life, or something like it

My heart is saying no, I can't handle another cut,
My mind and body are screaming yes...
The inner turmoil is ruining me, I want to stay, yet I want to run
Deep down, I know I should run, as fast as I can, out of here,
Everything I don't need is staring right at me,
Yet, it's everything I have ever wanted,
It's healing and wounding all wrapped up in one

Should I choose to stay, I will surrender everything I have worked so hard to achieve,
But in return I will gain everything I have ever desired,..a counterfeit version of it
A part of me wants to give up, give in, be sucked into this dangerous world again, a world where I can just be me, where I don't have to worry about my past, or my present or even my future
Where everyday is an adrenalin ride..and nothing matters
because in his world, nothing is real
maybe that's what i need, a world where I KNOW nothing is real as opposed to one where i am constantly trying to prove how REAL everything is
and constantly being proven wrong by those around me

Yet another part of me, is saying, you're almost at the end, keep going, you can't come back here
You're too independent, too strong, you've come too far, you've fought to hard, to just give up and go back there,
This isn't the future God had planned for you
But isn't it?
Why am I so tempted by it?
My insides are in turmoil
What if? That what if question plagues me again and suddenly, i am 15 again
I am faced with the same decision i was then, then I chose to stay and it almost ruined me
But it's safe and familiar and almost like home
This here, holds so much more power than the past, there's more to lose,
but so much more to gain...
This time, Will I stay or will I go..
i get up and walk to the door, God, please help me - I whisper -  I don't have the strength to resist
The blood rushes through my body, I want to slap myself, why am i even contemplating this....this dungeon of hell
suddenly I feel like a hypocrite, Everything i have ever sworn I'd never do again...I am contemplating doing just that.....
I hold out my hand, i see the key, I close my hand and hold it close to my chest,
my destiny.....