TRUTH

I was inspired to write this blog after I hit rock bottom last year.

I was drowning. I had just returned from New York and was confined to my bed. The curtains drawn, I could barely make out what lay on the floor beneath me. I had just been on a manic spending spree and accumulated a room full of material possessions which at the time I had blindly convinced myself would make me happy – how wrong I was! I had barely unpacked my bags before I was rejecting phone calls from the debt collection agencies. All these 'possessions' only made my already cluttered room even more cluttered and added an extra load of pressure to my bank account that i clearly didn't need and phonecalls I had no time for.

For six long months I laid in this mess day & night. I cared for nothing. That was until I was on the border of eviction. It was move back home - not even an option in this state - or become homeless or get some strength and find a job. A job it was.

Otherwise I could have comfortably spent a very long time in bed with nothing more than my Xanax and my imac. Youtube had become a steadfast friend as had blogs.

Life was not good. I was broken. I didn't want healing. I didn’t have energy. I was convinced the world was an evil place and I wanted no part of it. If I didn’t have such a strong conviction I probably would have had ten Xanax instead of the one I was having and put an end to a lifetime of disappointments. Joy had left my body. It was nowhere to be found. The only reason I held on was the Psalms, one scripture was all my mind could bear, but somehow I had faith that God would make it better. I had a tiny bit of faith. It wasn't enough to get me out of bed, but it was enough to limit my xanax to one instead of ten and just hold on - stay with God. And that is more than enough when you are clutching a way out of this world and life in your hand.

The only time I left my bed was when I awoke from my drug induced sleeps. Usually around 12pm. I would go to Gertrude & Alice to collect my morning coffee and indulge in some reading. This seemed to bring my mind some temporary joy and much needed distraction from my life. Which was close to non-existent.

I FELT like I was the only person in the entire universe to encounter such bitter disappointments and hardships. I felt so alone. No one in my world understood how someone who had the world at their feet, had chosen to lay in bed instead of make an effort to make things better. Truth be told. I had tried and tried and tried and after years of holding everything together, and endless pursuits of trying, someone had come along and pulled lightly on that string and suddenly everything had come undone. That very string I had wrapped around my own hands for so long, holding on tightly was now unravelling right before my very eyes. I could do nothing to stop it.
It was like I was re-living every disappointment, betrayal and hurt that I had pushed to the back of my mind my whole life. Suddenly I could try no more. I was done. I couldn't stop the ball from rolling.

It was during one of these self loathing days that I was sent a link to a blog with a little message saying– 'You should read this blog – she reminds me of you' - well i guess you left me some hope didn't you?

In this blog I found comfort.

The writing was filled with the truth.

Disappointments, regrets, tragedies, all put into words that I needed to hear at a time when I could feel and see nothing more than my own emotions, spitting through the seams, coming out of my pores. It was comforting to know someone else had experienced a similar pain. Suddenly I didn’t feel alone in my struggles, I found comfort in her writing.

It was comforting to know that even she had spent countless days and nights in a dark room with piles of clothes suffocating her, numbness had invaded her body like it had mine.
Most importantly, it brought me HOPE. It brought me hope because she was real. It brought me hope because I suddenly didn’t feel like a victim, I didn't feel ashamed that I had lost control of my life, I didn't feel like the only person to have suffered in this world, to have been dealt a bad card or two. It gave me hope because as hurt as she had been she was now OK. And if she had survived the battles. I could too.

It was just music to my ears to hear truth when I had been blinded by lies.
It brought a much needed companion when I wanted to see nobody - this blog became my friend, my encouragement,
And I guess that is why I have chosen to write. To express my feelings, my experiences, my heartaches and everything in between (and be as raw as I possibly can - if it's too depressing/raw for you - click the x in the top right hand corner and you will read the words no more). When so many people paint pretty pictures of a grandoise life - see facebook for reference - out there someone is searching for the truth. Someone is crying, someone is hurting, someone is drowning in loneliness. Someone just needs to hear something that is not filled with moet and cavier and exclusive parties.
(I mean I am sure I will at some stage post pretty pictures - let's not contradict myself here- BUT.... I also want to paint a picture that depicts reality - which isn't always pretty pictures, lets be real).

I hope it helps someone in the world. Somewhere who feels like another day is one too much, who feels like only bad things happen to them, loneliness invades and takes over, and you don’t want to push through, you are done. You feel so alone.
I am here to tell you, it’s worth holding on you will come out shining on the other end- and to remind you - sweetheart you are not alone on this journey - You really are not - reach out and you will see someone is waiting to come alongside you and just walk with you as you try and figure it all out.

*And a huge thank you to my steadfast friend Rachel Kara who never stopped encouraging me. Rachel your words have been like sunshine on a cold winters day. Thank you Thank you Thank you for your encouragement and never ending love and support throughout it all. This blog wouldn't be started without you. And even if no one reads it, it's therapeutic for me, just to execute my thoughts and my life somehow. xx I love you dearly xx