You

How many times will I hear your name before its just a word?
How many times will I remember before I forget?
When will the tape stop playing sweet melodies?
When will I run out of words to write about you?
When will the rose coloured glasses let me see your true colours?
When will you stop occupying that compartment in my brain that has been yours to own longer than it should?

To Wrap My Arms Around You

Abby turned her back to him, staring at the dull brick wall. Sleep again was escaping her, becoming elusive, she could feel the blood rushing through her body, there was no way sleep was going to come anytime soon. Not with all the thoughts that were lingering around in her mind.

Those thought of him and her future. What would her future hold? Here she was about to enroll into arts college, about to begin the rest of her life, the life she had always dreamed about,  but now, it was going to be without him.  Would life be the same? Would there be sleepless nights? Would there be tossing and turning and wondering what if? What if she just stayed here? Forever….. Would she be happier? She couldn't think about it. She was moving on. It was too late for what if's.

I wonder where he will be this time next year she thought. When I am gone. What if he falls in love with someone else? The very thought of that pained her. It was like a stab going through the pits of her stomach. She couldn’t imagine him with anyone else, but yet she had to. Because today she was leaving. This was the final goodbye.

Will he remember me she thought? Will he remember our first conversation?  Will he even realise the impact his love had on me? I wonder if he will remember the moment he told me to stop worrying about saving the world and enjoy this moment, the here, the now. Suddenly she remembered the smile on his face as she had told him she had finally learnt how to enjoy the ‘here and now’ what a fun day that had been. And now…this was the end of the here and now for them both. She had made up her mind, she was leaving and so was he. Two people were about to set out on two separate journeys, in opposite sides of the world. I wonder she thought, I wonder if he will ever think of me, or will I just be a distant memory, forgotten, someone he once use to know but no longer thinks about… Will he remember the times we spent being kids again? The days by the ocean? The nights getting drunk on sweet red wine and laughing all the way home? I wonder she thought and with that, she shut her eyes and tried to drown out the noises inside her head.

LIFE

Today I have pondering life and it’s meaning..it’s purpose
Are we really placed on this earth to work all day everyday and have a mere 5 hours to ourselves.
I don't really understand the western society
I think of third world countries, they are envious of our dollars
yet we live such miserable lives
chained and confined to office cubicles
too tired to enjoy the money
we spend 60 years saving to have a wonderful retirement,
then we spend 20 years enjoying that retirement
how does that make sense?
Then we die,

we spend our lives protecting ourselves from humans hurting us
sealing our souls away, locking up our hearts, living in isolation for the fear that others may hurt us
yet we don't realise we have shut ourselves off from life
we have numbed ourselves to life because of our fear of
pain is part of life - part of reality
but instead we are living already dead, lifeless
Humans they go out and hurt others to elevate themselves
to make ourselves feel better
And in that we mess up someone else's life entirely
someone who trusted you, loved you
what benefit is there in a temporary high for us that will destroy someone else?
Where is the joy in that?

The End, The End, Deborah Harry

Darkness falls like a a black leather jacket
And melts into the sidewalk
Like a sleeping drunk in the streets,
the wind throws yesterday`s headlines around
Another night comes and goes
So for awhile back then
There was someplace to go
Somewhere more home than a house
A family of choice not an accident
But sometimes as soon as something
Get`s started it`s over
Now the days are much shorter
And the people from the good part of town
All come around, but something is missing
Even though there`s more there now
I shrug off my attempts to explain
How a torn T-shirt made it all danger again
I don`t like flashbacks in movies
I like the story to proceed
I don`t like talking about the old days
Except if it tells where the future will lead
So we take awalk down this haunted hall
Or stumple through a shattered recall
I know there`s nothing to relieve
It`s just the shape of it all
I don`t want it different
Don`t want it again
But value for value
Now I´d never want it to end
You think of the old friends
And faces no more to be seen
You think how much fun a line-up word mean
Anjonce that tape starts playing
It`s too hard to make it rewind
That one special face takes over your mind

The end of the run
We almost won
The end of the run
We had our fun
The end of the run
I knew it then it won`t be back again

We stood in the cold night
Though we should be warm in the back of the lot
With me in your arms
The sun was fallin`
The grey rain was pourin`
The cars were all dirty and slow
We both had our kiss
And out of the depths and darkness
With my eyes closed I still ya fine
That was the season
We made our dreams come true
There was no limit to what we could do

The end of the run
We almost won
The end of the run
We had our fun
The end of the run
I knew it then he won`t be back again

Once that tape starts playing
It`s too hard to make it rewind
With my eyes closed I still see ya fine
That was the season
We made our dreams come true
There was no limit to what we could do


These lyrics completely reflect how I feel today.

Alice In UnderLand

   

My friend and fellow photographer Sian Seta Grahl is by far one of the most talented women I am privledged to know. She captured me in my little element on the weekend, playing with clothes and hats. Something I absolutely adore.

Drop Dead Fred

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody

When the nights are so long

'cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

When I look at you

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I know I'm not alone

LOVE

This is simply divine. I wish I could create memories like this. At this stage I cannot, but this is incredibly heartwarming.

Danielle & Jayce from rus anson on Vimeo.

Check out more here
You will not be disappointed.

to think is hurting
to not is straining
i need, I want, I do
but cannot
to wonder of the how and why
to see today and think of yesterday
to need to have to want to be
is indeed hurting me
I want to
think of you and we and me
and why we cannot be
the dreams, the talks, the walks, the days
which today all seem like much a haze

The Story of You and I

FLOLOVE PARIS - SS 2012 from OH LA LA ! on Vimeo.

Lindsay Lohan for Terry Richardson's Diary

TRUTH

I was inspired to write this blog after I hit rock bottom last year.

I was drowning. I had just returned from New York and was confined to my bed. The curtains drawn, I could barely make out what lay on the floor beneath me. I had just been on a manic spending spree and accumulated a room full of material possessions which at the time I had blindly convinced myself would make me happy – how wrong I was! I had barely unpacked my bags before I was rejecting phone calls from the debt collection agencies. All these 'possessions' only made my already cluttered room even more cluttered and added an extra load of pressure to my bank account that i clearly didn't need and phonecalls I had no time for.

For six long months I laid in this mess day & night. I cared for nothing. That was until I was on the border of eviction. It was move back home - not even an option in this state - or become homeless or get some strength and find a job. A job it was.

Otherwise I could have comfortably spent a very long time in bed with nothing more than my Xanax and my imac. Youtube had become a steadfast friend as had blogs.

Life was not good. I was broken. I didn't want healing. I didn’t have energy. I was convinced the world was an evil place and I wanted no part of it. If I didn’t have such a strong conviction I probably would have had ten Xanax instead of the one I was having and put an end to a lifetime of disappointments. Joy had left my body. It was nowhere to be found. The only reason I held on was the Psalms, one scripture was all my mind could bear, but somehow I had faith that God would make it better. I had a tiny bit of faith. It wasn't enough to get me out of bed, but it was enough to limit my xanax to one instead of ten and just hold on - stay with God. And that is more than enough when you are clutching a way out of this world and life in your hand.

The only time I left my bed was when I awoke from my drug induced sleeps. Usually around 12pm. I would go to Gertrude & Alice to collect my morning coffee and indulge in some reading. This seemed to bring my mind some temporary joy and much needed distraction from my life. Which was close to non-existent.

I FELT like I was the only person in the entire universe to encounter such bitter disappointments and hardships. I felt so alone. No one in my world understood how someone who had the world at their feet, had chosen to lay in bed instead of make an effort to make things better. Truth be told. I had tried and tried and tried and after years of holding everything together, and endless pursuits of trying, someone had come along and pulled lightly on that string and suddenly everything had come undone. That very string I had wrapped around my own hands for so long, holding on tightly was now unravelling right before my very eyes. I could do nothing to stop it.
It was like I was re-living every disappointment, betrayal and hurt that I had pushed to the back of my mind my whole life. Suddenly I could try no more. I was done. I couldn't stop the ball from rolling.

It was during one of these self loathing days that I was sent a link to a blog with a little message saying– 'You should read this blog – she reminds me of you' - well i guess you left me some hope didn't you?

In this blog I found comfort.

The writing was filled with the truth.

Disappointments, regrets, tragedies, all put into words that I needed to hear at a time when I could feel and see nothing more than my own emotions, spitting through the seams, coming out of my pores. It was comforting to know someone else had experienced a similar pain. Suddenly I didn’t feel alone in my struggles, I found comfort in her writing.

It was comforting to know that even she had spent countless days and nights in a dark room with piles of clothes suffocating her, numbness had invaded her body like it had mine.
Most importantly, it brought me HOPE. It brought me hope because she was real. It brought me hope because I suddenly didn’t feel like a victim, I didn't feel ashamed that I had lost control of my life, I didn't feel like the only person to have suffered in this world, to have been dealt a bad card or two. It gave me hope because as hurt as she had been she was now OK. And if she had survived the battles. I could too.

It was just music to my ears to hear truth when I had been blinded by lies.
It brought a much needed companion when I wanted to see nobody - this blog became my friend, my encouragement,
And I guess that is why I have chosen to write. To express my feelings, my experiences, my heartaches and everything in between (and be as raw as I possibly can - if it's too depressing/raw for you - click the x in the top right hand corner and you will read the words no more). When so many people paint pretty pictures of a grandoise life - see facebook for reference - out there someone is searching for the truth. Someone is crying, someone is hurting, someone is drowning in loneliness. Someone just needs to hear something that is not filled with moet and cavier and exclusive parties.
(I mean I am sure I will at some stage post pretty pictures - let's not contradict myself here- BUT.... I also want to paint a picture that depicts reality - which isn't always pretty pictures, lets be real).

I hope it helps someone in the world. Somewhere who feels like another day is one too much, who feels like only bad things happen to them, loneliness invades and takes over, and you don’t want to push through, you are done. You feel so alone.
I am here to tell you, it’s worth holding on you will come out shining on the other end- and to remind you - sweetheart you are not alone on this journey - You really are not - reach out and you will see someone is waiting to come alongside you and just walk with you as you try and figure it all out.

*And a huge thank you to my steadfast friend Rachel Kara who never stopped encouraging me. Rachel your words have been like sunshine on a cold winters day. Thank you Thank you Thank you for your encouragement and never ending love and support throughout it all. This blog wouldn't be started without you. And even if no one reads it, it's therapeutic for me, just to execute my thoughts and my life somehow. xx I love you dearly xx