Did you say it, did you mean it, did they hear it.......The only pain a heart will ever know is the pain of regret of the things you never said.

Journal

I love to write, I love to rant, at times incoherent ramblings of my anything but lucid mind. Today my boss handed me 1--2-3-4-5 - yep that's right, FIVE pages of my journal and said, I think you left these in my folder. How the heck do you forget five torn out pages of your journal in your boss's folder. Far out.

The look in his eyes said he read those words on the pages, not sure whether he stomached the entire five pages, but judging by that look, he had read enough.

When will i learn to keep my personal life personal and to the confines of my bedroom not scribble them down on every piece of paper i find.

My imagination - The Neighbour

i walked past my boyfriends house yesterday (yes he's my boyfriend, he just doesn't know it yet). He sat at his window, on his computer and i had heels on so I STOMPED extra hard with each step. Hoping he will hear and look over and finally realise this girl that walks past each day and peers into his window is quite special and in need of his attention. And maybe he would have asked me out or something or asked to to come over and listen to his new mix? But i stomped and stomped as many times as I could before I looked like a mad woman and he didn't move....not a flinch...I then I realised.....he wasn't going to budge. He had earphones in! FAIL.EPIC.FAIL.

Sometimes people aren't who they seem to be.... and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought...♥

The fear of losing myself is the VERY thing that keeps me from finding myself.....

NYC

God, I will learn how to ride the subway, i will not take buses without first reading where they are going alone after dark, i will not climb upper east side rooftops in nine inch heels, i will not climb rooftops fullstop, i will not talk to freaks, I will not leave my drink unattended, I will try and be home before 2am each night, and I will keep away from all the sale stores, If for a day, a week or even a moment, I could go back to NYC - because that is the ONLY time I truly felt happy. Thank you and Amen.

Dear You,

Someone asked me the other day What's the Craziest Thing You Ever Did?

I would have to say  many things in my lifetime, too many to name - I tend to live on the edge quite a bit. So instead I will name the last.

It was quitting my job and booking a last minute flight to NYC and boarding the plane within a day, WHEN clearly I couldn't afford it. It was going out to breakfast with a complete stranger. Taking a chance on life and people.

My recollection of our time together, sometimes we have a plan, sometimes God has other plans.

We walked, and walked and walked for three hours.  no one was around, just you and I and the silence of the very night, a few cars passed, a few other drifteers walked past, but the majority of the streets were empty and still. There were factories and buildings and gravel roads even a few trucks, but nothing else. No one else, except this stranger whom was fasting becoming a friend. The stranger i had met merely an hour before, this stranger with his curly hair, white shirt and unshaven face.

 Where were we? I don't know, I didn't care. I was doing just what I felt like and that was walking the streets of NYC with an unknown soul. Exploring, listening, talking, seeing and hearing about his life.
All that mattered was feeling alive in that moment, taking a risk.

i know we were out in Lexington Avenue, but you can go far in three hours on foot. We had the city to ourselves but I wasn't afraid. I felt safe. I took photos. We talked about life, and family and Dali and his great work. ....about Natalie Wood, about the Broadway and about wicked. I remember it all so clearly. You spoke about your dad, about your awe for him. Your mother and sister.........

But neither of us spoke about love, was it because i was trying to avoid the very reason I had come to NY, the very thing that I had discovered and was now running from, that very four letter word, which had now gained and lost it's meaning for me.  And you? Why didn't you bring it up? Who would have thought that this time, a year on, that very word would be costing you your freedom and maybe even your life? You never mentioned anyone special to you. i never asked. Perhaps the answer would have hurt to much. At that very raw stage of my life I didn't want to know about that four letter word.

It was crazy, we eventually found a diner and had that breakfast, the one we set out to have three hours ago. You shared your meal with me. I think it was crazy, sitting down and having a meal with a complete stranger. We continued talking about everything from dreams, to hopes, family, to careers, to songs, to words, to religion - you said you were antagonistic - the papers say you're Jewish? That is the only thing that doesn't match up to what i read about you and to what you told me....everything else fits like a glove. That is how i know it's you.

'What Was The Craziest Thing You Ever Did?' - they asked


It was saying yes to walking to central park with you after our breakfast, it was asking you to come inside my apartment and wait (and ever so politely you did - by the door, arms folded) -  as I changed my shoes and forgot my phone and my purse as I left for central park in the early hours of the morning....with a complete stranger without a phone or a purse without any identification or emergency contacts. My life at their mercy - thank God he is always watching - even when we slide away.
I am torn, between more adventures like this, more crazy nights walking along the outskirts of a unfamiliar town - not daring to plunge in further or the fairytale...

Now Nicholas, what was the craziest thing you ever did? Tell me it's not true. Tell me that - 'that' isn't the craziest thing you ever did. You're a too beautiful soul to spend the rest of your life regretting something. One crazy night on the streets of Manhattan and the man i met is not the man they describe you to be. Tell me something...anything. Tell me you didn't do it. Because I wouldn't pick you for him. You were so softly spoken, so fragile, so sweet, so carefree..Could you be him? Tell me I wasn't yet again decieved, when deceit was the very thing i was running from in search of freedom. In search of truth.

And the knowledge of me risking everything to walk the streets with a stranger that night...the thought that it could have been me - scares me, but what scares me more, is that i would take that risk again, and walk the streets with a stranger. What scares and shocks me more  - is my mind, and  that it wants to live on the edge, where it's so dangerous but so safe.

That is what frightens me. My ability to run wild in search of an experience, however dangerous it would be. That the very experience is what stops me from going after what my heart really wants, or is it that this very experience as dangerous as it is, is still safer than opening yourself up and letting some one real in? Someone who could crush you and leave in more of a mess than a stranger ever could.

So I continue to run free, night after meaningless night, searching for yet another experience to numb me from the pain of reality. Hoping I make it out alive. Taking photos like this, in the middle of nowhere, careless and free, oblivious to the fact that it could have been the last.

Come As You Are

Take your time

Hurry up 

'The Choice is Yours

Don't be late'

My Journal

Ok so my friends have kindly encouraged me to start a blog. 'Just write Suzi. Write a blog, a book, something -  anything. You always have so much to say and not to mention some crazy _____happens to you - & only you...'

crazy moments, lots of them, Maybe I create them.

Someone once said - 'live life like it is a drama and you are the performer in the theatre' and perhaps I do. Perhaps mediocrity bores me and i am constantly on the search for more. Therefore, creating a buzz wherever i go, doing whatever I can to avoid living in ordinary every day life.

I am sure they want this blog because I send them multiple texts throughout the day. Well.... texts, facebook messages, emails and yeah you get it. So maybe they would just like some peace and quiet and ENOUGH SUZI for one day. So here we are. We are about to embark on a new journey  - this blog and I.

I am going to write whatever I would normally write to them, instead i am going to post it here and they can read it if they choose.  This way it is voluntary and they aren't being bombarded with beeps,more beeps, notifications and inbox mail messages. If not, I will pour myself a glass of wine (or ten) and indulge in narcissistic behaviour as I read my posts over and over and over again..yep that will work.

oh and if you are wondering why I have called it Suzi and Suzanne, it's because my friends (these aren't in my head - well .... not the ones I refer to on this particular post) are convinced I have two personalities. One is Suzi,  Suzi is a little raw and rough around the edges. Suzanne on the other hand, is well spoken and polite and always remembers her manners, she never uses profanities and quite the eloquent young lady - the type you would like to bring home to your parents. Me...well, I am caught somewhere between the two.  I am sure you will come to know both really well if you continue on this journey with me.

DISCLAIMER: I don't always make sense, can be a little inappropriate, forget my grammar, spelling and sometimes punctuation, and at times what i say defeats common sense. If you can stomach the above, welcome aboard. I hope you stay for the long haul and I hope you are somehow entertained, touched, moved, inspired, whatever, etc. by my daily experiences in this whirlwind of emotions and motions called life.

Oh and I will try to keep it light - it is meant to be a light read - although the overly sensitive, raw and emotional creature that I am, i tend to get the matters of the heart involved all too much. But I can promise honesty! And I will probably say a lot of things I am too afraid to say in person.
Peace & Blessings.
S.& S.