I haven't dreamt of you in.... Forever.
Why now? I had forgotten - happily forgotten - what it felt like to crave something, miss it, want it, need it. I learnt how to be OK. How to live without you. Without love. Without ...that feeling.
I mean i never really had you. And maybe it's not you I crave. Maybe ... Its that time in my life. The innocence. The naivety. The newness of that chapter. The love itself.
And I was doing just fine. Fine until you showed up in my dream last night and reminded me how I had felt all those years ago. And how far away i am from those feelings today. and, that once again, I had forgotten what 'magic' felt like.
And it's not that bad. Hell I know for sure it's been 1billion times worse but what brings tears to my eyes is that I also know its been 1thousand times better. And the better is what I want. And I want it now.
I don't want to wait. To fight. To struggle. I want it now.
How is it even possible to wake up from a dream as still feel everything as if it were real ?
The butterflies, the head spins, the warmth in your belly, the dazed feelings, the joy.
To be stirred up, full of love... Again. Sober but drunk. Drunk on love when you haven't even had a sip.
I know I will fall again, and maybe, just maybe this time it will be better than that time.
Even more magical and breath-taking.
I know for sure, it will be different and here's why:
I'll never be that broken again
I'll never be that child in need of rescuingI'll never be that girl that doesn't believe in magic - I'll be instead expecting it now, head spins, butterflies, ecstasy - the lot.
And most importantly I'll never be that girl that had never loved......
I'll never be that girl that doesn't know what she's missing: because now I've had love, it's hard not to know what you're missing.
And FYI
I fucking miss you! And how happy I felt with you around. Like anything was possible. And, for a short time there it was.
I can only hope I feel like that someday again, and someday soon.
xoxox
All the way from me to you.
S.
that's life!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you stopped by my blog, 'cause that got me to reading yours... and call it coincidence but girl, I'm sure we are on the same page... I feel just this way.. I fell in love for the first time ever in my life.. thought it was the fucking greatest feeling ever.. nothing mattered, I was for the first time happy about my life, my career, my body.. I had no bad feelings whatsoever.. until of course, the bastard broke my heart and left.. sucking out and taking all the light, spirit and life out of me.. I'm now lost.. I've been lost for months..wait.. It will be a year next month... I dream of him constantly, at night and at day.. I still preffer to dream and live in those dreams where he is with me.. instead of living reality... without him by my side.
ReplyDeleteI'm still waiting for him to come or for this feeling to go away or for a miracle I guess... when does it end?
xoxo