Thank You and Goodbye

A year has passed and memories still remain - I needed to write a post about you. You were such an important part of my life and in some ways, you still are.

But each time I go to write, I write 5 blog posts worth because I cannot condense our friendship into one. So I will try and break it down, but it somehow seems impossible to put into one.And perhaps it won't have a natural flow, because I am trying to deliberately be brief, but I think you earned this space. Bask in the glory - you deserve it. No pun intended. YOU were special.

I noticed last night I had a problem. Even though we joked about my 'addictions' I still recall you brushing the hair off my face and saying 'Suzi, this is not good, you need to do something about this' What are you going to do?  Spend the rest of your life at the doctors surgery?' I knew you weren't the 'caring / sensitive' type but you knew I had a problem and I didn't even have to tell you. 'PROMISE me you will get better' you said. Suzi, I am serious about this. Promise me. You can't your live your life like this'.

'I can't do that. I can't. But I will try.' I said.

Maybe the reason for the addiction was that I was running from something, maybe it was that I was trying to suppress all these feeling that I had for a man for the first time in ten years, maybe I was trying to run from the very thing that I wanted the most and I didn't know how to stop the emotions. Maybe I just wanted everything to stop. Maybe I had let go and these things were helping control me.

You would say that you were an insensitive soul, but beneath the facade, I could see how deeply sensitive you really were, and despite what you said about yourself, I knew deep down there was a beautiful soul, bursting at the seams, but had been afflicted, and that made me like you more than anyone I had ever met before.

You came into my life at a time I had given up hope. Love had laid dormant in me, I had isolated myself from the world I had once known, people I once loved were gone, I was alone, and about to give in, give up ...and as for men....well...I didn't even know men existed. I didn't want a bar of it.

But....you, you seen something in me, I had not seen in myself and you were determined to bring it out and let it shine. And I guess that is the reason, why I am writing my post, to remind myself that the very person I was in love with for so long, loved me back and they loved me back for being me. 

Thank YOU & Goodbye

Thank YOU & Goodbye

You stood on the other side of the wall, you kept knocking, I wouldn't break, but deep down, something was shifting, something was breaking, you didn't give up when I was awkward, you didn’t give in when you put your arm around me and said, 'men aren't that bad Suzi' - I pulled away shyly, looking at those beautiful eyes of yours and thinking the last time a man put his arm around me was....more than a decade ago and that is too painful to think about. You're standing too close. Go away. Your in my space. move back, you’re making me flustered. But that didn't stop you. I would take ten steps back and you would always take eleven forward, insisting, pursuing, knocking. something no one else had bothered to do before. But never going too far, always so delicate, always so careful, never overstepping your boundaries.

I would stop talking to you, because deep down I knew I was falling, but you didn't give up, you would stand in my way, and ask me questions you knew I didn't feel like answering, but instinctively you knew they would put a smile on my face. You would run over to me like an excited little child and say 'guess what i found out?" Want me to tell you a funny story - I bet I can make you smile Suzi...'
Make me smile, indeed you did. The thought of you still does. Although now with a minor sting and a drop of a tear.

Everything about us was fun. We were fun. We could be anywhere and have the time of our lives. Walking down the street suddenly was the most enjoyable exercise ever! People would look and ask how long we had been dating? You would pause, I would laugh and say, really? Dating? No we're just friends... and smile at you - like i knew something and so did you.

Together we were a laughing pair of idiots. You never told me to settle down, or stop being loud. You never walked away with embarassment when I tripped over or spilt something. You just shook your head and laughed. Oh  Suzi!!
I liked the way you cared, you cared and understood my struggles even though someone like you had never had to struggle in such a way, you always understood and never judged. You could see the pain behind the smile. You knew I had been hurt - even though I never told you. I never had to. Somehow you always instinctively knew.

You could tell I was hiding away my deep desire to love and be loved with a solid facade that no man could break. That was until you....you came in and knocked down every wall, every cell, every emotion alive again.  I didn't realise it at the time, but I was quietly examining your every move, waiting for you do to something wrong, something to quietly reassure me that I was right about men, and I had been all along, but no, you proved me wrong. Something again, no one has been able to do before.

You made me want to care about someone more than myself for the first time. You made me want to like love. It felt so real. I wanted to give you everything, and I wish I could have......But we both know that wasn't possible. I never had to think with you, I could just be myself, I wasn't even thinking of you as a potential love interest -  I mean I hated men, I didn't want them anywhere near me and you weren't going to be an exception, I had numbed that part of my soul years ago and heck you so weren't my type, all preppy and perfect and polished, so far from anyone I would ever be attracted to, but....after a whole year .......

I thought you were the most impeccable creature I had every laid eyes on.....

We came from completely different worlds but together we had everything in common. You understood, you didn't tell me to get over it, you just said, please be free, smile.You would say, 

'You're so strange, you know that right? but I absolutely love that about you. You're like NO ONE I have ever met before, and no day is the same with you. Don't ever change for anyone. Because what you have is so precious. If they don't like it, they didn't deserve it in the first place'

Thank you - thank you - thank you -  for your words, I will try and remember them on days like today when I feel like I have failed. When I feel like I have said too much or not enough. When I feel like I could have done things differently. When I want to suppress my personality and 'act normal' or settle down and just chill.

Everything hit home when I realised

........ I loved him. I didn't want to admit it to myself, because admitting it meant defeat, it meant I had failed to protect my heart and myself from man, one heartache in life left no room for more. So I continued held held down, pretending that I didn't feel a thing, until

I could no longer sleep because my heart was beating so fast,

I could no longer walk past him, my feet were walking towards him, one foot in front of another, before I could do anything to stop them, they had reached him.

My mouth opened, words came out, before my brain had a chance to stop them,

before it had a chance to say - Don't do it!!!!!
You're going to get hurt again,

Can you honestly go through all that pain again.

BUT I DID,

I Opened up.

I told you.

I took a chance

I let go

I walked in

We sat, we shared a wine, we shared a smoke, we shared a kiss, we laughed and we both treasured how rare that moment was and now I will always treasure that little piece of my heart I gave you....I have it back now, its no longer yours, but I wont forget those words you imparted in me nor the time we spent together over that past year. 

I only wish I had the sort of courage again, I only wish I could walk that way again, the next time someone knocked on my door, I wish I would open it and let them in - make them a warm tea. but instead I sit by that door, hear it, want to open it, but I just can't bring myself to it, to be honest, I don't even know where the key is. I will search until I find it again, or maybe wait for someone to smash that door down, - just like you did. never giving up on me.

Thank you for taking a chance on me.  and showing me how to love, How to love myself AND most importantly others again... you left, my love for you left, but my love for ME remains. so quietly I whisper

Thank You - and Goodbye. The Words you left behind I will keep with me forever.