Days Gone By

He loved the way her eyes would burst wide open whenever he walked into the room, the way she always smiled when he was around. Even when her world had obviously been crashing, she always had time to stop and listen to him. To laugh at his senseless lame jokes. 

How he loved her smile, it was enchanting, even though these days she rarely smiled, when she did, it warmed his heart, there was something in her smile that brought him comfort, it made him feel like he belonged there, with her, like her smile was entirely intended for him. And in that moment he couldn’t think of anything more that he would like to do than to take her in his arms, and press his lips against hers,and with that gesture express how much he loved her, how he longed for so long to just passionately embrace them.....

He wanted to tell her how special she was. Tell her the truth, about how he felt towards her. How happy she had made him. How he felt like a teenager without a worry in the world. Being with her took him back to his childhood, growing up on the sunshine coast, where nothing mattered but getting grubby in the sand, and dragging sand through the house, the laughter of his family that filled the home, the days filled with surf and sunshine, dinners spent around the family table, eating and laughing, when the family was one and the simplicities of life were the most enjoyable and wonderful times in his world. When money and greed hadn't ruled his world. When life has been full of love and laughter.

Those days, he thought. They were precious, when people didn’t care about the fame or the money, they were the days when he was just a nobody. But with her he WAS a nobody, yet the way she loved him, made him feel like an incredible somebody. The way he loved who he was around her, relaxed and easy going, without a care in the world. Free to drag sand through the house, free to throw off his shoes, and run around bare foot, free to just experience life without a care in the world.  that is who he REALLY was. That was the him, the him he had lost all these years ago, all these years of pretending to be somebody else, playing a role, a character, someone the world wanted him to be, yet so far from the person he was created to be.

Finally after all these years of emptiness, he had found himself again - the one he didn't even realise he had lost. He had now rediscovered life's meaning and it was all because of this girl. This girl standing in the room, with her back against the wall, crouched down, her head tilting to the ground, her eyes filled with a look he had not recognised before, a look of fear, a look of pain. Engrossed in her thoughts, turning the beads on her silver bracelet, loosely wrapped around her tiny wrist. So tender and fragile she looked. He wanted to pick her up and hold her, hug her tell her, he would protect her, he wouldn't leave her. ever. But he knew those words would be too much for her to hear, not now he thought. I can't do this now. She isn't ready to hear it. And if he were to be truth to himself he knew those words could be the end of their friendship and right now, losing her friendship was the last thing he wanted.

He gazed out of the window, keeping within his thoughts, but somehow, knowing that one day, everything would have to come to the surface, one day he would have to acknowledge their friendship, these emotions. Her.

© Days Gone By - Abigail Rose

3 Photos above by photographer: Paul Samokhvalov.

The Price Of Love

'What would you care?' he said. His words cold and empty.

‘Because…because I …’ she started to respond....

‘I just would…..’

'Tell me - tell me!!  why? why would you care?’ He said. Realising he sounded quite bitter and frustrated.

She seemed so cold. He thought. So distant – hollow even. Like nothing mattered to this girl. Did she even have feelings? Did she even feel what he had felt? Was he about to find out?
'Tell me? Go on...'he asked. 

Silence filled the room....

He was prepared to walk out the door and not look back. He would leave knowing it was not anything more than a mere friendship. He knew by tiptoeing out silently, he would lose the one thing he had cared so much for, but what use was it if she didn't feel the same anyway? He would lose her either way.

It was like in that moment, in that room, there was nothing more between them than a dear friendship. That she cared for nothing more than being his friend he thought. and that was it. Wasn't it? Had he seen something she hadn't. Had he felt something she had not???? Would he ever know. Or would it simply remain a memory, something he would just shut out after today.

Why would I care, she thought - Why would I care...she knew exactly why she would care, she had so much to say,  BUT yet she remained silent.

.In that moment all she wanted to do was to throw her journal at him, have him read every word, every word that she was unable to speak, every word which was now floating around in her brain, loosely, ready to be executed, ready to tell him why she cared.

Page after page filled of words about him, sylabbles and characters all tied in to form words about HIM. He had filled every thought of hers, this very boy standing on the opposite side of the room, staring blankly into the wall. Hurt. Hurt by the words she was unwilling to say.Unable to say. Hurt because he felt something for her and was now starting to think was all in his mind.

The journal pages overflowed with the way she felt, the love, the pain, the adventure, one page was never enough for him, words would never be enough. She had written so much, yet it still wasn't enough, how could she have written so much about one person and still have so much to say. There was still so much that was unwritten, a story between them that was yet to be told, a future even, a life together. The way he always made her smile, his laugh, his jokes, the way he cared, his caring sensitive soul, his incredible sense of humour, the way he mattered so much to her. The words lingered again in her mind - she knew without looking at the journal, she knew every word that was written in that journal, she knew how she felt....

Silence had descended upon the room, two people now in opposite corners of the room, each one alone with their thoughts, miles away from each other, yet the thoughts remained the same, though neither of them would ever know.

Their eyes met for a moment, catching himself, he turned around and faced the wall, the dark brick wall.

He felt stone cold. Nothing mattered to her - did it? She didn't care.Neither would he.

She walked over and sat in the corner of the room, her head tilted and eyes facing the ground, filled with pain and fear, and ..... the ....desire to just inflict her love upon him. Instead she sat there, twisting the silver bracelet on her wrist, the wrist holding together that very arm and pulling it in so close to her chest, protecting herself, she was afraid, afraid of reaching out to someone else. She had been alone for so long. How could she expose her feelings now? How could she let anyone near her? And then...then...What if? What if? she thought what if what she had perceived to be love had not been the truth?

SILENCE

Silence was her barrier, her protection, it was the invisable shield protecting her heart. Words meant everything, they gave life and they also brought death, words would mean removing that shield becoming vunerable, exposing a raw and ready heart. The armour that had shielded her heart her whole life, it had remained secure, now she was too afraid to remove it, for if she did, SHE would lose her security, place it in the hands of another, and what if ...what if he wasn't ready to hold it carefully, if he wasn't ready to recieve it, .and take the greatest care of it and it's fragility. What if he wasn't? she thought. What if he threw them back at me.and what if? What if she thought...HE DIDNT FEEL THE SAME?

She knew a bare and exposed heart, is like a flower, it could be warmed by the love of the sun, or destroyed by the coldness of the snow, her heart faced the same risk that flower did each day, springing to life, not knowing what the day will bring, although the flower didn't have a choice, it sprung whether it lived or died was up to the weather. she however did. She didn't have to open it.

She could remain silent and protected.

The thought of a snow storm hitting her heart, the frost would kill it she was not so sure she wanted to take that risk. It was much safer to live behind the armour. To remain silent.

After a lifetime, it was a great risk, greater than anything she had ever risked before, greater than the risk of losing her life, for she had lived with a broken heart before and she was as good as dead, her heart contained everything...was she willing to open up and trust him with it? 

Here's me

 

It's been a tough few years, and I am coming out of the tunnel of darkness - one I never thought I would emerge from. But 

'It is for freedom that Christ has set us free' 

So I am free indeed.

Future welcome. I am so happy to play with you.

This is the happiest i have felt in almost two years - when the world I thougth I had built on a solid foundation, had instead been built closer to the shores than I thought. It took one wave to wash it over and have it crumble to nothing.

I have let go of the past and am no longer afraid of the future.  

I am going to focus on what I love doing best, playing dress ups and taking photos. Well more like what I enjoy doing to add sunshine into my life.

xx

Tears

I seen a broken school girl today

crying over a boy

I wanted to go over and hug her

I felt her pain

I wanted to say - guess what honey after all these years I finally understand

I never thought I would

I never thought i had a heart to break

but guess what I found it, and I feel your pain - finally

and I would love to say

honey, he's not worth it, but deep down

I knew i would be lying.....

because LOVE is worth it.

LOVE



But it's not a choice is it;

You find yourself in a river,

when you don't remember flying down the stream

It's like drowning in the ocean,

when the last time you checked you were standing safely above the sand

It's bite you didn't feel

now the venom is creeping into your skin, attacking your cells

taking over, you're trying to stay alive, but the poison

is in control, it's intoxicating your brain

You try to fight it, but you can't, every thoughts leads you back there

you think and think and think until you are exhausted

and even then you are still not out of thoughts

round and round they go

You chose to stop,

you fight against it,

but its useless

I didn't chose you,

nor did you chose me,

but after what i learnt by loving you

if it was a choice

I would choose to stop loving you

I would also choose to love you all over again

Weekend Fun Times

              

Minutes

every minute is a minute you will never get back - EVER
Every day is a day you will never get back - EVER
I realised today I have already wasted 3650 days on you
I can't be bound by your words anymore
Today - I am free to walk in the victory of defeat....... you no longer exist.
Future - welcome
Let's play.

Stolen - A Novel - (an excerpt.)

As the window came crashing down and pieces of broken glass shattered  all over her room, her mind started to fill with darkness and despair, staring down at the broken pieces of glass, she didn’t see shattered glass, she didn’t see a broken window.. she seen

A broken life. 

In that moment, all she could think about was how in the same way, you had shattered her world, tore her to shreds, ripped her soul apart, and left her for dead.

Bella walked over and sat on the edge of her bed, turning her back to the glass scattered all over the room, refusing to acknowledge it, the way she had done many times before. Maybe then it would go away, maybe just then when she turned around again, the window wouldn't be broken, the rain wouldn't be pouring through the window, the sun would be shining as it was yesterday and she wouldn't be surrounded by broken glass and an empty frame which was once a window.

She wrapped her arms around her protectively, trying to stop the shivering, trying to reasure herself, that it was over and that it was  glass, that she would have it fixed in the morning. 

She didn't seem convinced. Her arms were sore, they had been shielding that body for too long, she couldn't hold them up anymore, they too felt bruised and broken. Although just like her, it wasn't obvious by looking at them, they were soft and moisturised, they seemed to be in tact, like they had never had a hard day's labour in their short little life, although inside, she was sure the ligaments were tearing, the bones cracking....

I wonder GOD, she thought. I wonder why you spared me? Death surely would have been a way out, simple easy? But I asked you to live and now that I am alive? How do I survive? The wind will always blow and there will be times when the glass shatters, how will I clean it and not cut my fingers open?

 This is glass I am dealing with..... sharp edged glass...

how God she cried?

How?

Welcome To My World

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I have not been able to get you out of my mind.

Boy have I tried. I know I cannot afford you right now, so I pushed you to the back of my mind

trying really hard to forget about you, until one day I may be able to afford you

only

to wake up each morning with thoughts leading straight back to you

I gaze upon your photograph and see

that soft tan skin, that perfectly shaped wooden heel, and those laces, completing the already beautiful exterior

oh how I would love nothing more than to have you wrapped around my legs,

tightened, not letting go, taking each step with me

How divine we would look together and how you would add to my already complete life

I can no longer resist,

today I swipe my card and await patiently for you to arrive

nicely packaged, without a mark, coming into my life where you belong

and where I will welcome you with open arms and wrap you on around my legs as promised

let's play together, let's walk together, let's make memories together

I know it's going to be fun, we might walk some hard roads,

there might be some rain, even some puddles,

but that's ok, because you were made for me

and I for you and together we can whether the storms and both survive

unmarked, unscratched,

as long as you stayed wrapped around me, and I continue to fasten those laces whenever they come loose

I promise to take great care of you

always treat you with the delicacy, love and divine respect that someone as precious and as beautiful

as you deserves

Welcome to my world

MY NEW Jeffery Campbells!!

Romance Novel

So I am wondering if writing a romance novel without the predictable happy ending will still be as effective?

books, glorious books and the places they live

Land So Far

she stands lost and broken

alone in a world so dark

masked by your voice in a land so far

what once was close and near now gone

the beat brings me closer

the darkness engulfs, envelopes

it hangs over dawn

the beat is loud, it is clear, it is drumming in my ear

I hear such a sound and through the dark it breaks

rays of light it creates 

A better day it makes, the beat alone

makes me feel like i have come home

this is where I long to be 

this day is one i would enjoy to see

the music it feeds my soul

makes me feel complete and whole

Photo: SuzanneLouise

         

Courtney Love - There is no one quite like her in this world

Imagine this: you’re peaking. You’re in your youth. At the prime of your life. The last thing you want to be is a symbol for heroin use. You’ve finally met someone of the opposite sex you can finally write with. That’s never happened in your life. The only other person you could ever write with wasn’t as good a writer as you, and this person’s a better writer than you. And you’re in love, you have a best friend, you have a soul-fucking-mate, and you can’t even believe it’s happening in your lifetime. And as a bonus he’s beautiful. And he’s the best fuck that ever walked. And he wants to have babies, and what you want is babies. You’ve wanted to have babies forever. And he understands everything you say. And he completes your sentences. And he’s lazy, but he is spiritual, and he’s not embarrassed about praying, and he’s not embarrassed about chanting, he’s not embarrassed about God, Jesus, none of it. He fucking thinks it’s really cool. He wants to fucking learn the path. He wants to be enlightened. Everything. And there’s even room for you to fix him, which you like, cause you’re a fixer. He’s perfect in almost every fucking way. The only fucking happiness I ever had. And then it all gets taken away…”
— Courtney Love, 1995."
I know many disagree, but Courtney LOVE in my eyes is sublime.

Photos: Unknown / various sources.

I got to love, I rode the rails

You came with me because you cared

I was broken, I was scared

You held my hands and took away my fear

We knew it couldn't last

And that was hard

"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. 

Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their 

feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings 

puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection 

even if it kills them slowly within."

  Sigmund Freud

Heidi Slimmane - Inspire ME.

 Freedom

 Pens, Paper, Art, Craft, Words

 Ageless - Limitless - Neverland is my fantasyland and my home

 Books and Words make up my life

Masculinity