That Girl

That girl - I want to be that carefree girl
the beat bringing me to life
alive again, free and fun

I want to be that girl that despite it all is still shinning bright
Is still offering hope to those close and far
dancing in the rain, room and night
Dancing in the hallways

Letting the music PLAY loud and clear
to another place, another space
imagination, creation, life
where is it at the moment
letting go, feeling free, going to another place
where mind and body are separate and emotions run free
that careless girl with the beat

Today -

Today I am not the person I was yesterday
I am not the person who liked to read, write and play
I have discovered a depth I havent known before
and that...
I should not let go of
so close so near on the surface of it all
it hurts to much to acknowledge
but even more to just forget
maybe living in the memory and the pain is better than the hopelessness of the present mind
Mind oh mind return to thy former state
one where love was real and life felt lived
I feel like I am merely existing
an empty shell -
one with life but without water
dehydrated and drawn out
I want to live again, to have hope to be me
free, as free as I once was

THE WHITE DRESS

Dress by: Anna Campbell
Anna Campbell dresses are divine. They are feminine, delicate and romantic.
Ceck out her dresses here

I just held that bridal gown against my body (much rather it had been a boy, a certain boy to be honest because it's never just a boy, it's always a certain boy and these boys are rare and special just like me) and I said to the assistant, You know I ALWAYS wanted to be a bride, but this colour white, it makes me looked washed out and pale. Oh wow, it doesn't make me look as pretty as I had always imagined.

Where's the bridesmaid dress section?

You can pick and choose your colours there, you're not confined to white and they're cheaper so I can cut them up and turn them into casual party dresses, party dresses will always be there when you need them and when I am done wearing it, It won't hurt me as it didn't cost as much as the beautiful white dress anyway.

So was did I continue to gravitate towards that white dress?

Because it's not about the dress, or the flowers, or the ring, its about what is symbolises (for me anyway) - the white dress says to me - finding someone that you say I do to. Someone that makes you love them that tiny bit more than yourself, someone you want to commit the REST of your life to, someone you are prepared to give up yourself for, risk everything for, leave everything for, share everything with. unity, togetherness, BE ONE with. Someone to wake up and share ALL of your secrets with, someone who understands you better than yourself at times, and someone who is prepared to risk it all for you.

As I stood there staring at myself in the mirror, in this beautiful blue dress, I looked prettier in it, thinner even, but I could finally see how much I really wanted the white dress, even if it did make me look paler and cost more ..  a whole lot more, it cost in faith, it cost in trust and it would cost in sacrifice...

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Everything I Desire...

I shut it out, I lock it out, I pretend it's not there

Pretending is my shield, my armour, my strength

The stage is my domain, from reality I refrain

I look, i walk, head held high, eyes wide shut to what lays in front

I refuse to look, to see, to acknowledge so I pretend

shall I stop, shall I pause, shall the curtain fall, shall I I take my bow and the performance end

shall i gain the courage to open my eyes to what lays before me and allow myself to feel

I fear, I fear it will engulf me, swollow me up, paralyse my mind, heart and soul

Torture me, encapsulate me, consume me and maybe even tear me ......to tiny shreds once again

Put together to be pulled apart, for no greater risk is that than that of losing oneself to another

I fear this very thing, so I continue on pretending, keep up the act, head held high in complete oblivion

I fear i fear i fear yet the very thing I fear I fear I have

already become

numb.

Pushing Forward

GOD is real and he is going to give you the desires of your heart - The question is ....

Do YOU believe it?

yes moments like today, i wanted to sit in a bath and just drown away my sorrows and just not  move and lay in regret and say life sucks because the reality of my situation right now is that it does suck. 

I have been miserable longer than anyone my age should, 

I have cried enough tears to fill every bath tub in this country

I have been more patient than I have wanted to, 

I  have sacrificed more than I would have liked

I have the right to say i give in, 

I give up... because things are definitely not rosey. 

But I choose to believe for a better tomorrow. 

I could look and say this time last year

I cried this very same tear. I could say that nothing has changed. 

BUT I look around at those who have come from darkness to light and are now living their God Given dream, and a glimmer of hope rises up inside me

I hear the word and more hope is born

Instead of destroying myself with alcohol and painkillers
...i put my faith in god, wait, and make it happen, one day at a time.

I take one small step a day, walking towards that dream

and with each step I get closer, I draw nearer

I can't see it, but I know the steps are taking me to my destination

I will get there and I will look back on this and say 

I did it GOD, I made it, and I am your prized possession, all these years, I got through, 

I woke up when I didn't want to 

I worked hard when all I wanted to do way lay in bed, 

I went and took that photo when my heart was breaking and it it wanted to do was bleed, 

I didn't give in when I had every right to, every reason to

I didn't swollow that drug and embark on a journey of numbness when it called my name night after night, asking me to come in, and escape, instead i felt the pain, through my heart, in my veins, and thumping in my brain.

Even though I lay there, still and unable to move, I pressed in, I believed, I hoped, I told myself, this is worth the pain, I didn't see the future, I didn't even see a ray of light at the end of this tunnel and at times I still don't see it, but somewhere I believe it is there because GOD says it is and he has proved himself more than faithful.

And FAITH alone pleases GOD more than anything else.

I will one day say this, 

I will say -  I got up and pushed through, and felt the pain even when I didn't feel like it and

now I look up to the heavens and say 

God - I did it. I arrived. Together we survived.

What did you do this weekend?

I am curious, what did you all do this weekend? Asked my dear friend.

My weekend was really good. I had a fabulous time. I cant even remember what I did but I know it was fabulous. I know my boss gave me some wine and then I trampaised around my friends homes looking for someone to party with me.Come play, come play I whinged. No instead everyone thought I was mad and suggested I just go to bed and stop caushing havoc.And that the best thing I could do would be to go to bed. plain and simple. So i took a nurofen to avoid a hangover the next day,  and went to bed.

Saturday night I went out again....Shady Pines, more wine, more hangovers and Sunday I did a photoshoot of myself. Ahh bless me and my love for myself. That's a jam packed weekend so I did remember after all, meaning it it was good.

 Then...last night I had Monday Family dinner in Manly and drunk more wine. Three no possibly four wine induced nights in a row i am bordering on alcoholism. Amongst other things like nurofenplus addiction. I would really like one now actually but better not.

Anyway, I rant....

My Imagination - Part Two - The Tailor

So today I had lunch with the gorgeous Roza. I told her about my second imaginary boyfriend -
(listen when you are my age and have been single for ten years- you need to invent magic in your mind to stay alive - so until I meet someone that makes my heart miss a beat and I actually want to kiss them instead of admire them from miles away or through a TV screen-  I will continue living in this fantasy world where i embark on these relationships with realistic yet imaginary people). 

Like for instance anyone that crosses my path, they are in real human form, but never anyone I would really actually realistically date or not run a mile had they ever spoken to me. Do men make me awkward? yes -  very. End of discussion. They say I am a dreamer, perhaps. Perhaps the fairytale does exist. I hope to one day know.

Anyway, an  example of this ludicrousy would be... the butcher, the milkman, the tailor, the neighbour, the Batista and whoever else I may meet and may feel like is a suitable candidate but of course will not talk to - because well...life is much easier when it exists in your head, they're real, they exist, but the relationship between you both just doesn't leave the perimeters of your mind...its a nice world and besides you can shut that shit down whenever you like and not bleed anytime you like. Am I starting to sound crazy yet?

So here it is, we are walking past the tailor and I tell Rosie how we exchange looks, yep this one actually looks at me - as opposed to the neighbour whom I coincidentally walk past each day and he sits at his window, blissfully unaware of my presence. I actually wonder if he works, or what he does, I walk past all hours of the night - NOT INTENTIONALLY - his apartment is next door, it's kinda inevitable, looking however is a choice, and he is always sitting at his computer. 8am, 2am, 11am, 6pm.

Back to the Tailor, I shot him a look as i started my descent down the escalators yesterday, whilst trying to be seductive and sipping on my coffee. I tripped because I was too busy staring at him instead of what I should have been staring at - the steps in front of me - I missed the first step of the escalators and almost took a tumble and that saucy straw almost ended up down my throat.....not in a seductive way at all. Fail. He looked back, he always does, quite puzzled.

Roza and the Tailor - share the same coffee shop. She decided to drop the crush info.

Roza: (Batista - she said his name - I didn't pay attention) Meet my friend Suzi, she has a crush on one of your customers.

Suzi: Hi, nice to meet you sir, umm so that tailor dude, does he swing my way or yours? Roza insists he is gay, I said she's just jealous because we have a relationship that consists of exchanging looks. Or perhaps I just look at him and he looks back confused and thinks - what are you looking at? Seriously, actually come to think of it, he looks at me like he wants to stab me---(I start ranting the Barista looks concerned).

Barista; Your way actually. - He's not gay.

Suzi: I told you Roza!! I told you!!

So we walk past the tailor on our way out and i am determined to show Roza the amazing 'exchanging looks' relationship that we have. I say watch he is going to look my way. We walk and I stop out the front of his store, and stomp my feet really loudly, it took about three stops before he looked up...and then...he looked up, puzzled and back to his suits again.

Roza: Covers her mouth with her hands, squeals.humiliated. and races ten steps ahead of me!!
I am so embarrassed. I cannot believe you did that. How will I ever look at him in the coffee line again!! You are not normal!! This is not normal.

Suzi: Butttttt......Rose, he looked at me and that is what I was trying to prove to you that he looks at me.

Rose: Because you stood outside his shop stomping your feet like a horse!! He had to look up and see where the noise was coming from.

fail number two.

And that my friends is my non existent love life. It consists of fictional characters. I really do wish i would actually speak to these men and maybe fall in love with them, but no, its much safer to hide behind the confines of my insane mind.

If you knew how the novel was going to end, would you still read it? Life is like your unwritten novel, full of mystery and adventure, enjoy the journey, the moment, the season and in due course, just like a novel, everything anticipated will come together nicely.

THE VERY THING I RUN FROM IS THE VERY THING I DESIRE