La-Vie-Enrose

Despite my life having more twists and sharp bends than a Chuck Palanhnuik novel, I want to believe in Happily Ever Afters and true love...and this today just seems appropriate. But pain, it seems to find me more often than not, and when it does, it makes me want to write. I wonder, secretly do I enjoy this pain so much, that i find it even though I don't even know that I am looking for it. I am not so sure.
Not today, and not so sure if I ever will be sure of it.

I pretend I don't care, that I am happy being alone
That i am not lonely, that in fact I hate Valentines Day and all the bullshit that surrounds it
those ugly red and white soft toys the cards that make you want to puke they're so awful
but today I realised, I actually am lonely
when the fuck did i get so lonely?
When did I start pushing people away?
And importantly, why?

'No I am not just talking about being in love!!' she exclaimed.

'I am talking about the all consuming, intoxicating, passionate, time freezing, euphoic high kind of love. The one that stops you from LIVING inside your own world and allows you to be inside another universe, someone elses universe, which suddenly becomes yours'. 'Yours and theirs'.

'One day it's just you and you're happy and then the next minute this being has just encapsulated your entire world and life, life suddenly becomes this grand journey of pure bliss, pure bliss you never even knew existed in this twisted world'.

And then you feel things that you cannot even put into words, and emotions and.....that's love, that is it' and it just makes you want to love them more than you have ever loved yourself, more than you have ever loved anything actually, she said whispering the last words to herself.

'and... you want to give them everything and more, and seeing them smile makes you smile and their tears become your tears' she said barely taking a breath in between each word.

'and wait'...she said, 'that's not all - Now that I have experienced it, felt it and know that it lives....I won't stop until I find it again. I won't settle for anything less. Once you have had a taste of real love, nothing else will do, and everything else is just compromise.' "Compromise I will not".

She looked over at him. His eyes glued to the ground, his hands in his pockets. Clearly he was hearing this? Was he? Had he switched off again? She didn't care. She wasn't about to stop until she had released every single word resting on her heart. She had been silent for long enough.

'So...' she said, walking over to where he was standing and lowering her tone to a barely audible one.

'Should anything stand between a love so powerful?' tell me? Should it?she asked. Deeply staring into his eyes, which had now looked up to meet her pleading gaze.

'Answer me?' 'I want to know' - she said

Should money or status or race or colour or country or anything stand in the way of something so magical and inexplanable? Should all those things matter more than the incredible intoxicating love two people feel towards each other?

Should anything stand in the way of love?

All is not what it seems

So I have this tendency to date / like / gravitate towards utter douchebags that look like they just crawled out of a Motley Cure video clip. They think it's cool not to shower and or change their clothes. They like to live in dumpsters otherwise referred to as bedrooms and drink copious amounts of alcohol because let's be honest, a bottle of Jack is as good a accessory to a rockstar's image as a poodle is to Paris Hilton's. They claim to do it for their love of 'music' but can't wait to get home after their gig and discuss how many -women- swooned - over - them, or how many hot new followers they have on twitter. What happened the feeling uplifted because you just played an awesome set? Hello - isn't this all about the beats? Not how many girls you can bed?  They flaunt and upload their photos / videos and selfes on every social media site there is and yet claim they want to reamain 'unknown and underground' really? I mean at least pull a Gene Simmons and say you're in it for the screaming women.

I don't think Kurt Cobain ever cared about how many views he had (if any) do you? No I didn't think so. Oh and of course the image, where they are non-conformists and don't really care what they wear, yet again they take three hours in front of the mirror to prepare their 'image' before a gig, because it is all about the 'image' after all....that's a hell of a lot of time for someone who doesn't have ten minutes to spare for a shower and or change their clothes when they are not in front of an 'audience'.

I locate these pieces of 'work' and have my first date, although is does not turn out to be what I play out in my brain prior to the date. You see, prior to the actual date, I give them a personality, I automatically assume they are going to be funny, intelligent, and laugh at my jokes and actually understand my jokes or even respond to them with under ten seconds. I pre-empt the conversations we are going to have in my head, the texts and the following witty emails that will go back and forth. All of this seems so perfect and idyllic until reality comes crashing in like a bucket of ice being thrown over my head and I quickly realise in reality this person actually doesn't exist outside of your brain.

In reality the one gazing into your eyes with what seems like admiration is actually thinking about how you would just stop talking for a minute. How what you are saying sounds utterly crazy (and perhaps you are - after all - you have made up a fictional character in your mind).
He doesn't actually get your jokes, let alone be able to throw them back at you, like say a 'attentive' person would. He doesn't get your sense of humour and at all doesn't really realise that you are trying to be funny in order to lighten up what would in reality be an awkward date. He doesn't realise that if you did shut up for a mere minute, the conversation would be dry because this particular person or persons as you would like to call them have great difficulty discussing anything that does not involve them, their grand musical ability and or chords, riffs or notes. And that strumming of the guitar that you found so soothing in the first ten minutes suddenly starts to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard, scratching the insides of your ear drums, you feel like they're going to implode and all you can actually think about is the sheer delight of tearing that thing out of his hands and smashing it off the closest wall just to get come peace and quiet and perhaps a human conversation, why are you here again? To listen to him play? Could I not have pressed play on my itunes and allowed John Mayer to soothe me as I spoke to myself? and saved myself this trip, this outfit, this makeup (which he has not seen, because he hasn't looked up from his guitar the whole time you've been here) and, of course these effing shoes which are causing me blisters, because I had to walk halfway across town to meet him at his place because he was too hung over to leave home - despite having this date planned for a week, he still went out until dawn this morning. What a great start to a first date. So much effort from the man you thought was a grand gentlemen and would do anything for you. This isn't twilight, this is reality girlfriend.


All is not what it seems. You leave feeling utterly defeated, 20% dumber and 80% deaf in one ear, because you have worked really hard for the past hour trying to drain out the noise of those strings and your own voice has slightly given you a migraine.

These uber hot dudes.....rude awakening they are not what they seem. Unless you're a mirror, then, well then, they will look at you with love and admiration. x 

Take me Away

'The man to your left, wearing the blue pinstriped suit, mid fifties sitting next to the woman in the black Chanel dress, lovers or friends?' He whispers gently. Looking me in the eyes, forefinger and thumb twirling the stem of the extra large wine glass. 

A Chanel dress? How do you know that's Chanel?   -   I ask. Looking him in the eye, my hands clasped together before me.

'My mother owns one, plus you can see the tiny CC engraved on the buttons, there can you see them? Look carefully? Can you see them?' he asks

'No!!!' I shake my head and slightly roll my eyes - I cannot'.

'Blind, you're seriously blind'
'How can you NOT see that?'
You should consider buying glasses, actually you'd look quite cute in them' he smirks

 'me?' 'cute?'
'REALLY cute is all you could come up with? I feel flattered I say, placing my hands over my chest'.

'Ok fine, you would look um err nice'. He adds

'Nice, wow, just stop now before you insult me further' I say 

'this isn't an insult' he adds.

'It's a compliment? i ask

'Indeed'

'Are you serious, you can't see her buttons?' He asks and again, he always knows what to say and when to say it. 

'NO!!' I say, as i take a sip out of my wine glass, seeing the liquid reach the bottom slowly

'refill?' he asks

'I don't like to get drunk' I say

 'You won't get drunk' he answers. 'Two glasses isn't exactly considered binge drinking'

 'And then i want three' I say

 'and so? What's the big deal? Have three? Have four even?'

'Have a whole bottle?'
'Here I will go and get us a bottle, I want to see you free and not caught up in your own thoughts about things you cannot change, just for one moment Suzi'

'I can't because if i get drunk then who will make sure everything is looked after and...'

PLEASE FOR ME...he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes of his.

 'Now the suit?' He continues - 'dress?' I correct him

Within minutes I have downed my second glass of wine and i am in a debate with him over whether the dress is Chanel or not, instead of the original question of whether they are lovers or friends. I am laughing so much and enjoying this moment, that I suddenly remember, I can't remember the last time I had a moment like this. I can't remember in my entire life on this planet from the age of 6, a moment when I didn't check my phone for a whole two hours. 
My mind hadn't been still in ...forever. . Maybe I am more of a control freak than i like to let on. But here, now, I can think about nothing else but this darn Chanel suit and, l, me I am having the most amazing time of my life. This man, this gorgeous wonderful man sitting here beside me has managed to do what NO ONE else has succeeded in before, no man, no woman has succeeded in taking me away from my neurotic overactive mind.

'Now drink and look at that couple and tell me what you think? Mistress or wife? Quick...tell me your thoughts and why you came up with that conclusion and I will tell you mine'.

And I am me again. 5 year old me. Careless me. I am laughing.  I sip the second glass of wine very slowly, I am too distracted by the conversation to worry about the wine or anything else around me. I am happy. Happy for the first time in longer than I can actually remember. Happy. I am.

You always knew how to interrupt my thoughts and make me smile.and that's why I miss you.
I don't want a partner because I want to have someone to lay reading books in bed with, not because i want you here when i wake up and feel the security of another being next to me. Not because I want someone to buy me Tiffany and Chanel, not even to feel soft tender kisses on my lips, not even those precious arms to wrap around me and make me feel loved. I don't want to feel loved, I want to be with you...because your soul brings me so much joy. That beautiful, sensitive, humourous soul of yours. Just you being here, helps me escape reality. Your presence propels me into a universe where everything is suddenly ok. and I am fine. Something no amount of prescription pills has ever been able to do. Those sarcastic remarks you know how to make at the right time, they make me feel alive.

And....... 

Why can't you be here with me now?  When my world is crumbling and my own voice is echoing through my corridors of my empty home, bouncing off walls and hitting me where it hurts, reminding me that I am all I have got, reminding me that I am alone. Alone the one time in my life I don't want to be. Alone the one time in my life, I shouldn't be.

There is no other reason but simply this and I think this is enough. 

Wherever you are, whoever you're with should realise how blessed they are, because they are spending this very moment, this moment in time that won't ever be repeated again, they are spending it with you. And that my long lost friend is the most beautiful thing I could think of right now.

I am ME.

And then you realise, that’s not who you are.

Whilst you were trying to be someome else, you actually became, yourself

You discovered exactly who you are and who God created you to be

The past year, was the hardest year of my life

I plunged off the highest building in the upper east side and fell flat on my face

I tore more ligaments and fractured more of my skull than even MY overflowing cabinet full of painkillers and prescription drugs could heal.

I cried a bath full of tears

EVERY.DAY.

And today I woke up and I looked at him, the boy I thought I liked

and suddenly I realised, I don’t like him at all

or his life

or the person I become when I am around him

I am not her

I am not the girl that changes in order to please someone else, or fit into their lifestyle,not even for…

LOVE 

Not even for someone who would tick all of my boxes and look pretty on my arm or even...sitting on my balcony one hand holding a cigarette, the other hand clutching a rum & coke, and coke and possibly more coke

glued to the substances that make him happier than i ever could, so I should just stop trying. I can't be someone else. I can't be powder or plant or chemical.

And life, well life isn’t about boxes or looks, it’s about freedom, freedom to be yourself and be accepted just as you are, not changed, not willing to change, not refining……just because it suits someone else

Today I found her again,

the girl YOU (the boy on the blacklist-the one I didn’t chose or change for, the one who doesn’t even tick ONE box, but every box at the same time)  fell in love with

He fell in love with the fun, funny carefree one.

The one who actually doesn’t care what people think of her

unlike him

and today, i am taking back that girl because it’s the only one that makes me happy, and really the only one i know how to be, without trying. She is me - being me. I make myself happy. 

They say your eyes are the window to your soul
They were responsible for letting you in,
for letting your near my tender, sacred, secure ...soul
I saw you with my eyes and opened my heart
Now I 'am done, it hurts to see
It hurts to feel, it hurts to think
Numbness has again rained on my parade
Close the blinds
put on the glasses
its time to keep my soul to myself

We sit on my balcony overlooking the city skyline. Me with my wine, you with your vodka lime and soda, it isn't Gin, but it's close enough and it will have to do. I wasn't expecting you, and I am out of Gin at the moment. Vodka will have to do. Even though I know Gin is your favourite drink.

Wine, I purposely chose white wine, it makes me feel careless and slightly vulnerable. It's a quarter past eight in the evening and you've been here for an hour.  We're laughing and chatting about everything that has happened in our lives in the time that we have been apart. We haven't stopped talking and yet we still have so much to say. I can't wait to tell you about the time when.....and you're interrupting as you always do, telling me i am mad, and asking those ridiculous, useless yet purposeful questions like you always do.  

'Nice place' you say. 'I like it better than the last'. you add.

'Glad you like it' I respond. 'You should visit more often' I add. And I with that last sentence I realise I have overstepped my own boundaries. I promised myself no flirting, no show of emotion tonight. I take a sip out of my wine glass and pick up my phone. It's a good distraction, and it keeps my eyes away from him.
Away from temptation. Away from desire.

'Maybe i will' I hear him say. He is sitting a meter away from me but I've blocked his existence, his voice now mere background noise. Barely audible. I finish my wine and rise to my feet, clutching my empty glass. Walking toward the entry door of my home. 

'Refill for me' - I say. And I know if I have this glass, I will overstep my boundary. Wine makes me vulnerable. It doesn't reason.

'Another? Already?'  He asks.

'Darling, you know wine makes you crazy' he adds

'No that's tequila' I say.' You forget easily'. I walk away. He stays still. He doesn't follow me into the kitchen or the bedroom where I go to fetch a coat, it's cold, I feel cold.  Maybe I'm just shivering because I'm nervous. 

Fast forward three hours, I'm my room, I am laying in my bed, the cotton sheets ruffled around me, I look around the room, avoiding the bright rays of the sun steaming through the windows. I look down at my clothes.  I'm wearing my usual bed attire; my libertines t-shirt. .The bed feels huge, I scan the room with my eyes, the sun hurting my sight. Where's the empty wine glass from last night, the empty bottle of below 42vodka, his empty packet of smokes, he always leaves them on the bedside table. They're gone. Everything is gone. So is he. When did he go? The last I remember, I left him on the balcony. I was getting another wine.

Rewind three hours.

I remember now. I have awoken from another one of my Valium induced sleeps. 

I draw the curtains shut, reach over to the bedside table, the one that was supposed to have his smokes resting on it, but instead, it contains my half empty packet of Valium and it's only two weeks into the month, I crack open the packaging and take out another pill, I use whatever is left in the water bottle on my floor to wash it down.Emptying the plastic bottle and throwing it back on the floor. 

The Valium, yes it will help, it will help when dealing with the knowledge that only moments ago you were here with me, and I felt, I was happy, but that was whilst I was sedated the the Valiums had control of my mind it took me to the place that I wanted to go. Dreams do that you know, but now reality has this way of waking you up from your dreams without warning and I quickly realise you were never really here and this, it was just one of my fantasies, turned into a dream which felt so real when I shut my eyes and went to sleep.

January 1 2012

And when the truth is unfathomable
You just want to lay there
Encapsulated in your own imaginary universe
Escaping reality;                                                                                    
Chasing your thoughts, unable to catch them
They’re running away from you                                                                         
sending your mind in a spin, round and round, like a clown at a fare, bopping around, stop, stop, stop, you just want it all to stop, you want stillness,
where are you my bed?
pop, silence - all is quiet
pop, awake - I am functional
pop, pain subsides - I forget, I am still
pop, peace - sleep is now near                                                                      
life is anything but normal now

Where’s my bed? I want to sleep. I want to forget. I want it to be normal again.

Happy 2012

I decided to be a girl for a change. It was a nice feeling.