Thursday 28 July 2011

My Bestfriend Luke






Lukas,

This is my dear friend Lukas. I have convinced him that if i ever want to skip the country again that he has to pose as my fake boyfriend so that i may fool my parents and friends into letting me leave the country with a 'boyfriend' and they have nothing to worry about. Lets be real, after my stint in NYC, no one is prepared to let me travel alone AGAIN!!
Anyway, enough SUZI time but now it's Luke time.

He is consistent, he listens, he opens doors for me, actually we can fool people into looking like we are a couple, he makes me laugh and he is an absolute doll. His dry sense of humour cheers me up every time and he always tell me what I don't necessarily want to hear - (especially if it concerns men).  Actually probably the only male in my world. Males as we all know don't frequent my world. It's refreshing to have male perspective every now and then.

'You're too abrasive Suzi' He says. Just be nice.
I don't know how to Luke - I whinge.
Watch and learn - he says
I am yet to learn dear. But I know one thing I love and adore you to shreds.x
Thank you for for being there for me the past years, it's been a journey - that's for sure. :)

Thursday 21 July 2011

Thank You and Goodbye


A year has passed and memories still remain - I needed to write a post about you. You were such an important part of my life and in some ways, you still are.

But each time I go to write, I write 5 blog posts worth because I cannot condense our friendship into one. So I will try and break it down, but it somehow seems impossible to put into one.And perhaps it won't have a natural flow, because I am trying to deliberately be brief, but I think you earned this space. Bask in the glory - you deserve it. No pun intended. YOU were special.

I noticed last night I had a problem. Even though we joked about my 'addictions' I still recall you brushing the hair off my face and saying 'Suzi, this is not good, you need to do something about this' What are you going to do?  Spend the rest of your life at the doctors surgery?' I knew you weren't the 'caring / sensitive' type but you knew I had a problem and I didn't even have to tell you. 'PROMISE me you will get better' you said. Suzi, I am serious about this. Promise me. You can't your live your life like this'.
'I can't do that. I can't. But I will try.' I said.

Maybe the reason for the addiction was that I was running from something, maybe it was that I was trying to suppress all these feeling that I had for a man for the first time in ten years, maybe I was trying to run from the very thing that I wanted the most and I didn't know how to stop the emotions. Maybe I just wanted everything to stop. Maybe I had let go and these things were helping control me.

You would say that you were an insensitive soul, but beneath the facade, I could see how deeply sensitive you really were, and despite what you said about yourself, I knew deep down there was a beautiful soul, bursting at the seams, but had been afflicted, and that made me like you more than anyone I had ever met before.

You came into my life at a time I had given up hope. Love had laid dormant in me, I had isolated myself from the world I had once known, people I once loved were gone, I was alone, and about to give in, give up ...and as for men....well...I didn't even know men existed. I didn't want a bar of it.

But....you, you seen something in me, I had not seen in myself and you were determined to bring it out and let it shine. And I guess that is the reason, why I am writing my post, to remind myself that the very person I was in love with for so long, loved me back and they loved me back for being me. 

Thank YOU & Goodbye
Thank YOU & Goodbye

You stood on the other side of the wall, you kept knocking, I wouldn't break, but deep down, something was shifting, something was breaking, you didn't give up when I was awkward, you didn’t give in when you put your arm around me and said, 'men aren't that bad Suzi' - I pulled away shyly, looking at those beautiful eyes of yours and thinking the last time a man put his arm around me was....more than a decade ago and that is too painful to think about. You're standing too close. Go away. Your in my space. move back, you’re making me flustered. But that didn't stop you. I would take ten steps back and you would always take eleven forward, insisting, pursuing, knocking. something no one else had bothered to do before. But never going too far, always so delicate, always so careful, never overstepping your boundaries.

I would stop talking to you, because deep down I knew I was falling, but you didn't give up, you would stand in my way, and ask me questions you knew I didn't feel like answering, but instinctively you knew they would put a smile on my face. You would run over to me like an excited little child and say 'guess what i found out?" Want me to tell you a funny story - I bet I can make you smile Suzi...'
Make me smile, indeed you did. The thought of you still does. Although now with a minor sting and a drop of a tear.

Everything about us was fun. We were fun. We could be anywhere and have the time of our lives. Walking down the street suddenly was the most enjoyable exercise ever! People would look and ask how long we had been dating? You would pause, I would laugh and say, really? Dating? No we're just friends... and smile at you - like i knew something and so did you.

Together we were a laughing pair of idiots. You never told me to settle down, or stop being loud. You never walked away with embarassment when I tripped over or spilt something. You just shook your head and laughed. Oh  Suzi!!
I liked the way you cared, you cared and understood my struggles even though someone like you had never had to struggle in such a way, you always understood and never judged. You could see the pain behind the smile. You knew I had been hurt - even though I never told you. I never had to. Somehow you always instinctively knew.

You could tell I was hiding away my deep desire to love and be loved with a solid facade that no man could break. That was until you....you came in and knocked down every wall, every cell, every emotion alive again.  I didn't realise it at the time, but I was quietly examining your every move, waiting for you do to something wrong, something to quietly reassure me that I was right about men, and I had been all along, but no, you proved me wrong. Something again, no one has been able to do before.

You made me want to care about someone more than myself for the first time. You made me want to like love. It felt so real. I wanted to give you everything, and I wish I could have......But we both know that wasn't possible. I never had to think with you, I could just be myself, I wasn't even thinking of you as a potential love interest -  I mean I hated men, I didn't want them anywhere near me and you weren't going to be an exception, I had numbed that part of my soul years ago and heck you so weren't my type, all preppy and perfect and polished, so far from anyone I would ever be attracted to, but....after a whole year .......

I thought you were the most impeccable creature I had every laid eyes on.....

We came from completely different worlds but together we had everything in common. You understood, you didn't tell me to get over it, you just said, please be free, smile.You would say, 

'You're so strange, you know that right? but I absolutely love that about you. You're like NO ONE I have ever met before, and no day is the same with you. Don't ever change for anyone. Because what you have is so precious. If they don't like it, they didn't deserve it in the first place'

Thank you - thank you - thank you -  for your words, I will try and remember them on days like today when I feel like I have failed. When I feel like I have said too much or not enough. When I feel like I could have done things differently. When I want to suppress my personality and 'act normal' or settle down and just chill.

Everything hit home when I realised

........ I loved him. I didn't want to admit it to myself, because admitting it meant defeat, it meant I had failed to protect my heart and myself from man, one heartache in life left no room for more. So I continued held held down, pretending that I didn't feel a thing, until

I could no longer sleep because my heart was beating so fast,
I could no longer walk past him, my feet were walking towards him, one foot in front of another, before I could do anything to stop them, they had reached him.
My mouth opened, words came out, before my brain had a chance to stop them,
before it had a chance to say - Don't do it!!!!!
You're going to get hurt again,
Can you honestly go through all that pain again.

BUT I DID,
I Opened up.
I told you.
I took a chance
I let go
I walked in

We sat, we shared a wine, we shared a smoke, we shared a kiss, we laughed and we both treasured how rare that moment was and now I will always treasure that little piece of my heart I gave you....I have it back now, its no longer yours, but I wont forget those words you imparted in me nor the time we spent together over that past year. 

I only wish I had the sort of courage again, I only wish I could walk that way again, the next time someone knocked on my door, I wish I would open it and let them in - make them a warm tea. but instead I sit by that door, hear it, want to open it, but I just can't bring myself to it, to be honest, I don't even know where the key is. I will search until I find it again, or maybe wait for someone to smash that door down, - just like you did. never giving up on me.

Thank you for taking a chance on me.  and showing me how to love, How to love myself AND most importantly others again... you left, my love for you left, but my love for ME remains. so quietly I whisper

Thank You - and Goodbye. The Words you left behind I will keep with me forever.

Wednesday 20 July 2011

A Silent Language

As I arrived at the train station this morning I noticed an adorable couple engaging in some mild PDA. I instantly took two steps back in some astonishment as the male and female looked like a couple i once knew but would rather forget. I was rather startled. I took a few deep breaths and drifted off watching this couple thinking, oh how adorable, one day.........

As I continued to stare, I felt a presence near me, I turned around to see it was a girl about my age, she too was watching this couple engaging in a romantic display of love and affection for one another. Completely oblivious to the other communters and the world around them, completely oblivious to our stares. Captivated by each other, in their own land, their own universe, their own moment. Even though they were on a train platform with many other people, they were alone - just the two of them.

As I looked over at her, she caught my stare, and turned around to face me. As she did, I noticed her eyes were filled with pain and teary, her face filled with an emotion I could read all too well. I think she could see the same in me. In that moment we both exchanged a faint smile and with our pain filled eyes silently said.

I understand - You're not alone - I feel your pain.

I don't know whether she has been single forever, mourns the loss of a lover or has just had her heart trampled and seeing that couple reminded her of another time and another place, a kiss she had once shared on the platform of a train station, a world today so foreign. Whether it brought back memories of what once was and now no longer is. Whether it made her miss that person she had once kissed and embraced intimately or whether she had spent her whole life like Cinderella waiting someone to share this journey with....someone to love. Seeing this couple made her teary. But whatever her reason, in that moment she knew she wasn't alone with these feelings and somehow there was a mutual understanding between us. An unspoken language. A comfort. Not even a word was spoken but we both knew that we could relate and we weren't alone in this big world struggling with the very thing we were created for ....LOVE.

In a fraction of a second we both understood everything and everything was clear and unwritten, somehow for the both of us there was comfort in the knowledge that someone else knew how you felt.
A silent language - sometimes we don't need to speak. We don't need to tell someone it will get better - becasue we don't know that it will. We don't need to tell them to get over it and move on. Chin up love, it's all ok. Becuase its not fucking ok and it's ok not to be ok.

Sometimes life plain and simply sux. Isn't there a scripture in the bible about job's friends, shouldn't have they just sat there with him and remained silent. We can all learn from this. SILENCE. UNDERSTANDING.
Sometimes we just need to relate to the human species and tell them they are not alone. To say you know what - we understand. I feel it too. You are not alone in this big world. That in itslef can bring a greater comfort than any word ever could.

In future, let's just be silent, hold that person in your arms and try to understand them for a moment. Try very hard to think about the road they have travelled on and just try to empathise with them. We can never know what it's like to walk in someone elses shoes or live in their bound mind, but the least we can do is try.
And the worst we can do is try and brush it off, and tell them to get up and get out. People aren't looking for advice, or words. They are looking for love and acceptance and understanding. Let's try be that for someone shall we.

There will come a time when healing will come and they will be ok. But until then...can we just try and understand and be still.

Understanding THE silent language.
One we should all learn.

Tuesday 19 July 2011


I sat at my local cafe this morning, pushing the food around on my plate, unable to eat. Unable to move. Unable to think beyond the cloud of darkness that had descended upon my world - yet again.
I had been doing this for the past thirty minutes, when the man next to me must have noticed this girl sitting in the big green jumper, stained make up and leggings, struggling with her meal.
 It was like he instantly knew something was not right. We were sharing a table and he could probably feel the sighs each time I went to try and eat and would put the spoon down instead - defeated.

'How is your day?' he said 
'Not good' I replied. 
'Ahh it's expected, it's been raining' he said
'True', I said, 'although it's been raining for a while in my world'
I don't know why i felt like sharing that with a complete stranger who was just trying to have his breakfast and make light conversation. But I figured he could see there was nothing light about me this morning. So he probably knew the answer he was going to get even before he asked the question.

'I am going home to try some baking - I have never baked before' he said.
'Oh nice' I replied. 
'Do you cook' he asked?
'I try' I said, when I can be bothered, which isn't always. 
'This juice tastes awful' he said 'I think I will go home and try that cooking'
Well try and have a nice day he said and left.

There was something precious about that moment. Maybe it was the fact that a random  stranger who does not know me could see the pain and strain behind my tear stained eyes and he thought, what can i say to take this girl out of her mind, even just for a second. He spoke about cooking, but somehow it was enough to break me out of my state of self loathe and think about something else for a minute. Cooking.....

We never realise the impact our words have on other people. I wish that I had the courage to speak to a stranger like this man did to me. He didn't ask why I wasn't able to eat my meal, nor did he ask why it had been raining for so long in my world, he simply spoke about cooking and somehow that seemed to be enough.
He cheered me up and suddenly i felt connected to this world again, I didn't feel alone, in a cafe with couples and families everywhere, wondering why I had chosen to sit here alone, 
even if just for a moment, someone had connected with me. And for the rest of my meal, I sat there with a smile on my face, treasuring that very moment, I had a connection with a complete stranger.

Friday 15 July 2011

I CANT TAKE BACK THE WORDS I NEVER SAID


I should have said YES - I should have but i didn't think it would make a difference so i said no. Now I sit here and I realise how much more life would be if i had taken that chance. Said yes all those times i said no, spoke when i wanted to be silent, Stayed when I wanted to leave, went when I wanted to stay, nothing can bring back that moment, that hour, that day, and maybe IF I had said YES at the least I would have come home with a memory and experience, instead I said no to every opportunity that came my way.....and the thought of the lost opportunities, haunts me more then messing them up and doing just what my heart wanted.....

There is something to learn from every experience and we will not grow if we sit at home and watch the world go by because we are too afraid of the outcome. DO IT. DO IT afraid, if it all goes to shit, well at least you know you gave it your all and you tried. Another note in your book of experiences, another page in your journal another tick on the to-do list.
You can never take that moment back so just do it.

Photo:  SuzanneLouise 

Thursday 14 July 2011

THe Tailor - Continued Part two - The Date

I have a date with the tailor tomorrow. So awkward but true. Rosie set it up. i am just to turn up to the coffee shop - with Rosie of course, I wouldn't go this shit alone. Dear God, give me confidence and strength. So nervous right now. A coffee with a male. Yep I can do this. Yep, he's actually quite cute and Rosie said thinner than me and her - that's not a good thing but in truth he may be my new thinspiration since Nicole Richie is no longer anorexic.
1030 - he said he is going to wear his good shirt - he has a good shirt??? I am confused. everything he wears looks like its been basking under a steamer for over a month its so fresh and crisp.

And he asked how I like my coffee - I like this guy already.

I wonder why  he asked that question, is he planning on pre-ordering my coffee? or is he trying to figure me out by the coffee i drink.
If he is trying to figure me out, Forget it buddy. if figuring me out came down to a coffee, i would have saved thousands on therapists.

FYI - The date didn't occur. I went to the coffee stop and had one of my anxious outbursts - yes I am not normal. And then the tailor was like a terrified cat, he became really flustered and excuse himself within a minute. Yep another opportunity I missed by being an absolute freak. I am precious indeed.

Monday 11 July 2011

The Tailor - Continued

So today i walked past fictional boyfriend number two - The Tailor. He is well aware of my crush and this is starting to sound more like reality than a fiction I chose to create in my mind. He gave me a cheeky smile. I attempted to smile, text and walk at the same time, instead breaking out in a laughter, a - because I tripped and B- because i couldn't hold a straight face. I don't do men, I don't know how to flirt, So I just laughed at myself - Like a looney / crazy woman. and...tripped.
Telling Rosie she said.
'Wow, Suz, he must think you're literally falling head over heels in love with him. Well to be honest either that or.
That BITCH can't walk properly she keeps tripping over, she really needa buy herself a pair of new shoes.
Thanks Rose.
Being as neat, clean and crisp as he appears, I think the latter. peace.x

FYI - The tailor looks like a malnutritioned 12 year old who has been polishing his crisp suit and silver jewellery since 1992 *ok so maybe i stare if i have noticed those tiny details _ shit!!* and I would probably crush him if I even as leaned on him since he would weight a whole 30kgs on a fat day, and delicate as he is, my  unwashed hair would probably make him puke all over his pristine suit. I am not being mean, just merely pointing out how unsuitable he is, yet how much time he takes up in my brain - ten minutes of gawking and ten minutes of blogging about him and three minutes laughing about him with Rose. aHH NOT that much. He deserves his 45minutes of air time. Probably a quarter of the time he spends in the mirror of a morning. Stark comparison to the whole three I spend in mine.

He of course is not a suitable candidate but then again they never are. This is what makes this fictional world of mine so exciting, should it ever creep into reality and I mean even merely, I know i would run a mile. Something i excel in. cheers. Goodnight, it's midnight I really should sleep.

Fallen Angel


I thought you were perfect, but I was misguided, mislead, deceived 
your thoughts, your words, your sentences, oh how they sounded so perfect and rang so true, 
they were everything my heart had waited for and more
suddenly it was real.

Every word, ever so true, ever so real, even more so a contradiction to the last, 
for you mean what you say and say what you mean but even you dont know what that is..
to be inside your head, is it all clear in there with a map and directions of where to go - are you aware of your game?

or are you struggling, lying to yourself, trying to figure it out ....
bringing the world in with you, into your little world and game.
or are you just fighting what you really want
just like the rest of us
trying to heal the pain
or are you the one that is completely aware of your game
built a foundation of deceit and lies, known all too well
living each moment 
hurting more than the last
you enter their world
and take what's not yours
in the hope that you may mask the pain 
each day something new to gain, something that is not yours 
you awake empty 
searching, hunting, for a moment of gratitude
another moment of admirantion and praise
its not enough to replace a lifetime of hurt, rejection and pain
you abuse whats not yours and leave
another victim, you search to find
another life you choose to destroy
Leaving behind a string of broken hearts, shattered lives,

they trusted you, they let you in, open hearted
They didn't see your own hidden agenda, they trusted you, they let you in, they loved you, they nurtured you, they let you in
You are blinded to your own needs, another hit you desired, another step up the platform of gains, another score
in order to mask your own pain with this very little evil game
A pain that will only grow stronger with the more you destory
Outside is all smiles and beautiful piercing eyes
Inside lies a rotten weed growing with greed, envy and lust
for what is not yours
Willing to destory anything and anyone
in order to get yourself to a place you could never alone go

I wish you all the best,
I pray that you will look deep inside
and see the rotten heart that you hide,
hidden beneath the smile and the golden locks
lays a ship, stranded at the docks,
anchored deep within, a soul of lies and bitterness
seeking to find and destroy
so for a moment you will feel that gratitude and praise
the high of being wanted, needed and desired,
for a moment you feel like you have won,
and uplifted and high once again
until that too will die and you leave in search
of another life to destroy.

Saturday 9 July 2011

BE STILL

I talk an awful lot, when I am not talking, my mind is talking. My mouth may not be moving but thoughts are churning through my brain at a million per second. I can't even count the number of thoughts that pass through my mind daily. There's plans, ideas, thoughts, everything I do whether it be drink a tea or water, is evaluated in this brain of mine.

I met someone a few months ago who managed to get me to be still for a whole four hours - give or take an hour or two - I wasn't exactly counting. or maybe longer. Like I said - I wasn't counting. My brain wasn't moving.I wasn't thinking.

By be still  - I mean, not speaking, brain not moving, thoughts not going through my head, pure stillness. I even managed to fall asleep without medication for a whole hour (approximates here)- i do not sleep without some form of sedative, be it natural - be it chemical. Those thoughts do NOT leave me alone for even a moment. I didn't realise it at the time. My mind was still for the first time ever  -  well let's be real, since longer than I can actually remember. I had no thoughts.

And that I kind of enjoyed - the stillness. Entering an unknown land without waving my caution flag around? I didn't think about what I was doing there, why I was there? Why I had put my guard down and allowed myself to walk into this persons world as brief as it was - I usually don't leave my own tower  -  but somehow this evening I ventured beyond the confines of my dark walls and it wasn't deliberate, I didn't plan it, and I didn't know it, until I looked around and suddenly I was in unfamiliar territory. And that can be dangerous but surprisingly there was something that I liked about the unknown land.

Why had this person had managed to captivate me? How and why did I end up here? Interesting questions, I now ask myself. Again, those thoughts.  I am surprised it managed to stir something within me, which is great, because I tend to live life quite numb to reality and especially other humans, but not this one. Strange that. There's always one that slips through the cracks. The one minute you are not paying attention....you find yourself captivated and by then, it's too late. The thoughts have formed and you're trying to stop them, but you can't. Especially if you are as insanely senstive as I am. I can't just leave things where i found them. This time, I must. again.

Friday 8 July 2011

Dear Neighbour

Please put something friggen clothes on when sitting by your window (no headphones do not count as clothes) I almost tripped gawking into your window today and now I look like a pervert. Kthanks.bye.until tomorrow morning.

Thursday 7 July 2011

Silence

So I remained there…. silent. Distant. He has no idea who I really am behind the mask of coolness, and I am too scared to tell him, behind the carelessness, the silence and the banter, lays a broken girl who wants to know him but is afraid, afraid that just like the first and last time, I opened up, I told someone how precious the moment was to me, with those words I placed a piece of heart right in their palm,I gave away my shelter.
I trusted him, I warned him, but he took it anyway because I made the choice of giving him that heart with those very words.

I like you more than words! I do but I will always be too scared to tell you. Words are my vice, my weapon, my everything – With them I give away more than I ever could physically. So I REMAIN silent……

That Girl

That girl - I want to be that carefree girl
the beat bringing me to life
alive again, free and fun

I want to be that girl that despite it all is still shinning bright
Is still offering hope to those close and far
dancing in the rain, room and night
Dancing in the hallways

Letting the music PLAY loud and clear
to another place, another space
imagination, creation, life
where is it at the moment
letting go, feeling free, going to another place
where mind and body are separate and emotions run free
that careless girl with the beat

Today -

Today I am not the person I was yesterday
I am not the person who liked to read, write and play
I have discovered a depth I havent known before
and that...
I should not let go of
so close so near on the surface of it all
it hurts to much to acknowledge
but even more to just forget
maybe living in the memory and the pain is better than the hopelessness of the present mind
Mind oh mind return to thy former state
one where love was real and life felt lived
I feel like I am merely existing
an empty shell -
one with life but without water
dehydrated and drawn out
I want to live again, to have hope to be me
free, as free as I once was

THE WHITE DRESS

Dress by: Anna Campbell
Anna Campbell dresses are divine. They are feminine, delicate and romantic.
Ceck out her dresses here
I just held that bridal gown against my body (much rather it had been a boy, a certain boy to be honest because it's never just a boy, it's always a certain boy and these boys are rare and special just like me) and I said to the assistant, You know I ALWAYS wanted to be a bride, but this colour white, it makes me looked washed out and pale. Oh wow, it doesn't make me look as pretty as I had always imagined.

Where's the bridesmaid dress section?

You can pick and choose your colours there, you're not confined to white and they're cheaper so I can cut them up and turn them into casual party dresses, party dresses will always be there when you need them and when I am done wearing it, It won't hurt me as it didn't cost as much as the beautiful white dress anyway.

So was did I continue to gravitate towards that white dress?

Because it's not about the dress, or the flowers, or the ring, its about what is symbolises (for me anyway) - the white dress says to me - finding someone that you say I do to. Someone that makes you love them that tiny bit more than yourself, someone you want to commit the REST of your life to, someone you are prepared to give up yourself for, risk everything for, leave everything for, share everything with. unity, togetherness, BE ONE with. Someone to wake up and share ALL of your secrets with, someone who understands you better than yourself at times, and someone who is prepared to risk it all for you.

As I stood there staring at myself in the mirror, in this beautiful blue dress, I looked prettier in it, thinner even, but I could finally see how much I really wanted the white dress, even if it did make me look paler and cost more ..  a whole lot more, it cost in faith, it cost in trust and it would cost in sacrifice...

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)
Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Wednesday 6 July 2011

Everything I Desire...



I shut it out, I lock it out, I pretend it's not there
Pretending is my shield, my armour, my strength
The stage is my domain, from reality I refrain
I look, i walk, head held high, eyes wide shut to what lays in front
I refuse to look, to see, to acknowledge so I pretend
shall I stop, shall I pause, shall the curtain fall, shall I I take my bow and the performance end
shall i gain the courage to open my eyes to what lays before me and allow myself to feel
I fear, I fear it will engulf me, swollow me up, paralyse my mind, heart and soul
Torture me, encapsulate me, consume me and maybe even tear me ......to tiny shreds once again
Put together to be pulled apart, for no greater risk is that than that of losing oneself to another
I fear this very thing, so I continue on pretending, keep up the act, head held high in complete oblivion
I fear i fear i fear yet the very thing I fear I fear I have
already become
numb.

Monday 4 July 2011

Pushing Forward

GOD is real and he is going to give you the desires of your heart - The question is ....

Do YOU believe it?


yes moments like today, i wanted to sit in a bath and just drown away my sorrows and just not  move and lay in regret and say life sucks because the reality of my situation right now is that it does suck. 
I have been miserable longer than anyone my age should, 
I have cried enough tears to fill every bath tub in this country
I have been more patient than I have wanted to, 
I  have sacrificed more than I would have liked
I have the right to say i give in, 
I give up... because things are definitely not rosey. 

But I choose to believe for a better tomorrow. 
I could look and say this time last year
I cried this very same tear. I could say that nothing has changed. 
BUT I look around at those who have come from darkness to light and are now living their God Given dream, and a glimmer of hope rises up inside me
I hear the word and more hope is born
Instead of destroying myself with alcohol and painkillers
...i put my faith in god, wait, and make it happen, one day at a time.
I take one small step a day, walking towards that dream
and with each step I get closer, I draw nearer
I can't see it, but I know the steps are taking me to my destination
I will get there and I will look back on this and say 
I did it GOD, I made it, and I am your prized possession, all these years, I got through, 
I woke up when I didn't want to 
I worked hard when all I wanted to do way lay in bed, 
I went and took that photo when my heart was breaking and it it wanted to do was bleed, 
I didn't give in when I had every right to, every reason to
I didn't swollow that drug and embark on a journey of numbness when it called my name night after night, asking me to come in, and escape, instead i felt the pain, through my heart, in my veins, and thumping in my brain.
Even though I lay there, still and unable to move, I pressed in, I believed, I hoped, I told myself, this is worth the pain, I didn't see the future, I didn't even see a ray of light at the end of this tunnel and at times I still don't see it, but somewhere I believe it is there because GOD says it is and he has proved himself more than faithful.
And FAITH alone pleases GOD more than anything else.
I will one day say this, 
I will say -  I got up and pushed through, and felt the pain even when I didn't feel like it and
now I look up to the heavens and say 

God - I did it. I arrived. Together we survived.

What did you do this weekend?

I am curious, what did you all do this weekend? Asked my dear friend.

My weekend was really good. I had a fabulous time. I cant even remember what I did but I know it was fabulous. I know my boss gave me some wine and then I trampaised around my friends homes looking for someone to party with me.Come play, come play I whinged. No instead everyone thought I was mad and suggested I just go to bed and stop caushing havoc.And that the best thing I could do would be to go to bed. plain and simple. So i took a nurofen to avoid a hangover the next day,  and went to bed.

Saturday night I went out again....Shady Pines, more wine, more hangovers and Sunday I did a photoshoot of myself. Ahh bless me and my love for myself. That's a jam packed weekend so I did remember after all, meaning it it was good.

 Then...last night I had Monday Family dinner in Manly and drunk more wine. Three no possibly four wine induced nights in a row i am bordering on alcoholism. Amongst other things like nurofenplus addiction. I would really like one now actually but better not.

Anyway, I rant....

My Imagination - Part Two - The Tailor

So today I had lunch with the gorgeous Roza. I told her about my second imaginary boyfriend -
(listen when you are my age and have been single for ten years- you need to invent magic in your mind to stay alive - so until I meet someone that makes my heart miss a beat and I actually want to kiss them instead of admire them from miles away or through a TV screen-  I will continue living in this fantasy world where i embark on these relationships with realistic yet imaginary people). 

Like for instance anyone that crosses my path, they are in real human form, but never anyone I would really actually realistically date or not run a mile had they ever spoken to me. Do men make me awkward? yes -  very. End of discussion. They say I am a dreamer, perhaps. Perhaps the fairytale does exist. I hope to one day know.

Anyway, an  example of this ludicrousy would be... the butcher, the milkman, the tailor, the neighbour, the Batista and whoever else I may meet and may feel like is a suitable candidate but of course will not talk to - because well...life is much easier when it exists in your head, they're real, they exist, but the relationship between you both just doesn't leave the perimeters of your mind...its a nice world and besides you can shut that shit down whenever you like and not bleed anytime you like. Am I starting to sound crazy yet?

So here it is, we are walking past the tailor and I tell Rosie how we exchange looks, yep this one actually looks at me - as opposed to the neighbour whom I coincidentally walk past each day and he sits at his window, blissfully unaware of my presence. I actually wonder if he works, or what he does, I walk past all hours of the night - NOT INTENTIONALLY - his apartment is next door, it's kinda inevitable, looking however is a choice, and he is always sitting at his computer. 8am, 2am, 11am, 6pm.

Back to the Tailor, I shot him a look as i started my descent down the escalators yesterday, whilst trying to be seductive and sipping on my coffee. I tripped because I was too busy staring at him instead of what I should have been staring at - the steps in front of me - I missed the first step of the escalators and almost took a tumble and that saucy straw almost ended up down my throat.....not in a seductive way at all. Fail. He looked back, he always does, quite puzzled.

Roza and the Tailor - share the same coffee shop. She decided to drop the crush info.

Roza: (Batista - she said his name - I didn't pay attention) Meet my friend Suzi, she has a crush on one of your customers.
Suzi: Hi, nice to meet you sir, umm so that tailor dude, does he swing my way or yours? Roza insists he is gay, I said she's just jealous because we have a relationship that consists of exchanging looks. Or perhaps I just look at him and he looks back confused and thinks - what are you looking at? Seriously, actually come to think of it, he looks at me like he wants to stab me---(I start ranting the Barista looks concerned).
Barista; Your way actually. - He's not gay.

Suzi: I told you Roza!! I told you!!
So we walk past the tailor on our way out and i am determined to show Roza the amazing 'exchanging looks' relationship that we have. I say watch he is going to look my way. We walk and I stop out the front of his store, and stomp my feet really loudly, it took about three stops before he looked up...and then...he looked up, puzzled and back to his suits again.

Roza: Covers her mouth with her hands, squeals.humiliated. and races ten steps ahead of me!!
I am so embarrassed. I cannot believe you did that. How will I ever look at him in the coffee line again!! You are not normal!! This is not normal.

Suzi: Butttttt......Rose, he looked at me and that is what I was trying to prove to you that he looks at me.

Rose: Because you stood outside his shop stomping your feet like a horse!! He had to look up and see where the noise was coming from.
fail number two.

And that my friends is my non existent love life. It consists of fictional characters. I really do wish i would actually speak to these men and maybe fall in love with them, but no, its much safer to hide behind the confines of my insane mind.

Sunday 3 July 2011

If you knew how the novel was going to end, would you still read it? Life is like your unwritten novel, full of mystery and adventure, enjoy the journey, the moment, the season and in due course, just like a novel, everything anticipated will come together nicely.