Survival by Disassociation

"Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxietyand stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is "not entirely present", making them sometimes appear preoccupied or distracted. "

As I am thrown into the tsunami of my life, i have lost my will to write. I have lost my will process emotions for i have subconsciously blocked every emotion in my body and mind in order to survive this season and come out alive. I wonder why I do that? Shut down entirely. I am my own zoloft. I put a lid on happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and anything in between. I just want to be able to feel again, but strength is winning, and in that i am finding it difficult to write about anything Not humorous, not painful not even joyful. Out of everything I am missing about myself, i miss my relationship with words the most.

You only regret the chances you didn't take

You stood in the doorway, your hands by your side 'don't leave' you said

Please stay...

But she was afraid, afraid of hat staying meant, but I was afraid... Afraid of you, of me, of the situation how it reminded me so much of the last... Afraid that staying means opening up - possibly hurting myself again... So I ran, I ran as fast and far away as I possibly could, a place where I could collect my thoughts and maybe come back one day, with an empty head, an empty heart and a clean memory.... but, time... It doesn't wait for you and sometimes, just sometimes .... It's a little too late. 
Goodbye my friend. I wish I would have stayed. 

We only regret the chances, we didn't take.

Runaway with me

I want to escape with the stranger I met on the street last week. I want to enter their world for a whole day, a whole night, even a whole week.
I want to sit behind my lense and capture them in their environment.
I want to know what it is like to live in someone else's universe for a day.

I want to sit on their rooftops, talking about life, our dreams our fears, our past and most importantly, the here and now, this very moment.
I want to lay on the mountaintops and be enveloped by the night, surrounded by nothing more than the stars and the light of the moon.Wine stained lips, messy hair wrapped in a band of flowers, secrets leaving my lips. I want to walk along the sand at the break of dawn, welcoming the day. I want to whisper sweet lullaby's to the Lord in the heavens above.
I want to pray for a better tomorrow.
I want to want to love today.

I want to take pretty pictures of love, of sun and clouds and flowers and empty fields. I want to runaway with you. Away from this, from here, from the past, from the present, from everything I have ever known. From every secret I have ever had to hide. I want to be free again.