Freedom

The colour of the blue sky against the crystal clear waters
The scent of freedom in the air
Here today now, I am perplexed at my own freedom
The ability to make choices without the fear of repercussions
My life, finally my own
Today the day, many days before were spent praying about
Today here in 2011 in the last week of November
an announcement made that proclaimed my freedom
I am free to go out into the world, free to make choices
free to not camouflage my steps
Freedom tastes so sweet, for I have forgotten the taste and scent
trapped in bitterness and regret for almost a lifetime,
Bitterness no more, forgiveness reigns, I am free to proceeed

Vintage Shopping...O'Fun Times

Until you bring home so many items your rooms starts to resemble a vintage store. Cramped, overloaded, precious pieces, that look better on hangers than you.

Dance Under The Stars

   

Darkness has yet again descended upon me

my own thoughts evade me
 and all that's left is 

thoughts of you

It is impossible to navigate through the day

when my emotions are trapped in you.

I wish I could see what everyone else sees

yet all i see is inner beauty, penetrating through to the outskirts

Generous and kind

You took the time to understand

You gave me your hand

Together escaping to a faraway land

We danced under the stars

Drank wine under by the seaside

Shared secrets on long train rides

Talked about yesterday and many tomorrow's

All been and gone
Today there's nothing left to share
No wine, no music, not even a lone star
I look to yesterday in the hope that I may find it there

(to.be.continued, when things oxycotin is readily available)

WHAT IF????

I am sitting in a narrow light brown bricked laneway. Outside a nightclub, not just any nightclub but the nightclub I first laid eyes on you. This time it’s different though, it’s 10am on a Sunday morning. The only noise I can hear is that of the mild breeze rustling the leaves on the branches above me, the noise is soothing, it’s filling my soul with peace and reminding me that I am indeed alive.

The sun is up and shining brightly, I can feel its warmth on my skin. It’s a very different scene here today, outside this club from the night I met you. There’s no one around. No loud music, no friends, no drunken street kids, no young girls in skimpy clothing exposing more than the eye cares to see, there’s no musicians.  Just me, the wind, the trees and the empty shell of a club. There’s a stillness in the air. As I sit here I am taken back to that night, and I can’t help but play out the thought that plagues my mind from time to time; what would my life would look today if I had walked away that night ?If after what I had seen, I had run away and  never looked back. The answer shouldn’t matter, because I didn’t run away. I stayed. And I shouldn’t be thinking about the ‘what ifs’ yet my circumstances force me to ask those questions. To examine the past, in order to help me understand the present.

So I sit here clutching my strong skim cap in one hand and my keys in the other. I should continue walking through the narrow laneway until I reach my car and go home, yet, for some reason today I choose to stop, to give those two very important words ‘what if’ some thought. What if I never met you, would I still be who I am today? Would I be happier? More trusting? More loving? Would I be married with two kids living in that white picket fenced house that I had envisioned years before my eyes met yours. Would I even be divorced, having known what I know now and having discovered it so late in life? or would I be unhappily settled and married, too scared to leave, trapped in a loveless marriage for the sake of my children. Would I still be who I am today if my past was different? Would I be a better person or someone far worse? Or most importantly would I be living my dream? Would my dream look different to the one I have now, here, today?  or would I have taken a completely different path if I had a choice? Would I be a mother? A wife? 

I know life has no room for regrets or 'what ifs', it is a case of sliding doors and sometimes we miss that train. Sometimes for the better, other times for worse, but we can never really know until we completely live out our lives and see where the path of life leads us.

We need to accept, grow, change and learn from our mistakes, but today, when this beautiful sunny Sunday  seems so gloomy and the future seems so far away and hope seems to have escaped me, my dreams seem like they belong to someone else, and I am alone,  it is here, today, now that I am forced to ask myself ‘WHAT IF?”

Escape With Me

Photo: Misma Andrews,

I need to get away. For a day, a week, a month. Or maybe just a weekend.

I want to have my senses awakened - every single one of them filled with something unfamiliar, an unfamailiar land, a new scent, perhaps a scent of fresh lavender living amongst the soft green grass, sedating me, invading my soul leaving behind a sweet peacefulness.

I want to taste the rough texture of the raspberries as I reach up and pick them off the branches, I want them to leave their pretty purple stains all over my un-manicured nails, I want to pick strawberries grown in cemented bath tubs, I want to  touch the side of your face, hold it in my palms and tell you how beautiful you are and how much your presence means to me.

I want to escape to another universe. One with no boundaries, one that has no walls and everyone is free to be themselves, say what they want without judgment, love who they want without fear, I want to pick pretty flowers and make daisy chains, I want to skip through the rice fields, covered with nothingness for miles and miles, I want climb the highest ice mountain and allow the cold, crisp air to fill my lungs as I breathe in life, and realise how precious it is to be alive in this second,  I want to see the entire world stretched out before me as I breathe out and feel its stillness.

I want to be surrounded with white ice, mist and blue clouds and even whiter skies. I am alive. I am still.

I want to ride a bike through the Austrian alps at a leisurely pace, listening to the birds above me, hearing nothing but birds, trees and stillness. I want to then fly down the graveled hill, feeling the branches of the trees and the leaves attached to them brush against me as I accelerate past them at full speed. I want to feel the wind pull back my hair and make my eyes water. I want to feel that water, stream down the side of my face. I want to feel the rush of fear as I come down that hill. I want to feel the relief as I stop and feel the stillness of the planet as my feet touch the ground. I want to hear the birds chirping in the trees above me. I want to sip port from the bottle whilst i lay in a hammock as I escape into a fantasy novel with fairies and miracles and goblins and love. I want to stay awake until the sun comes up. I want to watch it rise as I drift off to sleep, in your arms, surrounded by your love.

I find I am wasting time on nothing. Time goes so quickly, and it's ticking. I have so many unwritten dreams, so many visions, so many plans and even more desires. I have books I want to read, so many stories I want to write, I have so many unfulfilled romantic fairytales I want to live out, yet...I am afraid and feel numb. I want to run barefoot through endless fields of lillies, I want to feel that grass between my toes and under the souls of my feet. I want to fly to Italy and then catch a train to Russia just to know what it feels like to be alone in an unfamiliar, unpredictable and foreign land again, I want to feel you.

I want to build sandcastles on a beach in Cinque Terre, just like I did five years ago, but this time, I have a whole lot more heart, this time it will be different. I want to take pretty pictures there, be open to meeting the most interesting and diverse characters our universe has occupying it, I want to hear their stories, I want to write about their stories, about our encounters, about our lives on this planet and how we came to be at this very place at this very time. I want to live for I am alive.

Photo: Misma Andrews

Friends Are Precious

I would like to make a little tribute to all of those people who make life worth living.

The last year has by far been one of the most challenging, heartbreaking, refreshing, new and exciting years of my life. It was a journey of self discovery, finding out who I was, who I had become and who I wanted to be. Along the road, I found myself off track, lost in the woods, without a trail, without any knowledge on how to get back home.

I am blessed to have some great people in my life, who made standing so much more bearable when I wanted to stand no more. When I had lost myself, they reminded me of who I really was. When I had lost hope, they reminded me it was still there. Especially in the times, when a few people I thought I knew and trusted turned out to be completely different to the person I initially thought they were.
I thought they were dandelions but instead turned out to be weeds. Strangling the hope out of me. When I wanted to runaway from the world and tell it I want it no more. My friends - the true ones, not the few that I have left behind me, reminded me not all was bad in our universe. They loved me in such an indescribable way that it made every bad day livable.

So here's a little tribute to those to held my hand as I walked through the dark paths without a trail, left their judgement at the door when I crashed, wiped my tears and wept with me as I poured out the failures and disappointments of my life, and stayed up all night after night after night as I replayed the tiny, useless and intricate details of the past year to them. Never once silencing me. Never once turning the channel to them. Listening to the same tune each night, and not refusing to give up on me when I had given up on myself. Offering kind words of wisdom and support and managed to make me see the reasoning behind the madness, and time and time again jumped with joy as I came out of the darkness. 

I want you all to know you mean the world to me -  and, more than EVEN I could ever put into words. And as I walked a road I had not walked on before, you all came along for the journey, like true friends. YOU all cheered with me when I emerged from the dark forest, without shadows.  I may not have shown it in the past year, because I have been so self absorbed with these challenges, but even amongst it all, I was thanking GOD each night for you all. And to be honest, had it not been for you guys, I am not too sure I would be standing as strong as I am today or even standing at all.

Heartless

You wake up one day and you remember again, except this time, its not bittersweet, its just sweet, it’s a memory but not one that haunts you, it's now a distant memory, it's no longer the present, its now in the past.

It’s no longer a loss, a longing, a wanting,  its one that you remember and you can talk about and suddenly it doesn’t hurt anymore the pain is gone, the memory is here, but the pain no more, and it’s a good feeling, a great one, but the emptiness is just numbness, it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t elevate, its just nothingnesss…stillness, it’s quiet and it’s boring and you want it back, the pain, the joy, something, anything but stillness...but you know you don’t need it back. And need is more important than want.Gone is the leap in my heart at the thought of you, , gone are the butterflies when I remember your smile, gone is my smile for you and the tear that followed, gone are the nervous jolts in my stomach when I remember your eyes looking into mine, and gone is the thorn in my side when I think of what you did,  it no longer hurts,my love for you, its gone too, it's dried up along with my tears, my heart no longer aches for you. I guess this is goodbye, I guess this is the end, and I am not so sure I want it to end, but I know it is the end. It's the end of us and the beginning of me.

You

How many times will I hear your name before its just a word?
How many times will I remember before I forget?
When will the tape stop playing sweet melodies?
When will I run out of words to write about you?
When will the rose coloured glasses let me see your true colours?
When will you stop occupying that compartment in my brain that has been yours to own longer than it should?

To Wrap My Arms Around You

Abby turned her back to him, staring at the dull brick wall. Sleep again was escaping her, becoming elusive, she could feel the blood rushing through her body, there was no way sleep was going to come anytime soon. Not with all the thoughts that were lingering around in her mind.

Those thought of him and her future. What would her future hold? Here she was about to enroll into arts college, about to begin the rest of her life, the life she had always dreamed about,  but now, it was going to be without him.  Would life be the same? Would there be sleepless nights? Would there be tossing and turning and wondering what if? What if she just stayed here? Forever….. Would she be happier? She couldn't think about it. She was moving on. It was too late for what if's.

I wonder where he will be this time next year she thought. When I am gone. What if he falls in love with someone else? The very thought of that pained her. It was like a stab going through the pits of her stomach. She couldn’t imagine him with anyone else, but yet she had to. Because today she was leaving. This was the final goodbye.

Will he remember me she thought? Will he remember our first conversation?  Will he even realise the impact his love had on me? I wonder if he will remember the moment he told me to stop worrying about saving the world and enjoy this moment, the here, the now. Suddenly she remembered the smile on his face as she had told him she had finally learnt how to enjoy the ‘here and now’ what a fun day that had been. And now…this was the end of the here and now for them both. She had made up her mind, she was leaving and so was he. Two people were about to set out on two separate journeys, in opposite sides of the world. I wonder she thought, I wonder if he will ever think of me, or will I just be a distant memory, forgotten, someone he once use to know but no longer thinks about… Will he remember the times we spent being kids again? The days by the ocean? The nights getting drunk on sweet red wine and laughing all the way home? I wonder she thought and with that, she shut her eyes and tried to drown out the noises inside her head.

LIFE

Today I have pondering life and it’s meaning..it’s purpose
Are we really placed on this earth to work all day everyday and have a mere 5 hours to ourselves.
I don't really understand the western society
I think of third world countries, they are envious of our dollars
yet we live such miserable lives
chained and confined to office cubicles
too tired to enjoy the money
we spend 60 years saving to have a wonderful retirement,
then we spend 20 years enjoying that retirement
how does that make sense?
Then we die,

we spend our lives protecting ourselves from humans hurting us
sealing our souls away, locking up our hearts, living in isolation for the fear that others may hurt us
yet we don't realise we have shut ourselves off from life
we have numbed ourselves to life because of our fear of
pain is part of life - part of reality
but instead we are living already dead, lifeless
Humans they go out and hurt others to elevate themselves
to make ourselves feel better
And in that we mess up someone else's life entirely
someone who trusted you, loved you
what benefit is there in a temporary high for us that will destroy someone else?
Where is the joy in that?

The End, The End, Deborah Harry

Darkness falls like a a black leather jacket
And melts into the sidewalk
Like a sleeping drunk in the streets,
the wind throws yesterday`s headlines around
Another night comes and goes
So for awhile back then
There was someplace to go
Somewhere more home than a house
A family of choice not an accident
But sometimes as soon as something
Get`s started it`s over
Now the days are much shorter
And the people from the good part of town
All come around, but something is missing
Even though there`s more there now
I shrug off my attempts to explain
How a torn T-shirt made it all danger again
I don`t like flashbacks in movies
I like the story to proceed
I don`t like talking about the old days
Except if it tells where the future will lead
So we take awalk down this haunted hall
Or stumple through a shattered recall
I know there`s nothing to relieve
It`s just the shape of it all
I don`t want it different
Don`t want it again
But value for value
Now I´d never want it to end
You think of the old friends
And faces no more to be seen
You think how much fun a line-up word mean
Anjonce that tape starts playing
It`s too hard to make it rewind
That one special face takes over your mind

The end of the run
We almost won
The end of the run
We had our fun
The end of the run
I knew it then it won`t be back again

We stood in the cold night
Though we should be warm in the back of the lot
With me in your arms
The sun was fallin`
The grey rain was pourin`
The cars were all dirty and slow
We both had our kiss
And out of the depths and darkness
With my eyes closed I still ya fine
That was the season
We made our dreams come true
There was no limit to what we could do

The end of the run
We almost won
The end of the run
We had our fun
The end of the run
I knew it then he won`t be back again

Once that tape starts playing
It`s too hard to make it rewind
With my eyes closed I still see ya fine
That was the season
We made our dreams come true
There was no limit to what we could do


These lyrics completely reflect how I feel today.

Alice In UnderLand

   

My friend and fellow photographer Sian Seta Grahl is by far one of the most talented women I am privledged to know. She captured me in my little element on the weekend, playing with clothes and hats. Something I absolutely adore.

Drop Dead Fred

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody

When the nights are so long

'cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

When I look at you

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I know I'm not alone

LOVE

This is simply divine. I wish I could create memories like this. At this stage I cannot, but this is incredibly heartwarming.

Danielle & Jayce from rus anson on Vimeo.

Check out more here
You will not be disappointed.

to think is hurting
to not is straining
i need, I want, I do
but cannot
to wonder of the how and why
to see today and think of yesterday
to need to have to want to be
is indeed hurting me
I want to
think of you and we and me
and why we cannot be
the dreams, the talks, the walks, the days
which today all seem like much a haze

The Story of You and I

FLOLOVE PARIS - SS 2012 from OH LA LA ! on Vimeo.

Lindsay Lohan for Terry Richardson's Diary

TRUTH

I was inspired to write this blog after I hit rock bottom last year.

I was drowning. I had just returned from New York and was confined to my bed. The curtains drawn, I could barely make out what lay on the floor beneath me. I had just been on a manic spending spree and accumulated a room full of material possessions which at the time I had blindly convinced myself would make me happy – how wrong I was! I had barely unpacked my bags before I was rejecting phone calls from the debt collection agencies. All these 'possessions' only made my already cluttered room even more cluttered and added an extra load of pressure to my bank account that i clearly didn't need and phonecalls I had no time for.

For six long months I laid in this mess day & night. I cared for nothing. That was until I was on the border of eviction. It was move back home - not even an option in this state - or become homeless or get some strength and find a job. A job it was.

Otherwise I could have comfortably spent a very long time in bed with nothing more than my Xanax and my imac. Youtube had become a steadfast friend as had blogs.

Life was not good. I was broken. I didn't want healing. I didn’t have energy. I was convinced the world was an evil place and I wanted no part of it. If I didn’t have such a strong conviction I probably would have had ten Xanax instead of the one I was having and put an end to a lifetime of disappointments. Joy had left my body. It was nowhere to be found. The only reason I held on was the Psalms, one scripture was all my mind could bear, but somehow I had faith that God would make it better. I had a tiny bit of faith. It wasn't enough to get me out of bed, but it was enough to limit my xanax to one instead of ten and just hold on - stay with God. And that is more than enough when you are clutching a way out of this world and life in your hand.

The only time I left my bed was when I awoke from my drug induced sleeps. Usually around 12pm. I would go to Gertrude & Alice to collect my morning coffee and indulge in some reading. This seemed to bring my mind some temporary joy and much needed distraction from my life. Which was close to non-existent.

I FELT like I was the only person in the entire universe to encounter such bitter disappointments and hardships. I felt so alone. No one in my world understood how someone who had the world at their feet, had chosen to lay in bed instead of make an effort to make things better. Truth be told. I had tried and tried and tried and after years of holding everything together, and endless pursuits of trying, someone had come along and pulled lightly on that string and suddenly everything had come undone. That very string I had wrapped around my own hands for so long, holding on tightly was now unravelling right before my very eyes. I could do nothing to stop it.
It was like I was re-living every disappointment, betrayal and hurt that I had pushed to the back of my mind my whole life. Suddenly I could try no more. I was done. I couldn't stop the ball from rolling.

It was during one of these self loathing days that I was sent a link to a blog with a little message saying– 'You should read this blog – she reminds me of you' - well i guess you left me some hope didn't you?

In this blog I found comfort.

The writing was filled with the truth.

Disappointments, regrets, tragedies, all put into words that I needed to hear at a time when I could feel and see nothing more than my own emotions, spitting through the seams, coming out of my pores. It was comforting to know someone else had experienced a similar pain. Suddenly I didn’t feel alone in my struggles, I found comfort in her writing.

It was comforting to know that even she had spent countless days and nights in a dark room with piles of clothes suffocating her, numbness had invaded her body like it had mine.
Most importantly, it brought me HOPE. It brought me hope because she was real. It brought me hope because I suddenly didn’t feel like a victim, I didn't feel ashamed that I had lost control of my life, I didn't feel like the only person to have suffered in this world, to have been dealt a bad card or two. It gave me hope because as hurt as she had been she was now OK. And if she had survived the battles. I could too.

It was just music to my ears to hear truth when I had been blinded by lies.
It brought a much needed companion when I wanted to see nobody - this blog became my friend, my encouragement,
And I guess that is why I have chosen to write. To express my feelings, my experiences, my heartaches and everything in between (and be as raw as I possibly can - if it's too depressing/raw for you - click the x in the top right hand corner and you will read the words no more). When so many people paint pretty pictures of a grandoise life - see facebook for reference - out there someone is searching for the truth. Someone is crying, someone is hurting, someone is drowning in loneliness. Someone just needs to hear something that is not filled with moet and cavier and exclusive parties.
(I mean I am sure I will at some stage post pretty pictures - let's not contradict myself here- BUT.... I also want to paint a picture that depicts reality - which isn't always pretty pictures, lets be real).

I hope it helps someone in the world. Somewhere who feels like another day is one too much, who feels like only bad things happen to them, loneliness invades and takes over, and you don’t want to push through, you are done. You feel so alone.
I am here to tell you, it’s worth holding on you will come out shining on the other end- and to remind you - sweetheart you are not alone on this journey - You really are not - reach out and you will see someone is waiting to come alongside you and just walk with you as you try and figure it all out.

*And a huge thank you to my steadfast friend Rachel Kara who never stopped encouraging me. Rachel your words have been like sunshine on a cold winters day. Thank you Thank you Thank you for your encouragement and never ending love and support throughout it all. This blog wouldn't be started without you. And even if no one reads it, it's therapeutic for me, just to execute my thoughts and my life somehow. xx I love you dearly xx

Days Gone By

He loved the way her eyes would burst wide open whenever he walked into the room, the way she always smiled when he was around. Even when her world had obviously been crashing, she always had time to stop and listen to him. To laugh at his senseless lame jokes. 

How he loved her smile, it was enchanting, even though these days she rarely smiled, when she did, it warmed his heart, there was something in her smile that brought him comfort, it made him feel like he belonged there, with her, like her smile was entirely intended for him. And in that moment he couldn’t think of anything more that he would like to do than to take her in his arms, and press his lips against hers,and with that gesture express how much he loved her, how he longed for so long to just passionately embrace them.....

He wanted to tell her how special she was. Tell her the truth, about how he felt towards her. How happy she had made him. How he felt like a teenager without a worry in the world. Being with her took him back to his childhood, growing up on the sunshine coast, where nothing mattered but getting grubby in the sand, and dragging sand through the house, the laughter of his family that filled the home, the days filled with surf and sunshine, dinners spent around the family table, eating and laughing, when the family was one and the simplicities of life were the most enjoyable and wonderful times in his world. When money and greed hadn't ruled his world. When life has been full of love and laughter.

Those days, he thought. They were precious, when people didn’t care about the fame or the money, they were the days when he was just a nobody. But with her he WAS a nobody, yet the way she loved him, made him feel like an incredible somebody. The way he loved who he was around her, relaxed and easy going, without a care in the world. Free to drag sand through the house, free to throw off his shoes, and run around bare foot, free to just experience life without a care in the world.  that is who he REALLY was. That was the him, the him he had lost all these years ago, all these years of pretending to be somebody else, playing a role, a character, someone the world wanted him to be, yet so far from the person he was created to be.

Finally after all these years of emptiness, he had found himself again - the one he didn't even realise he had lost. He had now rediscovered life's meaning and it was all because of this girl. This girl standing in the room, with her back against the wall, crouched down, her head tilting to the ground, her eyes filled with a look he had not recognised before, a look of fear, a look of pain. Engrossed in her thoughts, turning the beads on her silver bracelet, loosely wrapped around her tiny wrist. So tender and fragile she looked. He wanted to pick her up and hold her, hug her tell her, he would protect her, he wouldn't leave her. ever. But he knew those words would be too much for her to hear, not now he thought. I can't do this now. She isn't ready to hear it. And if he were to be truth to himself he knew those words could be the end of their friendship and right now, losing her friendship was the last thing he wanted.

He gazed out of the window, keeping within his thoughts, but somehow, knowing that one day, everything would have to come to the surface, one day he would have to acknowledge their friendship, these emotions. Her.

© Days Gone By - Abigail Rose

3 Photos above by photographer: Paul Samokhvalov.

The Price Of Love

'What would you care?' he said. His words cold and empty.

‘Because…because I …’ she started to respond....

‘I just would…..’

'Tell me - tell me!!  why? why would you care?’ He said. Realising he sounded quite bitter and frustrated.

She seemed so cold. He thought. So distant – hollow even. Like nothing mattered to this girl. Did she even have feelings? Did she even feel what he had felt? Was he about to find out?
'Tell me? Go on...'he asked. 

Silence filled the room....

He was prepared to walk out the door and not look back. He would leave knowing it was not anything more than a mere friendship. He knew by tiptoeing out silently, he would lose the one thing he had cared so much for, but what use was it if she didn't feel the same anyway? He would lose her either way.

It was like in that moment, in that room, there was nothing more between them than a dear friendship. That she cared for nothing more than being his friend he thought. and that was it. Wasn't it? Had he seen something she hadn't. Had he felt something she had not???? Would he ever know. Or would it simply remain a memory, something he would just shut out after today.

Why would I care, she thought - Why would I care...she knew exactly why she would care, she had so much to say,  BUT yet she remained silent.

.In that moment all she wanted to do was to throw her journal at him, have him read every word, every word that she was unable to speak, every word which was now floating around in her brain, loosely, ready to be executed, ready to tell him why she cared.

Page after page filled of words about him, sylabbles and characters all tied in to form words about HIM. He had filled every thought of hers, this very boy standing on the opposite side of the room, staring blankly into the wall. Hurt. Hurt by the words she was unwilling to say.Unable to say. Hurt because he felt something for her and was now starting to think was all in his mind.

The journal pages overflowed with the way she felt, the love, the pain, the adventure, one page was never enough for him, words would never be enough. She had written so much, yet it still wasn't enough, how could she have written so much about one person and still have so much to say. There was still so much that was unwritten, a story between them that was yet to be told, a future even, a life together. The way he always made her smile, his laugh, his jokes, the way he cared, his caring sensitive soul, his incredible sense of humour, the way he mattered so much to her. The words lingered again in her mind - she knew without looking at the journal, she knew every word that was written in that journal, she knew how she felt....

Silence had descended upon the room, two people now in opposite corners of the room, each one alone with their thoughts, miles away from each other, yet the thoughts remained the same, though neither of them would ever know.

Their eyes met for a moment, catching himself, he turned around and faced the wall, the dark brick wall.

He felt stone cold. Nothing mattered to her - did it? She didn't care.Neither would he.

She walked over and sat in the corner of the room, her head tilted and eyes facing the ground, filled with pain and fear, and ..... the ....desire to just inflict her love upon him. Instead she sat there, twisting the silver bracelet on her wrist, the wrist holding together that very arm and pulling it in so close to her chest, protecting herself, she was afraid, afraid of reaching out to someone else. She had been alone for so long. How could she expose her feelings now? How could she let anyone near her? And then...then...What if? What if? she thought what if what she had perceived to be love had not been the truth?

SILENCE

Silence was her barrier, her protection, it was the invisable shield protecting her heart. Words meant everything, they gave life and they also brought death, words would mean removing that shield becoming vunerable, exposing a raw and ready heart. The armour that had shielded her heart her whole life, it had remained secure, now she was too afraid to remove it, for if she did, SHE would lose her security, place it in the hands of another, and what if ...what if he wasn't ready to hold it carefully, if he wasn't ready to recieve it, .and take the greatest care of it and it's fragility. What if he wasn't? she thought. What if he threw them back at me.and what if? What if she thought...HE DIDNT FEEL THE SAME?

She knew a bare and exposed heart, is like a flower, it could be warmed by the love of the sun, or destroyed by the coldness of the snow, her heart faced the same risk that flower did each day, springing to life, not knowing what the day will bring, although the flower didn't have a choice, it sprung whether it lived or died was up to the weather. she however did. She didn't have to open it.

She could remain silent and protected.

The thought of a snow storm hitting her heart, the frost would kill it she was not so sure she wanted to take that risk. It was much safer to live behind the armour. To remain silent.

After a lifetime, it was a great risk, greater than anything she had ever risked before, greater than the risk of losing her life, for she had lived with a broken heart before and she was as good as dead, her heart contained everything...was she willing to open up and trust him with it? 

Here's me

 

It's been a tough few years, and I am coming out of the tunnel of darkness - one I never thought I would emerge from. But 

'It is for freedom that Christ has set us free' 

So I am free indeed.

Future welcome. I am so happy to play with you.

This is the happiest i have felt in almost two years - when the world I thougth I had built on a solid foundation, had instead been built closer to the shores than I thought. It took one wave to wash it over and have it crumble to nothing.

I have let go of the past and am no longer afraid of the future.  

I am going to focus on what I love doing best, playing dress ups and taking photos. Well more like what I enjoy doing to add sunshine into my life.

xx