Friends Are Precious

I would like to make a little tribute to all of those people who make life worth living.

The last year has by far been one of the most challenging, heartbreaking, refreshing, new and exciting years of my life. It was a journey of self discovery, finding out who I was, who I had become and who I wanted to be. Along the road, I found myself off track, lost in the woods, without a trail, without any knowledge on how to get back home.

I am blessed to have some great people in my life, who made standing so much more bearable when I wanted to stand no more. When I had lost myself, they reminded me of who I really was. When I had lost hope, they reminded me it was still there. Especially in the times, when a few people I thought I knew and trusted turned out to be completely different to the person I initially thought they were.
I thought they were dandelions but instead turned out to be weeds. Strangling the hope out of me. When I wanted to runaway from the world and tell it I want it no more. My friends - the true ones, not the few that I have left behind me, reminded me not all was bad in our universe. They loved me in such an indescribable way that it made every bad day livable.

So here's a little tribute to those to held my hand as I walked through the dark paths without a trail, left their judgement at the door when I crashed, wiped my tears and wept with me as I poured out the failures and disappointments of my life, and stayed up all night after night after night as I replayed the tiny, useless and intricate details of the past year to them. Never once silencing me. Never once turning the channel to them. Listening to the same tune each night, and not refusing to give up on me when I had given up on myself. Offering kind words of wisdom and support and managed to make me see the reasoning behind the madness, and time and time again jumped with joy as I came out of the darkness. 

I want you all to know you mean the world to me -  and, more than EVEN I could ever put into words. And as I walked a road I had not walked on before, you all came along for the journey, like true friends. YOU all cheered with me when I emerged from the dark forest, without shadows.  I may not have shown it in the past year, because I have been so self absorbed with these challenges, but even amongst it all, I was thanking GOD each night for you all. And to be honest, had it not been for you guys, I am not too sure I would be standing as strong as I am today or even standing at all.

Heartless

You wake up one day and you remember again, except this time, its not bittersweet, its just sweet, it’s a memory but not one that haunts you, it's now a distant memory, it's no longer the present, its now in the past.

It’s no longer a loss, a longing, a wanting,  its one that you remember and you can talk about and suddenly it doesn’t hurt anymore the pain is gone, the memory is here, but the pain no more, and it’s a good feeling, a great one, but the emptiness is just numbness, it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t elevate, its just nothingnesss…stillness, it’s quiet and it’s boring and you want it back, the pain, the joy, something, anything but stillness...but you know you don’t need it back. And need is more important than want.Gone is the leap in my heart at the thought of you, , gone are the butterflies when I remember your smile, gone is my smile for you and the tear that followed, gone are the nervous jolts in my stomach when I remember your eyes looking into mine, and gone is the thorn in my side when I think of what you did,  it no longer hurts,my love for you, its gone too, it's dried up along with my tears, my heart no longer aches for you. I guess this is goodbye, I guess this is the end, and I am not so sure I want it to end, but I know it is the end. It's the end of us and the beginning of me.

You

How many times will I hear your name before its just a word?
How many times will I remember before I forget?
When will the tape stop playing sweet melodies?
When will I run out of words to write about you?
When will the rose coloured glasses let me see your true colours?
When will you stop occupying that compartment in my brain that has been yours to own longer than it should?

To Wrap My Arms Around You

Abby turned her back to him, staring at the dull brick wall. Sleep again was escaping her, becoming elusive, she could feel the blood rushing through her body, there was no way sleep was going to come anytime soon. Not with all the thoughts that were lingering around in her mind.

Those thought of him and her future. What would her future hold? Here she was about to enroll into arts college, about to begin the rest of her life, the life she had always dreamed about,  but now, it was going to be without him.  Would life be the same? Would there be sleepless nights? Would there be tossing and turning and wondering what if? What if she just stayed here? Forever….. Would she be happier? She couldn't think about it. She was moving on. It was too late for what if's.

I wonder where he will be this time next year she thought. When I am gone. What if he falls in love with someone else? The very thought of that pained her. It was like a stab going through the pits of her stomach. She couldn’t imagine him with anyone else, but yet she had to. Because today she was leaving. This was the final goodbye.

Will he remember me she thought? Will he remember our first conversation?  Will he even realise the impact his love had on me? I wonder if he will remember the moment he told me to stop worrying about saving the world and enjoy this moment, the here, the now. Suddenly she remembered the smile on his face as she had told him she had finally learnt how to enjoy the ‘here and now’ what a fun day that had been. And now…this was the end of the here and now for them both. She had made up her mind, she was leaving and so was he. Two people were about to set out on two separate journeys, in opposite sides of the world. I wonder she thought, I wonder if he will ever think of me, or will I just be a distant memory, forgotten, someone he once use to know but no longer thinks about… Will he remember the times we spent being kids again? The days by the ocean? The nights getting drunk on sweet red wine and laughing all the way home? I wonder she thought and with that, she shut her eyes and tried to drown out the noises inside her head.

LIFE

Today I have pondering life and it’s meaning..it’s purpose
Are we really placed on this earth to work all day everyday and have a mere 5 hours to ourselves.
I don't really understand the western society
I think of third world countries, they are envious of our dollars
yet we live such miserable lives
chained and confined to office cubicles
too tired to enjoy the money
we spend 60 years saving to have a wonderful retirement,
then we spend 20 years enjoying that retirement
how does that make sense?
Then we die,

we spend our lives protecting ourselves from humans hurting us
sealing our souls away, locking up our hearts, living in isolation for the fear that others may hurt us
yet we don't realise we have shut ourselves off from life
we have numbed ourselves to life because of our fear of
pain is part of life - part of reality
but instead we are living already dead, lifeless
Humans they go out and hurt others to elevate themselves
to make ourselves feel better
And in that we mess up someone else's life entirely
someone who trusted you, loved you
what benefit is there in a temporary high for us that will destroy someone else?
Where is the joy in that?

The End, The End, Deborah Harry

Darkness falls like a a black leather jacket
And melts into the sidewalk
Like a sleeping drunk in the streets,
the wind throws yesterday`s headlines around
Another night comes and goes
So for awhile back then
There was someplace to go
Somewhere more home than a house
A family of choice not an accident
But sometimes as soon as something
Get`s started it`s over
Now the days are much shorter
And the people from the good part of town
All come around, but something is missing
Even though there`s more there now
I shrug off my attempts to explain
How a torn T-shirt made it all danger again
I don`t like flashbacks in movies
I like the story to proceed
I don`t like talking about the old days
Except if it tells where the future will lead
So we take awalk down this haunted hall
Or stumple through a shattered recall
I know there`s nothing to relieve
It`s just the shape of it all
I don`t want it different
Don`t want it again
But value for value
Now I´d never want it to end
You think of the old friends
And faces no more to be seen
You think how much fun a line-up word mean
Anjonce that tape starts playing
It`s too hard to make it rewind
That one special face takes over your mind

The end of the run
We almost won
The end of the run
We had our fun
The end of the run
I knew it then it won`t be back again

We stood in the cold night
Though we should be warm in the back of the lot
With me in your arms
The sun was fallin`
The grey rain was pourin`
The cars were all dirty and slow
We both had our kiss
And out of the depths and darkness
With my eyes closed I still ya fine
That was the season
We made our dreams come true
There was no limit to what we could do

The end of the run
We almost won
The end of the run
We had our fun
The end of the run
I knew it then he won`t be back again

Once that tape starts playing
It`s too hard to make it rewind
With my eyes closed I still see ya fine
That was the season
We made our dreams come true
There was no limit to what we could do


These lyrics completely reflect how I feel today.

Alice In UnderLand

   

My friend and fellow photographer Sian Seta Grahl is by far one of the most talented women I am privledged to know. She captured me in my little element on the weekend, playing with clothes and hats. Something I absolutely adore.

Drop Dead Fred

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody

When the nights are so long

'cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

When I look at you

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I know I'm not alone

LOVE

This is simply divine. I wish I could create memories like this. At this stage I cannot, but this is incredibly heartwarming.

Danielle & Jayce from rus anson on Vimeo.

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