I'm now driving back home. I can't stay down there after dark. Especially not on a weekday, it's impossible to avoid the blackness that immediately comes over me. The sky turns black, the air has a chill to it, there's an eerie silence that fills my ears, seeping into my brain as I plunge dark into a hole. I keep free falling, unable to see the bottom. I feel like I'm gasping for air and no matter how fast or slow I breathe, the oxygen is evading me. I'm gasping not only for air, but for sight, for feeling, for anything to remind me that I'm OK. I've grown up, things have changed. But ... nothing i say ...helps. Present words can't change the past feelings.
Both hands tightly clasped around the steering wheel, eyes fixed straight ahead, straight into the empty wide freeway. There's no street lights on this wide freeway, it's dark and it feels cold. Cold and empty. Fleetwood Mac is playing through the car speakers, Stevie Nicks' voice singing 'turn around, see me running, And can you tell me...was it worth it? Baby i don't wanna know' And, suddenly I think of my destination; the empty home I'm going back to. How there's no one waiting with open arms to greet me, I don't know my neighbours and my best friends have all moved. Most of them married and living in other countries, states and even suburbs.
And then I think of you, of us, of all of us ...as teenagers,young adults, then adults. The tight unbreakable bond we all shared. I remember us running around in the wooden huts by the local beach. Sitting on the rocks perched above the water; the waves breaking off the rocks beneath us and the salt hitting our faces. The coldness in the air; so refreshing. We would talk and laugh on those rocks until all hours of the morning, listening to the waves crashing, not a care in the world. Car surfing as dangerous as it was, we weren't threatened by it. We were young kids, living our lives. Carefree and fun. Full of love, life and happiness. Freedom reigned.When did it all change? When did we all grow so far apart? Am I to blame? Are they to blame? Is anyone to blame?
Each time i come back to visit, I feel like a zombie. stone.cold. I walk past people from the past and i pretend I don't see them. I don't want to remember any of them and even more importantly I want them all to forget me. But today, as I drove past your parents home i wasn't prepared to see you there. You were standing out the front, fiddling with your phone. It was like I was looking at a fragment from the past, and in some ways, I was. And, there's something I want you to know; I wanted to stop. To pull over on the side of the road, tear up the handbrake and run over and give you a huge hug. Tell you how amazing you are. Just like i would have done all those years ago. Just like I had done for the past 15 years. I play the scenario out in my head;
But I don't stop. Instead i continue driving, straight onto the freeway, leading me home. This new home, this new life.
As I continue driving, I feel like my heart has just been torn open. It breaks into tiny pieces, tears start to form. Why didn't I stop? But we both know the answer to that question, and we both know it's best left unanswered. I can't do that to you, not again, not after....everything. The risk... is just too high. And, I like the silence. I can't risk it. Not here.not now. not at your house.
I remember the one thing you said to J when you bumped into her. Your words still tear at my soul. I am not too sure anyone will ever care quite like the way you did, our friendship as platonic as it always was, was solid and strong. You were always there for me, especially when the world i had once known, turned their back on me. Their back on me to support 'him'.
J said there was a genuineness in your voice, she said,she could tell by the look in your eyes, that you really cared. You asked.
'There's something i need to know, I need to how about S. One thing i don't know and the one thing I actually care about more than anything....
''IS SHE HAPPY?'
That beautiful soul, she deserves happiness more than anyone i know, and i need to know that wherever she's gone, whoever she is with, I need to know that finally ...finally...she has found happiness.
And, I want you to know, I am happy, it's a daily journey and I am slowing finding my feet, but with them, I am also reuniting with that happiness i once knew, so long ago.But, more than anything i wish I could have stopped today and told you myself. I wish i could have looked you in the eyes and told you .... everything. Because i know no one else would understand quite like you would..........
And, I have a new life, but I wonder, will there will always be a void in my heart? a black spot where history lays. That void, that the present can't fill, no matter how great, even better it is. That understanding we shared, i didn't have to explain to you, you knew, you saw, you felt ...it all. And no matter how hard they try to understand, they can't, because they weren't there. And we should never think we understand something we have never experienced. Memories are so precious, Nothing can replace them. People too, no one can replace them either. Everyone is carved so uniquely and the moments we share together as people, they can't be replicated.Once a moment is gone, its gone and we are left with only a memory of that moment. If we let that fade, we wither away to nothing. And a part of me already feels like i have withered away to almost nothing. Almost.
I've let too many memories fade.
Each time i come back to visit, I feel like a zombie. stone.cold. I walk past people from the past and i pretend I don't see them. I don't want to remember any of them and even more importantly I want them all to forget me. But today, as I drove past your parents home i wasn't prepared to see you there. You were standing out the front, fiddling with your phone. It was like I was looking at a fragment from the past, and in some ways, I was. And, there's something I want you to know; I wanted to stop. To pull over on the side of the road, tear up the handbrake and run over and give you a huge hug. Tell you how amazing you are. Just like i would have done all those years ago. Just like I had done for the past 15 years. I play the scenario out in my head;
And, I have a new life, but I wonder, will there will always be a void in my heart? a black spot where history lays. That void, that the present can't fill, no matter how great, even better it is. That understanding we shared, i didn't have to explain to you, you knew, you saw, you felt ...it all. And no matter how hard they try to understand, they can't, because they weren't there. And we should never think we understand something we have never experienced. Memories are so precious, Nothing can replace them. People too, no one can replace them either. Everyone is carved so uniquely and the moments we share together as people, they can't be replicated.Once a moment is gone, its gone and we are left with only a memory of that moment. If we let that fade, we wither away to nothing. And a part of me already feels like i have withered away to almost nothing. Almost.
I've let too many memories fade.
And, I have a new life, but I wonder, will there will always be a void in my heart? a black spot where history lays. That void, that the present can't fill, no matter how great, even better it is. That understanding we shared, i didn't have to explain to you, you knew, you saw, you felt ...it all. And no matter how hard they try to understand, they can't, because they weren't there. And we should never think we understand something we have never experienced. Memories are so precious, Nothing can replace them. People too, no one can replace them either. Everyone is carved so uniquely and the moments we share together as people, they can't be replicated.Once a moment is gone, its gone and we are left with only a memory of that moment. If we let that fade, we wither away to nothing. And a part of me already feels like i have withered away to almost nothing. Almost.
I've let too many memories fade.
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