words

The last few months have been very challenging….I have abandoned my words…my mind and the outside world…it is time I start writing again….bear with me dear ones…I shall return.

Ghost of the past

I saw your ghost again last night. It was standing there, shining like a bright light in the dark sea of people in a dimly lit room, there you were. Smiling, talking,laughing like it was 1965 again. 

This time though, it was different from the last, i didn't want to runaway as fast as my fragile and worn little feet could take me. This time, I wanted to stay. To reach out to you, hold your hand, and transport myself to a time when I was able to be in the same room as you. unashamed. unafraid. 

I wanted to transport myself to an era when you existed, when my life was.... Simple. Maybe it was the familiar face of yours amidst a room full of strangers, the loud music, the smoke, it was all too much, maybe I was seeking comfort. Seeking someone that understood me, someone that I didn't have to make small talk with about my job, my love life, the weather, the industry, who I knew. I just wanted to talk about ......About ..... Life. But, the words - I'm a model, 
An ack-tor, I'm an act-ress were penetrating the smoke filled air and cutting through the music. Everyone stressing their self importance, who they were, who they knew. I just wanted to escape. To runaway to a time when none of that mattered. When people were just.... People. Young and free....and your face represented a time of freedom. A time when nothing mattered but love and music. Everyone was equal. Love was real. I stared at your ghost for a long time last night. But the more I looked, the more I realized, life has changed, the years have gone, it won't ever be that time again. It is now a time long gone and holding into the past - hoping to conform the future to it..... It won't happen. It's gone. I need to open my heart and let it go. I need to move on. 

Inspired by Y.o.U

It's sad that some people will never ever get to experience the true privilege of having their heart broken. They'll never know what it feels like to be truly alive in unity with another. 

 Heres why, they took the safe road. They settled for someone they knew could never break their heart.... Someone who was incapable of such things because they could never own their heart to start with. 

They knew no matter how hard they tried, or how much money was thrown their way - love can't be bought or forged - it's real and like living and dying it doesn't let you chose who and where and especially when. but if you go against the gravity of life and allow yourself to choose - instead of letting the magical unseen force that makes unchartered worlds collide and hearts tremble choose for you - it means you chose safety. You chose comfortable. And comfortable however safe is boring.  

 I want to live in a world where you hold my heart in your hands. My life depends on it - and if you dropped it, I'd never be the same again. That's passion. That's fire. That's all encompassing, fiery, raging, risky love. Because really, nothing is certain in this world, not even life, it can be taken in an instance and that's the beauty of living.... It's like Russian roulette. Ever changing, uncertain, one moment you're winning the next you're taking your last breath and exiting. Why chose to die before your wheel has stopped spinning?

Live as much as you can - while you can - feeling like everything is always at risk and everything including your heart can be shattered in an instant.  

If its loss doesn't break you, break it and walk away into the terrifying unchartered rough waters. And let your heart beat wildly in the dangers of the unfamiliar.  

 Are you brave enough? 

 Ps. I'd let you break my heart all over again...... 

 A broken heart still feels

Survival by Disassociation

"Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxietyand stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is "not entirely present", making them sometimes appear preoccupied or distracted. "

As I am thrown into the tsunami of my life, i have lost my will to write. I have lost my will process emotions for i have subconsciously blocked every emotion in my body and mind in order to survive this season and come out alive. I wonder why I do that? Shut down entirely. I am my own zoloft. I put a lid on happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and anything in between. I just want to be able to feel again, but strength is winning, and in that i am finding it difficult to write about anything Not humorous, not painful not even joyful. Out of everything I am missing about myself, i miss my relationship with words the most.

You only regret the chances you didn't take

You stood in the doorway, your hands by your side 'don't leave' you said

Please stay...

But she was afraid, afraid of hat staying meant, but I was afraid... Afraid of you, of me, of the situation how it reminded me so much of the last... Afraid that staying means opening up - possibly hurting myself again... So I ran, I ran as fast and far away as I possibly could, a place where I could collect my thoughts and maybe come back one day, with an empty head, an empty heart and a clean memory.... but, time... It doesn't wait for you and sometimes, just sometimes .... It's a little too late. 
Goodbye my friend. I wish I would have stayed. 

We only regret the chances, we didn't take.

Runaway with me

I want to escape with the stranger I met on the street last week. I want to enter their world for a whole day, a whole night, even a whole week.
I want to sit behind my lense and capture them in their environment.
I want to know what it is like to live in someone else's universe for a day.

I want to sit on their rooftops, talking about life, our dreams our fears, our past and most importantly, the here and now, this very moment.
I want to lay on the mountaintops and be enveloped by the night, surrounded by nothing more than the stars and the light of the moon.Wine stained lips, messy hair wrapped in a band of flowers, secrets leaving my lips. I want to walk along the sand at the break of dawn, welcoming the day. I want to whisper sweet lullaby's to the Lord in the heavens above.
I want to pray for a better tomorrow.
I want to want to love today.

I want to take pretty pictures of love, of sun and clouds and flowers and empty fields. I want to runaway with you. Away from this, from here, from the past, from the present, from everything I have ever known. From every secret I have ever had to hide. I want to be free again.