Wish You Were Here. S&S

I'm now driving back home. I can't stay down there after dark. Especially not on a weekday, it's impossible to avoid the blackness that immediately comes over me. The sky turns black, the air has a chill to it, there's an eerie silence that fills my ears, seeping into my brain as I plunge dark into a hole. I keep free falling, unable to see the bottom. I feel like I'm gasping for air and no matter how fast or slow I breathe, the oxygen is evading me. I'm gasping not only for air, but for sight, for feeling, for anything to remind me that I'm OK. I've grown up, things have changed. But ... nothing i say ...helps. Present words can't change the past feelings. 

Both hands tightly clasped around the steering wheel, eyes fixed straight ahead, straight into the empty wide freeway. There's no street lights on this wide freeway, it's dark and it feels cold. Cold and empty. Fleetwood Mac is playing through the car speakers, Stevie Nicks' voice singing 'turn around, see me running, And can you tell me...was it worth it? Baby i don't wanna know' And, suddenly I think of my destination;  the empty home I'm going back to. How there's no one waiting with open arms to greet me, I don't know my neighbours and my best friends have all moved. Most of them married and living in other countries, states and even suburbs.

And then I think of you, of us, of all of us ...as teenagers,young adults, then adults. The tight unbreakable bond we all shared. I remember us running around in the wooden huts by the local beach. Sitting on the rocks perched above the water; the waves breaking off the rocks beneath us and the salt hitting our faces. The coldness in the air; so refreshing. We would talk and  laugh on those rocks until all hours of the morning, listening to the waves crashing, not a care in the world. Car surfing as dangerous as it was, we weren't threatened by it. We were young kids, living our lives. Carefree and fun. Full of love, life and happiness. Freedom reigned.When did it all change? When did we all grow so far apart? Am I to blame? Are they to blame? Is anyone to blame?

Each time i come back to visit,  I feel like a zombie. stone.cold. I walk past people from the past and i pretend I don't see them. I don't want to remember any of them and even more importantly I want them all to forget me. But today, as I drove past your parents home i wasn't prepared to see you there. You were standing out the front, fiddling with your phone. It was like I was looking at a fragment from the past, and in some ways, I was. And, there's something I want you to know; I wanted to stop. To pull over on the side of the road, tear up the handbrake and run over and give you a huge hug. Tell you how amazing you are. Just like i would have done all those years ago. Just like I had done for the past 15 years. I play the scenario out in my head; 

But I don't stop. Instead i continue driving, straight onto the freeway, leading me home. This new home, this new life.

As I continue driving, I feel like my heart has just been torn open. It breaks into tiny pieces, tears start to form. Why didn't I stop? But we both know the answer to that question, and we both know it's best left unanswered. I can't do that to you, not again, not after....everything. The risk... is just too high. And, I like the silence. I can't risk it. Not here.not now. not at your house.

I remember the one thing you said to J when you bumped into her. Your words still tear at my soul. I am not too sure anyone will ever care quite like the way you did, our friendship as platonic as it always was, was solid and strong. You were always there for me, especially when the world i had once known, turned their back on me. Their back on me to support 'him'. 

J said there was a genuineness in your voice, she said,she could tell by the look in your eyes, that you really cared. You asked.

'There's something i need to know, I need to how about S. One thing i don't know and the one thing I actually care about more than anything....

''IS SHE HAPPY?' 

That beautiful soul, she deserves happiness more than anyone i know, and i need to know that wherever she's gone, whoever she is with, I need to know that finally ...finally...she has found happiness.  

And, I want you to know, I am happy, it's a daily journey and I am slowing finding my feet, but with them, I am also reuniting with that happiness i once knew, so long ago.But, more than anything i wish I could have stopped today and told you myself. I wish i could have looked you in the eyes and told you .... everything. Because i know no one else would understand quite like you would.......... 

And, I have a new life, but I wonder, will there will always be a void in my heart? a black spot where history lays. That void, that the present can't fill, no matter how great, even better it is. That understanding we shared, i didn't have to explain to you, you knew, you saw, you felt ...it all. And no matter how hard they try to understand, they can't, because they weren't there. And we should never think we understand something we have never experienced. Memories are so precious, Nothing can replace them. People too, no one can replace them either. Everyone is carved so uniquely and the moments we share together as people, they can't be replicated.Once a moment is gone, its gone and we are left with only a memory of that moment. If we let that fade, we wither away to nothing. And a part of me already feels like i have withered away to almost nothing. Almost. 

I've let too many memories fade. 

Dangerous Toys

You meet someone for the first time in a long time, longer than you can remember. And, you have a divine connection. He’s sweet, caring, kind and has the most beautiful eyes. He would make a great father one day. He’s creative, heck he writes the most incredible lyrics. You can’t stop thinking about him. He is understanding and compassionate. He’s perfect and together you are beyond perfection. You never knew such perfect ion existed. You never even knew love existed, but this, this new connection, this is very well leading down the path of soon-to-be-love.

Suddenly he stops calling. The sweet butterflies are replaced with an unpleasant anxiousness. You have nothing more than a phone number, no address, no facebook, not even a twitter account. He doesn't do 'social self exploitation' as he likes to call it.

You go to call him as you walk into your elevator, but get really nervous and you fumble with the keypad on your phone, the sweat of your hands makes the phone slippery, you clutch it tightly, but the sweaty fingers are too much and holding it tight is impossible. Suddenly it slips through your fingers and before you can stop it, in slow motion, you watch it make its way for that tiny hole.  You instinctively know where it will land, where you don’t want it to land. And you watch helplessly as it effortlessly fits right through the tiny slot of the opening of the elevator. You hear the clunks as it makes its way to the bottom of the elevator, stopping with a major thump. You know it has landed and you know it is gone. And the door closes. Your heart drops, in that moment, gone is any hope of receiving that phone call, gone is the hope of making it, gone is the hope of the future you had planned together. Again that silence greets you.

You make your way to your hotel room after being told the phone cannot be retrieved for another 6 weeks, but you're leaving the country in three weeks. You leave your name and address with the hope that one day that phone will safely find its way to you. You write yourself to sleep that night, alone in your Hollywood hotel room. Thinking how different it would have been if he had called, no longer would you be alone. Silently screaming at yourself for being so stupid and letting go of that phone. For not calling when you had the chance, for waiting so long. For being so clumsy. For everything that you are, which today seems like a major mess of a human being. Now you’re alone, with nothing more than the distant sound of Leno’s laughter coming through the speakers of the TV, that too seems like it’s very far away, even though tonight it’s your only companion, and it will be for some time. The streets of Sunset Blvde are alive and buzzing, there’s so many people around, but out there - you are one. And you are alone. Loneliness is invading as you sit cross-legged on the soft queen size bed, on this bed; you feel so small, staring at the page of written words. The only thing in arms reach. words. You're again thinking of how special he was, how special your time together was, how perfectly you fitted. How loneliness didn’t stand a chance when you were together. How unique and incredible your connection was, yet .....it’s gone.

You had a plan But SO does GOD.

Sometimes we don’t understand it, but God does. He sees far beyond what anyone of us ever could. He sees things we couldn’t fathom in a million years. Maybe he steps in and confiscates that toy before it blows up in our hands and tears off our fingers and leaves us burnt and scarred. We see it as a beautiful toy; we don’t see the ticking bomb that has been placed inside this beautiful plastic creation, how could a toy be harmful? IT brings a child so much joy. But God knows what’s inside and he knows it's ticking.

Like a child cries when a parent takes that toy from his hand, we cry when God takes something from us.

If only the child knew ten years later he would grow up with burns and scars because the parent didn’t confiscate the toy when they should have. Their life would be much different to the one they live today, one riddled with burns and scars, covered in bandages, unable to breathe. Isolated. Sad. Angry.

The child played with the toy until it blew up, a few years of sheer pleasure and companionship, but now they have to face the rest of their life living with these scars and the burnt fingers. If only...... thinks the parent, if only they had taken that toy earlier on and let the child sit in their room alone.  They would have endured the pain of loneliness for a few days, weeks, years but eventually a new toy would have arrived, this one without a ticking bomb, this one perfectly shaped and carved and whole, this one yours to keep for as long as you like because there's nothing inside that 's going to explode and cause you damage.

And, THANK him, that he took away that toy that you brought you so much joy. Because  he knew it was a bomb waiting to explode and it was only a matter of time; but you didn't have a clue. Thank him, that he saved you from something you weren't even aware was dangerous.

Patience is the painful yet rewarding key to our destiny. Enjoy the journey, tackle the loneliness with hope, stand strong for that day is coming, the day the Lord has promised, the day that he will fulfill those aching desires of your heart. He hasn't forgotten. he knows.

In a world so strange...

I told you would make a girl really happy someday, but that girl just wasn't me.

That you and I, we were too different. You wanted more, I wasn't sure.

I liked you though, I mean of course I did, I just wasn't completely there yet

not like you

and when you said you wanted more,

it had to end, because I knew I couldn't be your everything

and you needed everything from someone

I knew you had a beautiful soul and were searching for that someone to complete you.

Well you see my friend, she also has a really beautiful soul

and, I love her so much and trusted her with much
We would stay up all night drinking wine, spending time together,
sharing our secrets, talking about you and us
until there was no more us, then it was just you and me...

I said you needed someone special.....

and when I said that someone wasn't me,

I didn't expect it to be she 

I mean she was dating YOUR best-friend

and now, here, I should be happy for you both right

because in her, you will find what you need

and in you, she will find exactly what she needs too
because he can't give her what she needs and
I can't give you it either..
It seems like the right fit - you and..her -- her and you

she says she loves me still

and wants to bring you along to dinner

but it's not even been a month since you left my house

shouldn't that feel a little strange,

should you not have left it longer

Should I even care?

I too am not so sure.

but why does it feel so strange, seeing you both together,

I knew someone would make you very happy one day,

I just didn't expect it to someone I knew so well.

La-Vie-Enrose

Despite my life having more twists and sharp bends than a Chuck Palanhnuik novel, I want to believe in Happily Ever Afters and true love...and this today just seems appropriate. But pain, it seems to find me more often than not, and when it does, it makes me want to write. I wonder, secretly do I enjoy this pain so much, that i find it even though I don't even know that I am looking for it. I am not so sure.
Not today, and not so sure if I ever will be sure of it.

I pretend I don't care, that I am happy being alone
That i am not lonely, that in fact I hate Valentines Day and all the bullshit that surrounds it
those ugly red and white soft toys the cards that make you want to puke they're so awful
but today I realised, I actually am lonely
when the fuck did i get so lonely?
When did I start pushing people away?
And importantly, why?

'No I am not just talking about being in love!!' she exclaimed.

'I am talking about the all consuming, intoxicating, passionate, time freezing, euphoic high kind of love. The one that stops you from LIVING inside your own world and allows you to be inside another universe, someone elses universe, which suddenly becomes yours'. 'Yours and theirs'.

'One day it's just you and you're happy and then the next minute this being has just encapsulated your entire world and life, life suddenly becomes this grand journey of pure bliss, pure bliss you never even knew existed in this twisted world'.

And then you feel things that you cannot even put into words, and emotions and.....that's love, that is it' and it just makes you want to love them more than you have ever loved yourself, more than you have ever loved anything actually, she said whispering the last words to herself.

'and... you want to give them everything and more, and seeing them smile makes you smile and their tears become your tears' she said barely taking a breath in between each word.

'and wait'...she said, 'that's not all - Now that I have experienced it, felt it and know that it lives....I won't stop until I find it again. I won't settle for anything less. Once you have had a taste of real love, nothing else will do, and everything else is just compromise.' "Compromise I will not".

She looked over at him. His eyes glued to the ground, his hands in his pockets. Clearly he was hearing this? Was he? Had he switched off again? She didn't care. She wasn't about to stop until she had released every single word resting on her heart. She had been silent for long enough.

'So...' she said, walking over to where he was standing and lowering her tone to a barely audible one.

'Should anything stand between a love so powerful?' tell me? Should it?she asked. Deeply staring into his eyes, which had now looked up to meet her pleading gaze.

'Answer me?' 'I want to know' - she said

Should money or status or race or colour or country or anything stand in the way of something so magical and inexplanable? Should all those things matter more than the incredible intoxicating love two people feel towards each other?

Should anything stand in the way of love?

All is not what it seems

So I have this tendency to date / like / gravitate towards utter douchebags that look like they just crawled out of a Motley Cure video clip. They think it's cool not to shower and or change their clothes. They like to live in dumpsters otherwise referred to as bedrooms and drink copious amounts of alcohol because let's be honest, a bottle of Jack is as good a accessory to a rockstar's image as a poodle is to Paris Hilton's. They claim to do it for their love of 'music' but can't wait to get home after their gig and discuss how many -women- swooned - over - them, or how many hot new followers they have on twitter. What happened the feeling uplifted because you just played an awesome set? Hello - isn't this all about the beats? Not how many girls you can bed?  They flaunt and upload their photos / videos and selfes on every social media site there is and yet claim they want to reamain 'unknown and underground' really? I mean at least pull a Gene Simmons and say you're in it for the screaming women.

I don't think Kurt Cobain ever cared about how many views he had (if any) do you? No I didn't think so. Oh and of course the image, where they are non-conformists and don't really care what they wear, yet again they take three hours in front of the mirror to prepare their 'image' before a gig, because it is all about the 'image' after all....that's a hell of a lot of time for someone who doesn't have ten minutes to spare for a shower and or change their clothes when they are not in front of an 'audience'.

I locate these pieces of 'work' and have my first date, although is does not turn out to be what I play out in my brain prior to the date. You see, prior to the actual date, I give them a personality, I automatically assume they are going to be funny, intelligent, and laugh at my jokes and actually understand my jokes or even respond to them with under ten seconds. I pre-empt the conversations we are going to have in my head, the texts and the following witty emails that will go back and forth. All of this seems so perfect and idyllic until reality comes crashing in like a bucket of ice being thrown over my head and I quickly realise in reality this person actually doesn't exist outside of your brain.

In reality the one gazing into your eyes with what seems like admiration is actually thinking about how you would just stop talking for a minute. How what you are saying sounds utterly crazy (and perhaps you are - after all - you have made up a fictional character in your mind).
He doesn't actually get your jokes, let alone be able to throw them back at you, like say a 'attentive' person would. He doesn't get your sense of humour and at all doesn't really realise that you are trying to be funny in order to lighten up what would in reality be an awkward date. He doesn't realise that if you did shut up for a mere minute, the conversation would be dry because this particular person or persons as you would like to call them have great difficulty discussing anything that does not involve them, their grand musical ability and or chords, riffs or notes. And that strumming of the guitar that you found so soothing in the first ten minutes suddenly starts to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard, scratching the insides of your ear drums, you feel like they're going to implode and all you can actually think about is the sheer delight of tearing that thing out of his hands and smashing it off the closest wall just to get come peace and quiet and perhaps a human conversation, why are you here again? To listen to him play? Could I not have pressed play on my itunes and allowed John Mayer to soothe me as I spoke to myself? and saved myself this trip, this outfit, this makeup (which he has not seen, because he hasn't looked up from his guitar the whole time you've been here) and, of course these effing shoes which are causing me blisters, because I had to walk halfway across town to meet him at his place because he was too hung over to leave home - despite having this date planned for a week, he still went out until dawn this morning. What a great start to a first date. So much effort from the man you thought was a grand gentlemen and would do anything for you. This isn't twilight, this is reality girlfriend.


All is not what it seems. You leave feeling utterly defeated, 20% dumber and 80% deaf in one ear, because you have worked really hard for the past hour trying to drain out the noise of those strings and your own voice has slightly given you a migraine.

These uber hot dudes.....rude awakening they are not what they seem. Unless you're a mirror, then, well then, they will look at you with love and admiration. x 

Take me Away

'The man to your left, wearing the blue pinstriped suit, mid fifties sitting next to the woman in the black Chanel dress, lovers or friends?' He whispers gently. Looking me in the eyes, forefinger and thumb twirling the stem of the extra large wine glass. 

A Chanel dress? How do you know that's Chanel?   -   I ask. Looking him in the eye, my hands clasped together before me.

'My mother owns one, plus you can see the tiny CC engraved on the buttons, there can you see them? Look carefully? Can you see them?' he asks

'No!!!' I shake my head and slightly roll my eyes - I cannot'.

'Blind, you're seriously blind'
'How can you NOT see that?'
You should consider buying glasses, actually you'd look quite cute in them' he smirks

 'me?' 'cute?'
'REALLY cute is all you could come up with? I feel flattered I say, placing my hands over my chest'.

'Ok fine, you would look um err nice'. He adds

'Nice, wow, just stop now before you insult me further' I say 

'this isn't an insult' he adds.

'It's a compliment? i ask

'Indeed'

'Are you serious, you can't see her buttons?' He asks and again, he always knows what to say and when to say it. 

'NO!!' I say, as i take a sip out of my wine glass, seeing the liquid reach the bottom slowly

'refill?' he asks

'I don't like to get drunk' I say

 'You won't get drunk' he answers. 'Two glasses isn't exactly considered binge drinking'

 'And then i want three' I say

 'and so? What's the big deal? Have three? Have four even?'

'Have a whole bottle?'
'Here I will go and get us a bottle, I want to see you free and not caught up in your own thoughts about things you cannot change, just for one moment Suzi'

'I can't because if i get drunk then who will make sure everything is looked after and...'

PLEASE FOR ME...he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes of his.

 'Now the suit?' He continues - 'dress?' I correct him

Within minutes I have downed my second glass of wine and i am in a debate with him over whether the dress is Chanel or not, instead of the original question of whether they are lovers or friends. I am laughing so much and enjoying this moment, that I suddenly remember, I can't remember the last time I had a moment like this. I can't remember in my entire life on this planet from the age of 6, a moment when I didn't check my phone for a whole two hours. 
My mind hadn't been still in ...forever. . Maybe I am more of a control freak than i like to let on. But here, now, I can think about nothing else but this darn Chanel suit and, l, me I am having the most amazing time of my life. This man, this gorgeous wonderful man sitting here beside me has managed to do what NO ONE else has succeeded in before, no man, no woman has succeeded in taking me away from my neurotic overactive mind.

'Now drink and look at that couple and tell me what you think? Mistress or wife? Quick...tell me your thoughts and why you came up with that conclusion and I will tell you mine'.

And I am me again. 5 year old me. Careless me. I am laughing.  I sip the second glass of wine very slowly, I am too distracted by the conversation to worry about the wine or anything else around me. I am happy. Happy for the first time in longer than I can actually remember. Happy. I am.

You always knew how to interrupt my thoughts and make me smile.and that's why I miss you.
I don't want a partner because I want to have someone to lay reading books in bed with, not because i want you here when i wake up and feel the security of another being next to me. Not because I want someone to buy me Tiffany and Chanel, not even to feel soft tender kisses on my lips, not even those precious arms to wrap around me and make me feel loved. I don't want to feel loved, I want to be with you...because your soul brings me so much joy. That beautiful, sensitive, humourous soul of yours. Just you being here, helps me escape reality. Your presence propels me into a universe where everything is suddenly ok. and I am fine. Something no amount of prescription pills has ever been able to do. Those sarcastic remarks you know how to make at the right time, they make me feel alive.

And....... 

Why can't you be here with me now?  When my world is crumbling and my own voice is echoing through my corridors of my empty home, bouncing off walls and hitting me where it hurts, reminding me that I am all I have got, reminding me that I am alone. Alone the one time in my life I don't want to be. Alone the one time in my life, I shouldn't be.

There is no other reason but simply this and I think this is enough. 

Wherever you are, whoever you're with should realise how blessed they are, because they are spending this very moment, this moment in time that won't ever be repeated again, they are spending it with you. And that my long lost friend is the most beautiful thing I could think of right now.

I am ME.

And then you realise, that’s not who you are.

Whilst you were trying to be someome else, you actually became, yourself

You discovered exactly who you are and who God created you to be

The past year, was the hardest year of my life

I plunged off the highest building in the upper east side and fell flat on my face

I tore more ligaments and fractured more of my skull than even MY overflowing cabinet full of painkillers and prescription drugs could heal.

I cried a bath full of tears

EVERY.DAY.

And today I woke up and I looked at him, the boy I thought I liked

and suddenly I realised, I don’t like him at all

or his life

or the person I become when I am around him

I am not her

I am not the girl that changes in order to please someone else, or fit into their lifestyle,not even for…

LOVE 

Not even for someone who would tick all of my boxes and look pretty on my arm or even...sitting on my balcony one hand holding a cigarette, the other hand clutching a rum & coke, and coke and possibly more coke

glued to the substances that make him happier than i ever could, so I should just stop trying. I can't be someone else. I can't be powder or plant or chemical.

And life, well life isn’t about boxes or looks, it’s about freedom, freedom to be yourself and be accepted just as you are, not changed, not willing to change, not refining……just because it suits someone else

Today I found her again,

the girl YOU (the boy on the blacklist-the one I didn’t chose or change for, the one who doesn’t even tick ONE box, but every box at the same time)  fell in love with

He fell in love with the fun, funny carefree one.

The one who actually doesn’t care what people think of her

unlike him

and today, i am taking back that girl because it’s the only one that makes me happy, and really the only one i know how to be, without trying. She is me - being me. I make myself happy.