Dance Under The Stars

   

Darkness has yet again descended upon me

my own thoughts evade me
 and all that's left is 

thoughts of you

It is impossible to navigate through the day

when my emotions are trapped in you.

I wish I could see what everyone else sees

yet all i see is inner beauty, penetrating through to the outskirts

Generous and kind

You took the time to understand

You gave me your hand

Together escaping to a faraway land

We danced under the stars

Drank wine under by the seaside

Shared secrets on long train rides

Talked about yesterday and many tomorrow's

All been and gone
Today there's nothing left to share
No wine, no music, not even a lone star
I look to yesterday in the hope that I may find it there

(to.be.continued, when things oxycotin is readily available)

WHAT IF????

I am sitting in a narrow light brown bricked laneway. Outside a nightclub, not just any nightclub but the nightclub I first laid eyes on you. This time it’s different though, it’s 10am on a Sunday morning. The only noise I can hear is that of the mild breeze rustling the leaves on the branches above me, the noise is soothing, it’s filling my soul with peace and reminding me that I am indeed alive.

The sun is up and shining brightly, I can feel its warmth on my skin. It’s a very different scene here today, outside this club from the night I met you. There’s no one around. No loud music, no friends, no drunken street kids, no young girls in skimpy clothing exposing more than the eye cares to see, there’s no musicians.  Just me, the wind, the trees and the empty shell of a club. There’s a stillness in the air. As I sit here I am taken back to that night, and I can’t help but play out the thought that plagues my mind from time to time; what would my life would look today if I had walked away that night ?If after what I had seen, I had run away and  never looked back. The answer shouldn’t matter, because I didn’t run away. I stayed. And I shouldn’t be thinking about the ‘what ifs’ yet my circumstances force me to ask those questions. To examine the past, in order to help me understand the present.

So I sit here clutching my strong skim cap in one hand and my keys in the other. I should continue walking through the narrow laneway until I reach my car and go home, yet, for some reason today I choose to stop, to give those two very important words ‘what if’ some thought. What if I never met you, would I still be who I am today? Would I be happier? More trusting? More loving? Would I be married with two kids living in that white picket fenced house that I had envisioned years before my eyes met yours. Would I even be divorced, having known what I know now and having discovered it so late in life? or would I be unhappily settled and married, too scared to leave, trapped in a loveless marriage for the sake of my children. Would I still be who I am today if my past was different? Would I be a better person or someone far worse? Or most importantly would I be living my dream? Would my dream look different to the one I have now, here, today?  or would I have taken a completely different path if I had a choice? Would I be a mother? A wife? 

I know life has no room for regrets or 'what ifs', it is a case of sliding doors and sometimes we miss that train. Sometimes for the better, other times for worse, but we can never really know until we completely live out our lives and see where the path of life leads us.

We need to accept, grow, change and learn from our mistakes, but today, when this beautiful sunny Sunday  seems so gloomy and the future seems so far away and hope seems to have escaped me, my dreams seem like they belong to someone else, and I am alone,  it is here, today, now that I am forced to ask myself ‘WHAT IF?”

Escape With Me

Photo: Misma Andrews,

I need to get away. For a day, a week, a month. Or maybe just a weekend.

I want to have my senses awakened - every single one of them filled with something unfamiliar, an unfamailiar land, a new scent, perhaps a scent of fresh lavender living amongst the soft green grass, sedating me, invading my soul leaving behind a sweet peacefulness.

I want to taste the rough texture of the raspberries as I reach up and pick them off the branches, I want them to leave their pretty purple stains all over my un-manicured nails, I want to pick strawberries grown in cemented bath tubs, I want to  touch the side of your face, hold it in my palms and tell you how beautiful you are and how much your presence means to me.

I want to escape to another universe. One with no boundaries, one that has no walls and everyone is free to be themselves, say what they want without judgment, love who they want without fear, I want to pick pretty flowers and make daisy chains, I want to skip through the rice fields, covered with nothingness for miles and miles, I want climb the highest ice mountain and allow the cold, crisp air to fill my lungs as I breathe in life, and realise how precious it is to be alive in this second,  I want to see the entire world stretched out before me as I breathe out and feel its stillness.

I want to be surrounded with white ice, mist and blue clouds and even whiter skies. I am alive. I am still.

I want to ride a bike through the Austrian alps at a leisurely pace, listening to the birds above me, hearing nothing but birds, trees and stillness. I want to then fly down the graveled hill, feeling the branches of the trees and the leaves attached to them brush against me as I accelerate past them at full speed. I want to feel the wind pull back my hair and make my eyes water. I want to feel that water, stream down the side of my face. I want to feel the rush of fear as I come down that hill. I want to feel the relief as I stop and feel the stillness of the planet as my feet touch the ground. I want to hear the birds chirping in the trees above me. I want to sip port from the bottle whilst i lay in a hammock as I escape into a fantasy novel with fairies and miracles and goblins and love. I want to stay awake until the sun comes up. I want to watch it rise as I drift off to sleep, in your arms, surrounded by your love.

I find I am wasting time on nothing. Time goes so quickly, and it's ticking. I have so many unwritten dreams, so many visions, so many plans and even more desires. I have books I want to read, so many stories I want to write, I have so many unfulfilled romantic fairytales I want to live out, yet...I am afraid and feel numb. I want to run barefoot through endless fields of lillies, I want to feel that grass between my toes and under the souls of my feet. I want to fly to Italy and then catch a train to Russia just to know what it feels like to be alone in an unfamiliar, unpredictable and foreign land again, I want to feel you.

I want to build sandcastles on a beach in Cinque Terre, just like I did five years ago, but this time, I have a whole lot more heart, this time it will be different. I want to take pretty pictures there, be open to meeting the most interesting and diverse characters our universe has occupying it, I want to hear their stories, I want to write about their stories, about our encounters, about our lives on this planet and how we came to be at this very place at this very time. I want to live for I am alive.

Photo: Misma Andrews