HIGHS AND LOWS

It's starting to show through the cracks

The fake smile had faded

Hope has slipped from beneath me

I am losing my mind

Everything feels blank and void

Struggles seem so NEAR - like they are all about to cave in on me

one at a time, its knocking me down, unable to hold on anymore

I've held on too long already, one too many years too long

The heaviness just builds, as arrows come flying at you

one at a time, and with each one, you get weaker and weaker

until it feels like you can no longer stand

and the ground beneath you is about to cave in

and swollow you up, or had is already - i can't tell anymore

my body can't contain it anymore, it's held on long enough

It's frail - damaged, tormented, scarred......

A mess i have spent so many years cleaning, scrubbing, mopping but the stains won't come off

Enough is enough - another day like this is another day too many

ZOLOFT.

As I sat and listented to the pharmacist, I could feel my head spinning. ‘you might feel a little light headed after taking this medication, she said. So its best not to take it at work’ maybe have your first one on the weekend’.

I nodded and said – Do you have anymore information on this drug?

What she didn’t realise was that my head was already spinning. Spinning so much I could barely stand there and look at her withiout swaying. A little like an addict of some description. Except I didn’t look like an addict, I was well dressed, polite, well spoken and was on the good side of town. There was no way I was struggling with anything more than a bit of a chemical imbalance.

As she spoke, I was trying to figure out why I felt to light headed, was it because I had only had five hours sleep? Was it because I hadn’t had breakfast? Or lunch and dinner the night before? Or was it all the valium I took last night to go to sleep. Suddenly I realised how much I just wanted to curl up on the counter of the pharmacy and just go to sleep. I was tired, I needed rest. I had bags under my eyes, I could barely construct a proper sentence. What had I become? Who was this person? I had gotten through endless years of struggle and now I was losing my grip on reality. Suddenly I couldn’t fight anymore, I could bear another day of struggle, so I numbed them, uppers, downers. They were all legal so technically I wasn’t doing my body any damage. The pills I was taking were all made in legal labs with proper ingredients, not some dodgy farm in Mexico like all the other drug addicts I knew. I was saving myself from damage, or was I destroying every cell in my body and not even realizing it? Was I hiding behind this addiction? If they just seen the addiction, they wouldn’t see me? The pain would somehow mysteriously disappear.

The thing is no drug can take it away. When the drug wears off, the pain resurfaces, it's there, it's reminding you, hey, the bandaid fell off idiot, I am still here, and now I am going to sting that little bit more, because I haven't seen the sun for a while.....and now that I do i may just ex-plode.