Tick Tock Tick Tock

 

Time - it has a way of constantly moving forward - even when we don't want it to. Even when we're not ready for it's hand to strike the next number, it does. It doesn't wait for anyone, not for you and certainly not for me.

It forces us to grow up. It forces us into a life we are not one hundred percent sure we really want.

I woke up this morning and strangely found my soul longing for a time long gone. A time when I was just a young adolescent. Free from the pressures of life, responsibility and finance. Anchored in security. Because there's a certain type of security that comes with being a 13 year old, a consistency that feels like home. 

You wake up everyday to spend 6 hours with your bestfriends - you catch the same bus that does the same route morning and night with the same bus driver. Your friends get on and off at the same stops. Your friends are steadfast, your timetable secure, life for the next six years is bliss. It's stable, secure and filled to the brim with steadfast love.

Fast forward ten years, you have rent to pay, marriage to secure before a certain age, time to have children - because that biological click is ticking, a failing economy - job instability, debt, friends moving away, last minute let downs and cancellations - because now everyone has their own timetable and their own life - and they dont have to be at school by the ring of the bell and you don't all meet at 8-11-1-3pm everyday. And, your parents are aging and you know no one lives forever, your siblings have moved out of home and you miss them. No more watching movies and eating dinner by the fire - all together, as one.  Nothing is the same anymore. 

Suddenly you feel so lost - lost and alone and like you're losing your grasp on reality and time and nothing is secure or fulfilling or worth it. Not even your partner, because really, they too aren't really yours and marriage vows to most these days are forever  changing and you can wake up one day to find that he has skipped the country with his / her assistant. It's frightening. It's lonely - its unstable. You are always longing, longing for a time, a time when everything was pure, perfect and secure. A time when life was planned out for you and all you had to do was turn up. I miss my past. I miss my old life. It's now A time long gone.

Where Art Thou LOVE?

Does true love exist? I mean really exist? Not the unrequited 'I am in love with you but you don't know i exist' kind of love,

but the equally, intoxicating, consuming, passionate, fiery kind of love. 

The love where two people love each other equally and both more than the other? 

The Romeo and Juliet - nothing, not even family ties and history can stop me from loving you - kind of love.I would die for you and you for me....love.

The Notebook, kind of love- where people don't give up on each other...They're pulled away, apart, reunited and consumed by each other? Does that exist?

What about Candy? That intoxicating, tormented and tortured love...that just draws them together and overpowers them both.

I'm curious. Does the magical unexplainable love really occur? And most importantly, is it real? Or am I living in a place of aliens and ufo's and starships and real love is just as possible and rare as these objects? 

A fantasy, an ideal, a dream.,, something that takes me away from reality for no more than a moment? It let's me float above the clouds for a day only for me to land flat on my face, be startled awake and realise....it was all just a dream, and, in reality nothing is as perfect as the love in our imagination.

Love Story – Nikolay Biryukov’s latest editorial for the September issue of Elle Ukraine features models Sam Rollinson (Select London) and Ondrey (Independent Men Milano) as stylish love birds 60s cinema 

Heart...

Everything is different now...and she wants to runaway to some place far, far away from familiar faces, sounds and surroundings.

She may think a change of scenery is just what she needs to escape...running away seems like the answer, the scenery changes, the people are new and exciting, everything feels fresh again...but it's not long before she realises, the darkness...it followed her....it came along univited and it's here to dance on her heart.

This isn't tumblr...but today these images reflect the colour of my heart....

NYC Nostalgia

September is my favourite month in the whole year. Especially in NYC, it's that time when the heat is starting to fade away, the sun is out and there is a sweet warmth in the air but not unbearable hotness...like August.

My heart is drowning in nostalgia as I sit in Starbucks, Circular Quay, sipping on my iced latte...I am dreaming of being in Starbucks NYC, near 51st and 7th....watching all the unique characters pass me by...some look like they're from another era, other another life, another world....others look just like me....or someone I know....

I remember when I was in NYC, I would often sit in Starbucks, watching people, thinking about their world, where they have come from, where they are going, what they're thinking right this minute. The scars they're carrying, the memories, the haunts of the past and the delights of their present....the love they've experienced, the loss, the heartache, the adventures, their highs and lows, they're likes and dislikes.

Everyone has a story and every story is as touching, beautiful and tormenting as the next and all so valuable. There's beauty in everyone's ashes....Right now, I want to know everyone's story. I want to sit in Starbucks sipping my iced latte, picking on my buttered banana bread, against the buzzing backdrop of NYC, and listen...just be still and listen to ...everyone's story.

Tell me your story....my mind, body and soul craves for it.

He had but one consolation, that she had loved him....and that perhaps, wherever she now was, in whatever undiscoverable place, she loved him still....Sometimes, in those unaccountable moments known to every lover, when the hearts feels a strange stirring of delight, although there is no cause for anything but grief, he reflected: It is her thoughts that are reaching me....And perhaps my thoughts are reaching her...Fancies such as these which an instant later he brushed aside, nevertheless sufficed to kindle a glow in him which was something near to hope. - Victor Hugo

Beautiful, Eerie and Familiar all at Once

This was written for you.....this blog is just divine http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/

My words couldn't do this incredible blog justice.

There's a video and a book.

 Here's an Excerpt

Dear You,

You are holding in your hands what was promised to you years ago. I’m sorry it took so long. But life, as is so often the case, is life and we forget about the promises we’ve made.

You, however, are harder to forget.

I know the world is crazy. I know love is not always the way it’s meant to be. I know sometimes, things hurt. But I also know that we’ll get through this. That our hearts will arrive on the other side, in one piece. That everything is beautiful, if we give it the chance to be.

I’ve tried to write down what I saw and what you told me and I sincerely don’t think I missed anything. Let me know if I have.

I love you. I miss you.

Me 

Runaway with me...

'There's warning signs all over him. Not tiny little flags that you can swim around, but CLEAR, BOLD, BRIGHT RED - DO NOT ENTER - DANGEROUS - CAUTION.....stuck all over him.

'What are you drinking?' he asks

'I am not drinking tonight' I respond. I look at his chiseled jaw line. His tanned olive skin, his strong sculptured body, his porcelain white teeth......
'Can I get you a soft drink then? Water?.... anything?' he asks
'No...thank you..I am good' I answer with a warm smile.
Wait...you MUST try the truffle crepes. They are to die for' He raises his sculptured arm and signals the waiter,
'Bring this young woman some truffle crepes please'
'I've already had dessert', I plead.
'BUT..you haven’t had the crepes…. just a spoonful... You don't have to eat them all, but you MUST at the very least, try them'

Before I can utter another word, the crepes are sitting before me - And a tiny part of me likes not having to struggle with my indecisiveness for once. I've been tossing up whether to order the crepes all night and decided on a hot chocolate instead, and....to be frank, it was not satisfying.

'They look divine' I say scooping up some chocolate truffle sauce with my fork
------'o-h-w-o-w!' I pause - 'They're heavenly!'
'I told you, you would enjoy them' he smirks knowingly.

Damm that confidence, that charisma....it’s empowering and addictive and comforting'

I continue to scoop up the sauce with my fork and knife, struggling to cut the crepes, it's doughy and difficult, secretly wanting to just use my fingers to eat them.....I have always had a problem being civil with a knife and fork, I butcher my food instead of gracefully cutting and eating it like a proper lady should.

'HERE' he leans forward and takes the knife and fork from my hand, 'let me do this'...he smiles and winks as he takes the knife and fork from my hands, brushing his fingers against mine, he moves the plate towards him....I breath a sign of relief. But for some strange reason, I don't feel embarrassed by my weakness, nor am I conscious about the the way I was eating… I don't feel the need to impress him, part of me, doesn't want to, for I know if I do...It could open doors..doors, I am not so sure I would have the strength to close.

'You're like a child, I'll have to cut them into tiny pieces for you before you make a mess of yourself'; he says not breaking eye contact.

'look!!! He says touching my hand and then slowly moving his hands up to the bottom of my long blonde hair strands... ....you have truffle sauce all over your fingers, hands and hair, how'd you manage to make such a mess in less than five minutes?!' he smirks

Words aren't flowing, I am losing control - I can feel it. I'm mesmerized by this man, his arrogance masked by his charisma, his danger hidden behind his friendly smile and dazzling good looks. I know I am in dangerous territory.

What is happening to me. He is not anything I would ever CONSCIOUSLY allow to mesmerize me like this…yet….I am….I watch him closely as he cuts the crepes into small edible pieces, I can't help but admire him, there's something...something all too familiar about this man...something that I could allow myself to get drawn into.... without even trying to fight back......

He holds the knife and fork so delicately yet with such precision, like he is carving a statue out of glass.... his hands are softer and more manicured than my own. So polished, so delicate, so clean... I bet they're soft......

I look down at my chipped black nail polish, my peeling cuticles. Suddenly for the first time this evening I wish I had worn make up. I curl my fingers into a ball and start chewing on the nail of my thumb, hiding away the evidence of shabby, un-moisturized hands....

'There you go, now you can enjoy them properly' he says pushing the plate of chocolate covered cooked dough before me....and carefully placing the knife and fork on the side of the plate.

The waiter is at my side again - 'Any drinks for you ma'am?' Holding his notepad and pen in hand.

'Just some water - thank you' I answer with a polite smile

'Bottled, not that tap shit' he adds as the waiter starts to walk away but swiftly turns around and nods his head in agreement.
'Can’t help yourself, can you? I say shaking my head
'What...ordering for you?' he laughs
'No, changing my order,...clearly, I actually placed the order myself' I add sharply.
'Why drink tap water when you have the option of filtered?' - he says, raising his eyebrows ‘ I hate tap water’
‘Well….just as well you’re NOT THE ONE drinking it – and because I WANT tap water, is that not a good enough reason' - I snap.

He shakes his head in defeat or surrender - it's hard to tell......he looks away and signals the waiter- I see the waiter excuse himself from the couple who are obviously in the middle of placing their order – he comes rushing over.,,,, that power -
 he exudes power...I've always had a weakness for powerful men...the type that can sell ice to eskimos, they exude charisma, charm and danger all at once. So good yet so bad.

'Give her tap water; she wants tap water’ 


'please' I add looking up at the waiter and smiling.
'Yes sir- 
ma-am' the waiter says as he scurries off.
'Oh manners, you seem to forget them' I say
'I am slightly distracted granting your wish of tap water madam'  he says with a smile
'It would be nice if every single one of my wishes got granted - just like that.
' I look at him,
'What is it that you want and can't have?' he asks 

'Nothing but everything... The complexity which is my mind never knows what it wants'

'I can tell - which is why I ordered the crepes that you didn't want and have almost finished'...he smiles - that knowing smile.

 That pull, like a rip in the ocean... it has the potential to drown you in one second...yet the you enjoy the adrenalin that comes with swimming in such strong waters...the challenge...to survive. Fuck!! I want to slap myself. I am flirting with danger, I need to stop, yet I can’t….I am captivated.

I pick at a piece of diced crepe as I ask him questions about himself.

'Psychologist? He asks

'In training....' I add

'How did you know?' I look up and am genuinely puzzled.

'Your questions are very inquisitive - yet calculated... Only someone who has a map around the mind knows to ask such questions.......You know the answers, yet you ask the questions....very....interesting......'

I know by the way he's looking at me when he speaks, the hand gestures, he knows I'm slightly intrigued, more than intrigued....my eyes speak a thousands words and right now, they have given me away...

He pulls his chair away as his phone rings, his hands slide down his thighs and my eyes follow - expressing every thought wandering loosely through my mind.
Shit! WHAT THE FUCK am I doing?! What is wrong with me?! Why am I behaving like I am under a spell. I feel like I am under a spell ---- his spell. A puppet whose strings are being pulled, I am dancing to his tune, unable to stop myself....
I take a deep breath - trying to distract myself from the thoughts that are running through my pure mind....the thoughts that really don't belong there

My mind is saying no, leave now, stop playing with fire, you know how that game ends all too well..,

Yet my feet are firmly planted on the ground. The soles of my shoes super glued to the wooden floorboards beneath me. I am mesmerized. Too mesmerized to move. I am enjoying this game.

The night continues, we laugh, we talk, we ask questions, everything so fitting, time is not of essence, everything... so comfortable, he is utter perfection, from his dazzling charm, good looks, to his incredibly defined strong body, legs and arms but..he's laced with a ticking explosive bomb.... hidden behind this pretty, dazzling fascade.

I know myself too well, I know how easily I could fit into his lifestyle. And for a split second I start day-dreaming, I go to another place, one where I would like to leave with this man and runaway to a beachside home where I will take photos and write all day long. Forgetting this external, superficial world AND living up to its expectations. I would surrender, and say - 'take over, I am done trying to organise and structure my life and figure out where I am meant to be in this world and what I am meant to be doing.....just like the crepes and the ordering and the cutting up my food, take over and do it for me...

is that weakness?

That for once I don’t want to be the man in the relationship. I don’t want to be the decision maker, the girlfriend, the brains, the bread winner and the organizer of the home. Maybe I have been strong for too long, fought too hard, independence is driving me insane, maybe surrender would be nice for a change, maybe having someone more than capable of taking care of me and more is just what I need? Someone who already has a full life of his own. Someone whose life I can slot into for once and not me have to carry them. And, at the same time someone who will stand up to me and mentally & physically challenge me, there’s nothing more exciting than a man who stands his ground, and knows what he wants and is prepared to fight for it…Yet he knows when to give in all the same. Arrogance and control, yet not dominance. And, his world.....that which is both risky and dangerous. A modern day Bonnie and Clyde.
Runaway with me.....my thoughts run wild...I am again escaping with my imagination but for once, it's not fictional ...it's real and it's standing before me and I have the choice to unravel it..to plunge in...to test the waters...to let them engulf me...to escape. 

But....is it worth it? Giving up everything I have worked so hard for. The fight for my independence only to find out I no longer want it.

I am at war with myself - once again - to stay or to go - I could stay all night – and take the risk of staying longer than one night…staying for a long time. I know how well I’d belong here…yet…..

 Against my every wish, I get up....'I must get going, it's well past 1am' I say

He nods -

He doesn't ask when and if he will see me again, he doesn't ask to call me, he just says it was a lovely night - have a good night.

And... I walk away - reluctantly - a part of me grateful for that inner wrought iron strength that does what it knows it should, not what it wants, another part of me wanting to have given into desire - for once - wanting to have disconnected from reality for a short while, the two sides of me once again conflicting.

He was right about one thing - I sure as hell don't know what I want...

He is heaven and he is hell –

He is the morning sun and the dark knight

He is peace and he is fire all rolled into one

he is definitely not what I need

Yet he's everything I desire.

The end.

And I start to play out in my mind what life would be like with him - it would so so far from functional and maybe that's what has drawn me to him. ...Maybe functional scares me. Deep down functional is what I want but maybe somewhere I have started believing that I can't do functional so I don't even try... Maybe I try too hard and fail and just retreat to what I once knew. Maybe I don't want a future with him - maybe I just want to fill a void.

Time doesn't wait..

'It's never too late for true love', he whispers  

'It never just goes away,' It's always there, it just needs to be awakened, again..'  

'And, and, what we had, it was real....' 'It can be a-g-a-i-n...' 

Sometimes it is too late...
Sometimes you sit and you wait and you hope that, that special person will realize what you had was special and rare and out of this world, and come back, but then as time passes, so does your hope of ever getting back together again and suddenly, one day, there's nothing there - not even a tiny scar to remind you that there was once a big well, filled to the brim with crazy, passionate, love. 

Slowly that huge hole in your heart starts to close, day by day, hour by hour, second by second it gets smaller and smaller - you miss them less, your days get fuller, you become your own bestfriend, you learn how to walk alone again 

it's over 

it's like it never was there to begin with. I can't try and find what we had - I've spent two years forgetting, growing and weeping and recovering. I've convinced myself that there's more than this and.... today, now... after seeing you, I actually believe there's more out there for me. And you, you were just someone that accompanied me on the journey for a short while, and then the train came to a stop and you could have stayed on, I asked you to, you had a CHOICE, but you chose to get off - it was your choice! That train doesn't wait - it keeps moving and I've moved with it. I travelled too far to come back to the second stop, so I'll continue on my journey. 

Thank you for the experience my sweet once upon a time lover.

Notes on Life

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

• If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
• Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

• Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

• Do one thing everyday that scares you

• Sing

• Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

• Floss

• Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

• Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

• Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

• Stretch, Go to Yoga and walk outdoors a few times a week,

• Stop to enjoy the sunshine

• Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

• Get plenty of calcium.

• Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

• Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

• Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

• Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

• Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

• Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

• Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

• Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

• Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

• Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

• Travel

• Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

• Respect your elders.

• Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

• Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

• Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…"

• -Baz Luhrman

Sweet Love - Reunited

I hadn't seen him, no, not since that day. Nor him, nor my heart.

Stop!!!! I shouted, running down the narrow hallway of my home, the sound of my own heels on the wooden floorboards echoing throughout the home, as I ran towards the man I loved. Not knowing whether those words would in fact actually stop him.

I reached him, I gently wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, kissing him gently. Pulling away, yet refusing to unravel my fingers from around his neck, not wanting to let go, not now, not...ever. Gazing into his beautiful eyes. Those eyes that always managed to capture me, now finally firmly fixed on me. Again.

Silence.

I pull away, I know I must refrain. But something within me cannot.

wait.... I say. Pulling him in close once again, my lips pressing against his for one final time. As I close my eyes and inhale this moment.

Now

I pull away - for good this time. My eyes no longer looking into his but now that big white door, positioned right behind him, waiting for his entrance or should we say exit.

leave. go. please. just go.

The door slams shut and he is gone. It is like he never has been here. The deep burning sensation inside my heart knows better.

I turn around to walk back to my bedroom, my knees weak, weak with the uncertainty and the unknown. Instead I slide down against that door, that same white door that has just closed behind him. My knees pulled in close to my chest, my arms clasped together, in the prayer position,  my fingers intertwined into each other, my head collapses on them. My brain foggy.

Part of me knew that would be the last I would see of him, another tiny part, thought maybe, just maybe, one day just like in the movies you will come back. Maybe you will drunk dial me, maybe you will throw rocks at my window, begging me for a place to sleep. Maybe you will remember this / us and want it again and maybe you will be brave enough to come after me.

BUT...20 months passed and I didn't hear a word. Nothing.Silence. I had dismissed you from my mind. I didnt even know you existed on this earth anymore. I was done.sort.of. In the forefront of my mind at least.

We (whatever 'we' meant) was done. Done before it had even begun really.

And then it happened.

Silence

Our bodies stand still, our eyes are the only things moving, flickering.

Silence

He waits, patiently, coffee in hand, oblivous to anyone else around, anyone but this woman he is gazing at, eyes burning right at her, her, now walking towards him, sure of her presence, sure of her
Just like a groom...
except
he is not my bridegroom and I am not his bride, this is not an aisle,it is a public coffee shop
He is someone I once knew and
Me, well..... I am someone he wants to forget
But we come face to face, we stand still
our eyes remain locked, fixed on one another.

Silence

I know something in that moment,
I know everything i had ever thought, felt and written about him, about us, about this
It had not been imagined. It was real, it still....is.
The past hits me like a flash of lightening, jolting right through me, awakening every part of me,
Every pore, every bone, every vein, filled with indescribable light,
from the tips of my head to the soles of my feet, I am alive
We stand facing one another
As I gaze into his eyes, I find myself drifting, falling into a dreamlike state of mind, knowing so much time has passed, i have grown,
he has grown, he has moved on, but between us....here, now, two years later,
the same light still remains.and probably always will.
safely packaged away for no one to touch.
not even him,
not even I.

Photo Credit: Unknown

A Vision, A Dream

I was sitting on the train this evening when a song started playing through my headphones. The lyrics took me back to a happier time in my life. A time in my life, when I was sailing smoothly towards the shore that held my dream, the sun was out, the sky was blue, it was perfect indeed. And, most importantly, I was happy, very happy. As I listened to the lyrics over and over again, I was transported back there, and ...I was once again filled with joy.

I realised something in that moment, I have been very unhappy of late, and this is because…

I had forgotten about my dream.

Actually all of my dreams.

Why?

One too many failures and you want to give up. You think, if it hasn't happened now, it won't ever happen, it's too late, I'm too old, I'm not good enough.

I have put myself out there and hit the ground flat faced, not once, but many times.

Why not give up?

Around me, people are living their dreams and I think 'God, maybe this dream, this isn't for me, maybe I am not meant to be there, because if I was, I would surely be there by now. Surely if it was meant to happen it would have happened by now. People half my age are at the peak of their career, they have the perfect home, car, family. And here I am, striving and crying after yet another failure.

Asking why not me?

This was me. Today.and, everyday for the past two years.

Until that song took me back and reminded me WHY I must keep fighting, and why it makes me so happy to be in that dream place,

It reminded me that despite the failures I must push on. Because, because that dream, that place, it’s my happy place and it’s where I LONG to be.

As I sit here now, I am writing this to remind myself each day to look at that dream and pray over it and, keep working harder and harder towards it. Nothing happens over night and most importantly, it doesn’t happen without hard work.

I am going to daily proclaim if over my life. See myself living it. I am NOT going to stop dreaming.

If something brings us great joy, whatever that is, be it relationships, job, whatever, it is that your beautiful heart desires, it desires it for reason. And, you should have it. If you want it bad enough, you will keep fighting for it. And, if you don't give up, you will see it come to pass. Trust me, you will.

And, if it's a heart desire, God too has placed that there, and he wants you to have it at, just the right time and, you may feel like that is now, but remember timing is everything and sometimes we have no idea how much we are growing and equipping ourselves RIGHT NOW, in this season for what’s to come.

what's important is to be happy in journey, because there will never be another time like this. You will never be this young again, you will never have this day, this year, this moment back again. So enjoy the now, all whilst....holding that dream each day, keeping it alive, imagine it, see it coming to life, because without a dream and hope in our heart we are as good as dead. We cant give up on it just because it hasnt happpened yet or we have failed time and time and time again, how many times did Abraham Lincoln fail?

What about Walt Disney?

Barrack Obama was told to stick to lecturing...

Imagine it ..go after it..and do this

until the day comes when you will see that dream come out of your imagination and spring to life.

It's possible. I've seen the impossible become possible many times in my own life, and if these things have happened in my past and to me, they can happen to you too. I was a hopeless cause.

And, they IF I have come where I am today,  you can too. And, I need not stop here.

Keep that dream alive. Don't lose heart.

Here's what I think:

You've been through hell, you've cried your eyes out night, after night

If you've accomplished and survived all this, you can accomplish and survive anything.

Especially with gods army

Nothing will be impossible

No mountain to high

No river too deep

You will survive and in Abundance

and most importantly - why not you? You want it don't you? You're prepared to work for it? Go for it. DREAM BIG!

DON'T STOP! PLEASE DON'T STOP DREAMING!

FEAR

Can you swim in shark infested waters and not fear of being bitten/attacked

 .... if you live in fear it will paralyze you NOT to do anything - you always need to be cautious but you need to experience life with all the dangers that lurk .... that is part of the journey - the other option is living indoors looking out the window and watching others living and dying.

Bitter Sweet Memories

I haven't dreamt of you in.... Forever.

Why now?  I had forgotten - happily forgotten - what it felt like to crave something, miss it, want it, need it. I learnt how to be OK. How to live without you. Without love. Without ...that feeling.

I mean i never really had you. And maybe it's not you I crave. Maybe ... Its that time in my life. The innocence. The naivety. The newness of that chapter. The love itself.

And I was doing just fine. Fine until you showed up in my dream last night and reminded me how I had felt all those years ago. And how far away i am from those feelings today. and, that once again, I had forgotten what 'magic' felt like.

And it's not that bad. Hell I know for sure it's been 1billion times worse but what brings tears to my eyes is that I also know its been 1thousand times better. And the better is what I want. And I want it now.

I don't want to wait. To fight. To struggle. I want it now.

How is it even possible to wake up from a dream as still feel everything as if it were real ?

The butterflies, the head spins, the warmth in your belly, the dazed feelings, the joy.

To be stirred up, full of love... Again. Sober but drunk. Drunk on love when you haven't even had a sip.

I know I will fall again, and maybe, just maybe this time it will be better than that time.

Even more magical and breath-taking.

I know for sure, it will be different and here's why:

I'll never be that broken again

I'll never be that child in need of rescuingI'll never be that girl that doesn't believe in magic - I'll be instead expecting it now, head spins, butterflies, ecstasy - the lot.

And most importantly I'll never be that girl that had never loved......

I'll never be that girl that doesn't know what she's missing: because now I've had love, it's hard not to know what you're missing.

And FYI

I fucking miss you! And how happy I felt with you around. Like anything was possible. And, for a short time there it was.

I can only hope I feel like that someday again, and someday soon.

xoxox

All the way from me to you.

S.

For My BestFriend

It feels like yesterday when you would ride your push bike to my house;
Suzi, Suzi – you would call out my name, and we could go out to play;

It was 12 years ago,

It feels like two days ago when we would get dressed up at your house and sip wine in your living room, laughing at the catastrophes that took place the night before; preparing for the new night ahead, more fun, more parties, more stories..

It was almost 11 years ago

It feels like a week ago when we would dance till sun up, party like there was no room for tomorrow, had no worries in the world, we were young, full of life and thought we would live forever, forever young – it was the song I dedicated to you on your 21st birthday, as the DJ hit play I RAN across the club lifted you in my arms and spun you around – ‘I love you so much I screamed, you’re the best friend any girl could ever ask for, thank you for coming into my life!!’ the music echoing through the speakers, caught up in the moment, forgetting that I had just lifted your denim mini as high as I had just lifted you, exposing more than the eye cares to see to the patrons of the club, the same club we frequented week after week, but we didn’t care, we had each other, the music and we were loving life.

That was 8 years ago

Those were the days when tomorrow was a lifetime away and all we cared about was today.
It was seems like yesterday when I watched you marry the love of your life, it felt like I had blinked and you had gone from this young teenager running around in her ripped blockout jeans, with a scotch and bourbon in her hand, to today, holding the arm of a man who was to become her husband. You were about to be a wife. I bawled and bawled. My best friend was no longer the young girl on her bike with a drink in her hand, she was now a woman, about to be someone’s wife.

Part of me cried for selfish reasons, for the fact that I could no longer just drop into your living room whenever I felt like it, I could no longer share every night of the week with you tucked into your lounge with you and a hot tea, sometimes a wine, watching the notebook over and over again ‘Suzi, you’ll love this movie, trust me, you will cry, you're such a romantic, I know you'll cry’ you’d say. And cry I did. We would lay there, planning our future, who we would marry, how many kids we would have, where we would live, reminiscing the party yesterday, planning the one tomorrow.

Today, this girl was about to grow up. She was about to become some-one’s wife. No longer a girl, now a woman. I was going to miss the young you but I was over excited to see what the future had for you. And I knew, no matter how different our lives would be from this moment on, we would ALWAYS be by each others side. We would never change. Our friendship, more like blood, alongside each other for the rest of our lives.

I couldn’t think of a person who deserved the goodness of the world more than you. You are one of the funniest, sensitive, caring, loving, warm hearted and delightful souls in the world. And if anyone deserves happiness - it is you. I mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

I will never forget the way you held my hand when I couldn’t even feel it, when I cried tears of pain, year after year, everytime I looked around you were there standing right beside me. Even when everyone else had left. You never did. Even if it meant risking everything to be my friend. You did. You held me in your arms and told me you would never let me go through anything alone - and you never did. You were my strength when I had lost the desire to live. You guided me through the darkness when I couldn’t see the day of light. You even replaced all my make up when it had been stolen. ‘Don’t cry babe, I’ll get you some new make up, and nicer make up, that monkey can keep it' my tears turned to laughter. You always knew exactly what to say.

You wiped my tears and made me laugh on the long drives home, your words made me laugh so much. I forgot about the tears and the pain. Till this day you still manage to do that.
You laughed and rejoiced with me when I came back to life. You were there with arms wide open letting me back in your life, when I didn’t even deserve a place in it, but you did. You opened your arms and loved me like I had never been away. That..I will never forget.

And today you shared with me the news, and part of me already knew, I could feel it, I was waiting for you to tell me, and today you did;

You’re going to be a mother

It feels like yesterday I made that beautiful speech at your wedding and now my childhood friend is about to grow up and become a mother. I couldn’t think of a more caring, nurturing, warm hearted and strong woman to be this childs mother. You are going to uplift, encourage and uphold this child so much and fill it with overflowing love. It is going to be the abundantly blessed by you. And you my precious friend - You deserve everything your beautiful heart has ever desired and or dreamed of and more. So much more.

Thank you for being my friend, I can’t believe how fast time flies and how things change, people change, our lives change but thank you for forever staying the same. For forever having the open heart and for always being here for me. Sev, I would not have made some of my hardest days if you hadn’t held my hand through it all. Or had some of the most fun and memorable nights on this earth had you not been there by my side to share it with me.
I love you dearly and I can’t wait to meet this beautiful child you have living inside of you. Already I can see the glow, I can see the deep care and love you have for it. It has a strong mother and an amazing father. It’s going to be extremely blessed to have your love lavished upon it, for it is rare to find a love and heart like yours (and of course Charlie’s).
I love you forever!
S. xxxxxxxxoooooxxxxx