Thursday 24 May 2012

FEAR

Can you swim in shark infested waters and not fear of being bitten/attacked

 .... if you live in fear it will paralyze you NOT to do anything - you always need to be cautious but you need to experience life with all the dangers that lurk .... that is part of the journey - the other option is living indoors looking out the window and watching others living and dying.

Wednesday 16 May 2012

Bitter Sweet Memories



I haven't dreamt of you in.... Forever.

Why now?  I had forgotten - happily forgotten - what it felt like to crave something, miss it, want it, need it. I learnt how to be OK. How to live without you. Without love. Without ...that feeling.

I mean i never really had you. And maybe it's not you I crave. Maybe ... Its that time in my life. The innocence. The naivety. The newness of that chapter. The love itself.

And I was doing just fine. Fine until you showed up in my dream last night and reminded me how I had felt all those years ago. And how far away i am from those feelings today. and, that once again, I had forgotten what 'magic' felt like.
And it's not that bad. Hell I know for sure it's been 1billion times worse but what brings tears to my eyes is that I also know its been 1thousand times better. And the better is what I want. And I want it now.
I don't want to wait. To fight. To struggle. I want it now.

How is it even possible to wake up from a dream as still feel everything as if it were real ?
The butterflies, the head spins, the warmth in your belly, the dazed feelings, the joy.
To be stirred up, full of love... Again. Sober but drunk. Drunk on love when you haven't even had a sip.

I know I will fall again, and maybe, just maybe this time it will be better than that time.
Even more magical and breath-taking.

I know for sure, it will be different and here's why:
I'll never be that broken again
I'll never be that child in need of rescuingI'll never be that girl that doesn't believe in magic - I'll be instead expecting it now, head spins, butterflies, ecstasy - the lot.
And most importantly I'll never be that girl that had never loved......
I'll never be that girl that doesn't know what she's missing: because now I've had love, it's hard not to know what you're missing.
And FYI
I fucking miss you! And how happy I felt with you around. Like anything was possible. And, for a short time there it was.
I can only hope I feel like that someday again, and someday soon.
xoxox
All the way from me to you.
S.

Monday 14 May 2012

For My BestFriend


It feels like yesterday when you would ride your push bike to my house;
Suzi, Suzi – you would call out my name, and we could go out to play;

It was 12 years ago,

It feels like two days ago when we would get dressed up at your house and sip wine in your living room, laughing at the catastrophes that took place the night before; preparing for the new night ahead, more fun, more parties, more stories..

It was almost 11 years ago

It feels like a week ago when we would dance till sun up, party like there was no room for tomorrow, had no worries in the world, we were young, full of life and thought we would live forever, forever young – it was the song I dedicated to you on your 21st birthday, as the DJ hit play I RAN across the club lifted you in my arms and spun you around – ‘I love you so much I screamed, you’re the best friend any girl could ever ask for, thank you for coming into my life!!’ the music echoing through the speakers, caught up in the moment, forgetting that I had just lifted your denim mini as high as I had just lifted you, exposing more than the eye cares to see to the patrons of the club, the same club we frequented week after week, but we didn’t care, we had each other, the music and we were loving life.

That was 8 years ago

Those were the days when tomorrow was a lifetime away and all we cared about was today.
It was seems like yesterday when I watched you marry the love of your life, it felt like I had blinked and you had gone from this young teenager running around in her ripped blockout jeans, with a scotch and bourbon in her hand, to today, holding the arm of a man who was to become her husband. You were about to be a wife. I bawled and bawled. My best friend was no longer the young girl on her bike with a drink in her hand, she was now a woman, about to be someone’s wife.

Part of me cried for selfish reasons, for the fact that I could no longer just drop into your living room whenever I felt like it, I could no longer share every night of the week with you tucked into your lounge with you and a hot tea, sometimes a wine, watching the notebook over and over again ‘Suzi, you’ll love this movie, trust me, you will cry, you're such a romantic, I know you'll cry’ you’d say. And cry I did. We would lay there, planning our future, who we would marry, how many kids we would have, where we would live, reminiscing the party yesterday, planning the one tomorrow.

Today, this girl was about to grow up. She was about to become some-one’s wife. No longer a girl, now a woman. I was going to miss the young you but I was over excited to see what the future had for you. And I knew, no matter how different our lives would be from this moment on, we would ALWAYS be by each others side. We would never change. Our friendship, more like blood, alongside each other for the rest of our lives.

I couldn’t think of a person who deserved the goodness of the world more than you. You are one of the funniest, sensitive, caring, loving, warm hearted and delightful souls in the world. And if anyone deserves happiness - it is you. I mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

I will never forget the way you held my hand when I couldn’t even feel it, when I cried tears of pain, year after year, everytime I looked around you were there standing right beside me. Even when everyone else had left. You never did. Even if it meant risking everything to be my friend. You did. You held me in your arms and told me you would never let me go through anything alone - and you never did. You were my strength when I had lost the desire to live. You guided me through the darkness when I couldn’t see the day of light. You even replaced all my make up when it had been stolen. ‘Don’t cry babe, I’ll get you some new make up, and nicer make up, that monkey can keep it' my tears turned to laughter. You always knew exactly what to say.

You wiped my tears and made me laugh on the long drives home, your words made me laugh so much. I forgot about the tears and the pain. Till this day you still manage to do that.
You laughed and rejoiced with me when I came back to life. You were there with arms wide open letting me back in your life, when I didn’t even deserve a place in it, but you did. You opened your arms and loved me like I had never been away. That..I will never forget.

And today you shared with me the news, and part of me already knew, I could feel it, I was waiting for you to tell me, and today you did;

You’re going to be a mother

It feels like yesterday I made that beautiful speech at your wedding and now my childhood friend is about to grow up and become a mother. I couldn’t think of a more caring, nurturing, warm hearted and strong woman to be this childs mother. You are going to uplift, encourage and uphold this child so much and fill it with overflowing love. It is going to be the abundantly blessed by you. And you my precious friend - You deserve everything your beautiful heart has ever desired and or dreamed of and more. So much more.

Thank you for being my friend, I can’t believe how fast time flies and how things change, people change, our lives change but thank you for forever staying the same. For forever having the open heart and for always being here for me. Sev, I would not have made some of my hardest days if you hadn’t held my hand through it all. Or had some of the most fun and memorable nights on this earth had you not been there by my side to share it with me.
I love you dearly and I can’t wait to meet this beautiful child you have living inside of you. Already I can see the glow, I can see the deep care and love you have for it. It has a strong mother and an amazing father. It’s going to be extremely blessed to have your love lavished upon it, for it is rare to find a love and heart like yours (and of course Charlie’s).
I love you forever!
S. xxxxxxxxoooooxxxxx

Tuesday 1 May 2012


I'm now driving back home. I can't stay down there after dark. Especially not on a weekday, it's impossible to avoid the blackness that immediately comes over me. The sky turns black, the air has a chill to it, there's an eerie silence that fills my ears, seeping into my brain as I plunge dark into a hole. I keep free falling, unable to see the bottom. I feel like I'm gasping for air and no matter how fast or slow I breathe, the oxygen is evading me. I'm gasping not only for air, but for sight, for feeling, for anything to remind me that I'm OK. I've grown up, things have changed. But ... nothing i say ...helps. Present words can't change the past feelings. 

Both hands tightly clasped around the steering wheel, eyes fixed straight ahead, straight into the empty wide freeway. There's no street lights on this wide freeway, it's dark and it feels cold. Cold and empty. Fleetwood Mac is playing through the car speakers, Stevie Nicks' voice singing 'turn around, see me running, And can you tell me...was it worth it? Baby i don't wanna know' And, suddenly I think of my destination;  the empty home I'm going back to. How there's no one waiting with open arms to greet me, I don't know my neighbours and my best friends have all moved. Most of them married and living in other countries, states and even suburbs.

And then I think of you, of us, of all of us ...as teenagers,young adults, then adults. The tight unbreakable bond we all shared. I remember us running around in the wooden huts by the local beach. Sitting on the rocks perched above the water; the waves breaking off the rocks beneath us and the salt hitting our faces. The coldness in the air; so refreshing. We would talk and  laugh on those rocks until all hours of the morning, listening to the waves crashing, not a care in the world. Car surfing as dangerous as it was, we weren't threatened by it. We were young kids, living our lives. Carefree and fun. Full of love, life and happiness. Freedom reigned.When did it all change? When did we all grow so far apart? Am I to blame? Are they to blame? Is anyone to blame?

Each time i come back to visit,  I feel like a zombie. stone.cold. I walk past people from the past and i pretend I don't see them. I don't want to remember any of them and even more importantly I want them all to forget me. But today, as I drove past your parents home i wasn't prepared to see you there. You were standing out the front, fiddling with your phone. It was like I was looking at a fragment from the past, and in some ways, I was. And, there's something I want you to know; I wanted to stop. To pull over on the side of the road, tear up the handbrake and run over and give you a huge hug. Tell you how amazing you are. Just like i would have done all those years ago. Just like I had done for the past 15 years. I play the scenario out in my head; 

But I don't stop. Instead i continue driving, straight onto the freeway, leading me home. This new home, this new life.

As I continue driving, I feel like my heart has just been torn open. It breaks into tiny pieces, tears start to form. Why didn't I stop? But we both know the answer to that question, and we both know it's best left unanswered. I can't do that to you, not again, not after....everything. The risk... is just too high. And, I like the silence. I can't risk it. Not here.not now. not at your house.

I remember the one thing you said to J when you bumped into her. Your words still tear at my soul. I am not too sure anyone will ever care quite like the way you did, our friendship as platonic as it always was, was solid and strong. You were always there for me, especially when the world i had once known, turned their back on me. Their back on me to support 'him'. 

J said there was a genuineness in your voice, she said,she could tell by the look in your eyes, that you really cared. You asked.

'There's something i need to know, I need to how about S. One thing i don't know and the one thing I actually care about more than anything....

''IS SHE HAPPY?' 

That beautiful soul, she deserves happiness more than anyone i know, and i need to know that wherever she's gone, whoever she is with, I need to know that finally ...finally...she has found happiness.  

And, I want you to know, I am happy, it's a daily journey and I am slowing finding my feet, but with them, I am also reuniting with that happiness i once knew, so long ago.But, more than anything i wish I could have stopped today and told you myself. I wish i could have looked you in the eyes and told you .... everything. Because i know no one else would understand quite like you would.......... 


And, I have a new life, but I wonder, will there will always be a void in my heart? a black spot where history lays. That void, that the present can't fill, no matter how great, even better it is. That understanding we shared, i didn't have to explain to you, you knew, you saw, you felt ...it all. And no matter how hard they try to understand, they can't, because they weren't there. And we should never think we understand something we have never experienced. Memories are so precious, Nothing can replace them. People too, no one can replace them either. Everyone is carved so uniquely and the moments we share together as people, they can't be replicated.Once a moment is gone, its gone and we are left with only a memory of that moment. If we let that fade, we wither away to nothing. And a part of me already feels like i have withered away to almost nothing. Almost. 
I've let too many memories fade