Days Gone By

I stared at the screen, was this true?  had he really come back to New York?  and was he really working in the next block? Was he really now a mere five minutes away from me. Whoa! Excitement rushed through my body, my heart racing.  I grabbed my keys, sung out to my boss that I was going to Starbucks and begun to happily skip down the street, down the same street I had walked down each and everyday for the past year, on that very street where the building he was now working in was sitting.

As I walked past, I looked up at the skyscraper building stretching towards the  bright blue sky and thought, you’re in there - You’re so close.– realizing in that moment that I sounded rather mad. Stalkerish even. But no, it was ok, I wasn’t mad, just in love. Suddenly it made my heart skip again. You are so close to me again, the universe has brought our paths together again.

 Thoughts started to fill my brain, I started to feel alive again for the first time in a very long time, excitement rushed through me as  thoughts started to bounce in my brain,  maybe we could have lunch together…. maybe we could be friends again…..maybe we could do lunch a few times a week, and maybe I could tell you about my new crush and we could laugh about how I had finally found my Peter. Maybe you could even tell me what to do about it, you always knew I was a nervous wreck around men,  you always knew what to say. Maybe we could even stretch lunch to dinner, and even share a wine again, or even … what was that drink you liked- I am surprised I can’t remember it actually, oh Gin and Dry with lime. That’s it.  Maybe we could share a bottle of gin even. Together…. just like before.

 With those very thoughts racing through my mind at a rapid speed, I suddenly felt happier than I had all year, A huge smile now covering my face, I felt inspired again, as I passed people in the street I smiled, I wanted to talk to them all, ask them how their day was, was it as good as mine had just become. I wanted to take photos, all those encouraging words you had spoken into me, and they came flooding back. Every sense now awake and alive, I could smell the fresh air, I could feel the blood running through my veins, the icy cold air now a warm breeze against my face, I could see the sun shining from behind the clouds, the sky was so blue, why hadn’t I noticed this gorgeous blue colour of the sky before? suddenly I could see clearly again, everything fresh and new, I wanted to buy a new dress, I wanted to take photos again, a pretty dress, that’s it, I’ll buy a pretty dress , and dress up again, and feel pretty again, I remember the way you would look at me when I had a new dress on, That’s it, I’ll go shopping tonight and buy a whole new work wardrobe. Yes yes yes…..Ideas flooding through…ten at a time, …excitement filling my brain and body, thoughts of outfits to wear to our lunches,  I was now no longer strolling along that same street the way I had yesterday, I was NOW skipping along,  a leap in my step, hopeful and excited for the future ahead, vibrant, I was the happiest I had been all year, the thought of having you near, brightened my day like nothing had managed to before….when suddenly it dawned on me…

You’re NOT MINE,

you belong to someone else now, you’re theirs, and despite what we shared, all that is now gone, done, burnt to ashes. No longer. YOU’RE NOT MINE.

NO SUZI, the voice said. Let it go, Let him go.

Suddenly I remembered the way you walked out of my door, out of my life, not looking back, the phone call that never came, the text that never arrived, the 'you have mail button' that didn't show up. The nothingness.

The silence, it echoed, getting louder and louder as each day went by. The disappointment growing like a weed strangling every ounce of hope.

Suddenly those wounds felt so fresh again, the blood pulsing through my veins now felt like a sharp knife tearing away at my skin, ripping apart the flesh that was holding me together, exposing my bare and broken bones for the world to see.

The warm breeze turned into a cold splash of ice against my fragile face - awakening me, my eyes suddenly heavy welling up with tears needing to escape, I was no longer able to suppress the pain, the emotions, the hurt, the memories of what once was but no longer is, the tears, they splashed down my cheeks like torrential unexpected rain, I was saturated, mascara running down my face, falling off my lips, those same lips you had once kissed, those same lips now drenched with salty tears of heartache. Of memories.  I felt like a dark storm had just invaded my entire body, darkness, hopelessness, my body and feet getting heavier and heavier with each step, unable to go back, unwilling to go forward, how was I even going to make it back to the office before I had even made it to Starbucks. My body aching and heavy, my mind dull and dark.

Let it go Suzi, I heard the voice again. Let him go Suzi.  It’s over Suzi, It’s over. He’s not yours.

Heavy sighs, tears flowing, I COULD no longer contain them, that hope that had just elevated my mood like a huge wave had come crashing to the shore like a tsunami, leaving behind a mass destruction. Despair filled my entire being. I missed him, but in

In that moment I also hated him, I hated him because I knew how much I actually loved him and I knew how alive I was at the time when I had loved.

I knew how happy he had once made me, how he came into my life at a time I had not been able to love. He introduced me to love and life again, to men. To people. I recalled all the conversations we had once had, the looks he gave me, the way he wrapped his arms around me and said  stop sheltering yourself, I am not going to hurt you.

But.you.did.

All those spoken words now seemed forged. STOLEN. Like I didn’t deserve them, like he shouldn’t have given them to me, like I had taken them without asking for permission. I didn’t’ deserve them, have them back. And take the memories with you. I no longer want it. Just knowing what  I had once experienced and lived, hurts too much to remember. Why did I even bother with hope,  that time, that once upon a time now feels like something I had concocted in my heavily medicated brain just to feel alive, even if just for a moment. To escape from the grim reality that had formed my …life.

 I reached for my nurofen in my bag, my pains now physical, I needed to stop this, to stop the pain, the disappointment, the numbness that had now taken over my entire mind and body. Maybe the chemicals would stop the pain, maybe even just for a few hours. Maybe even just to get me through the day so I could at least get through and do my job the way I needed to.

Photo: SuzanneLouise