the stranger I met on the street last week. I want to enter their world for a whole day, a whole night, even a whole week.
I want to sit behind my lense and capture them in their environment.
I want to know what it is like to live in someone else's universe for a day.

I want to sit on their rooftops, talking about life, our dreams our fears, our past and most importantly, the here and now, this very moment.
I want to lay on the mountaintops and be enveloped by the night, surrounded by nothing more than the stars and the light of the moon.Wine stained lips, messy hair wrapped in a band of flowers, secrets leaving my lips. I want to walk along the sand at the break of dawn, welcoming the day. I want to whisper sweet lullaby's to the Lord in the heavens above.
I want to pray for a better tomorrow.
I want to want to love today.

I want to take pretty pictures of love, of sun and clouds and flowers and empty fields. I want to runaway with you. Away from this, from here, from the past, from the present, from everything I have ever known. From every secret I have ever had to hide. I want to be free again. 

Ani DiFranco - Untouchable Face

"Untouchable Face"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

Sometimes a song speaks to us, others it says exactly what we want to. This is a combination of both.